I've been feeling this way for a while now and a lyric from Tonic's 'You Wanted More' has been randomly popping in my head for a while now. Today it came to mind and those lyrics are the title of this post "I don't know when I got bitter" I can account for the things that have made me bitter over time and the triggers of what make me want to roll my eyes, or sigh really deeply from overwhelming negative feelings and unfortunately the topic has to do with Christianity. For as long as I can remember I went to church - many different churches with different denominations. I was never insecure in my faith or embarrassed by it. I grew up loving God and wanting to do what was right and share my faith with whoever was open to it.
This is not a post how I'm denying what I once knew and loved. It's not even a post venting on the things that have happened to bring me to this place...I don't know.
I just keep thinking to myself "How did I get here?" How did something I once love be a source of great pain and frustration. I know the church is broken just like anything else on Earth. There is nothing perfect here.
I guess I need to go on a little venting spree right now because I have only talked in depth to Tim about these things and since we've both been hurt and are in the same place it hasn't gotten any better. I'm so bitter I don't even want to talk to God about it. (Even though He obviously knows haha) It's not God's fault that this crap happens but because it's all mixed in with the source of pain sometimes I really don't want anything to do with talking to Him. Things get better for a little while and then I'm right back in the same place I was in.
Church in general is a huge turn off for me. Sitting in a building listening to the same things over and over that I have heard since I was little in different ways bores me. There are some messages I hear that have life and make me think but unfortunately because I'm turned off - I just want to lump it all into one negative thing. I don't need to hear that I have to try harder and be better - I don't even want to hear about God's grace for when I'm like this and completely negative. I just want to really really understand the depth of God's love for me because I truly believe that will be the only thing to heal me and soften my heart so I can embrace the things I once loved. But because I'm so hardhearted I don't even know how to let my walls down to even God. I know in my head that He's the One that will never hurt me, but my heart is way too raw.
Another thing that has been weird for me is worshiping through music. Something that once had great life and joy for me is bringing more yawns and frustration with myself. I don't know how I can look around and see other people who I really think are worshiping and I'm not feeling it at all. It all sounds the same to me. Even the 'new' songs get old fast. & because worshiping is about the heart - and like I said before mine is hard and raw - there's no exchange of worship that I once knew.
When I hear of conferences and mission trips and workshops all I see is $$$$ and think of how the people running them get to spend all their life just "serving God" and traveling and getting paid to do it (even if it's not a lot) I don't know why but it really bothers me. Not everyone can do that. The majority of people I know have to balance working 9-5 jobs.
I know there's more to it than just that but it's still one of the things I'm bitter about.
I feel the pull of a small church to give money and time and energy. And yea I know God gives grace and stuff but I feel like I have nothing in me to give. And then if I don't then I hear in my head "God gave everything for you - you can't just give up one night, 10%, an extra few hours of sleep to something bigger than yourself??" And when I hear that my next thought is "No, not for something that I think is pointless"
I don't want to be bitter - I don't know how to undo this. And even if I undo and heal how do I know that I won't feel the same as I'm feeling right now. We gave our money and time and energy until we were spread super thin. And for what? Was there a point of it? Were we just doing it because it was "the good Christian thing to do"? Will there be fruit from the tithe we offered, the worship we led, the youth we spent time with? Why are we so broken now when we freaken sacrificed a lot. I know we didn't die on the cross or anything but come on. We were (and are) so young. We poured more than half our life into something and saw the generation before us do the same with a horrible effect on the families that were neglected so they could attend every prayer meeting and worship night while the kids stayed home. I don't want to do that. My kids are still young and I want to "Lead them in the way they should go" But I'm so lost and confused that I don't even know what way that is. I do see fruit in them. I see love. I see joy. And I know they are the next generation. I want to pour whatever I have into them.
I don't know how I got to where I am - "I don't know when I got bitter..." But I do know that I don't want to stay here. I do want to be who I once was but a smarter, more compassionate and wiser version. I don't want to make the same mistakes and I also don't want to do the same things just because that's all I know. I know life is messed up and relationships are so hard.
I just thought of 2 people swinging a jump rope and someone trying to find the right timing and position to jump back in. But I don't know if I want to jump rope anymore. Just hoping up and down and back and forth but going nowhere while the other people are in control of the pace and speed that I'm going.
I like the idea of hopscotch. Starting at 1 with everyone else and taking things step by step. At least you can make your own pace and be as adventurous as you're feeling each time. And know that you're aiming to move ahead even if you mess up and have to start over.
I don't know if that even makes sense to anyone else...but It makes sense in my head.
1 comment:
I commend you for sharing such deep emotions. I love your analogies and of course they make sense. I want to say something but you don’t have to listen to a word of it, take it as it is but know that it’s from the bottom of my heart.
I have learned that when we put all of our efforts, time, passion and emotions into anything other than God himself, we will come up empty and used. Unless you give to God what is his and let him alone bless you in return. Does that make sense?
When it comes to worship, I don’t depend on anyone or any team or any song anymore. I rely on the sole relationship with God and myself. What is the point of having a middle man when God is right there for a one to one? I have had better worship in my car, driving alone than I have ever had in any church. I don’t tint my car windows because I’m a thug; I tint them so I can sob in my car during these times.
As for all of the youth that you have poured your life into, I believe that this is what God wanted you and Tim to do. Does it necessarily have an amazing return on investment? Not always but that is what God wanted you to do and the fact that you guys did that should be enough.
I love your analogy on jump rope because there are times where it seems like everyone is going so fast and whoever can jump the highest or fastest is the best. I just recently went through a time where I felt like I wasn’t doing enough of God’s will because of everyone else around me. Then I told God how I felt and he basically told me that I am where I am supposed to be and I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. From that I was able to get rid of my concerns of not being a good enough Christian. Instead I could focus on being a husband, father, student and employee and son of God, not so much a star pupil in the church.
God isn’t condescending, God doesn’t have to be facetious and he doesn’t have to speak this way through people to get through to us.
Every time I watch Sophia the First with Lila (I have found myself watching it alone), I think of you. Sophia’s heart seems to always be in the right place. She is so caring and loving in whatever she does. No one is excluded when Sophia is around because of her heart. She looks like Candice and she acts like Candice and in every episode, Sophia works things out. You are an amazing Wife, Mom and leader and God knows your heart.
-J
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