Telling others about God's grace

Today's verse of the day:

“However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.”- Acts 20:24

²⁴But I don't care what happens to me, as long as I finish the work that the Lord Jesus gave me to do. And that work is to tell the good news about God's great kindness.

²⁴ But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus—the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God.

God really has done so much for me personally and also between me and Tim and the family we have. We have so much to be thankful to God about. God's grace has never run out and I know it never will. We don't deserve anything - but yet He still loves us and wants to bless us. 

Reconciliation

Tonight I went to Phil and Patti's celebration for having their own church building. I definitely feel more freedom now. As I walked up the stairs of the old fire station building and began to see familiar faces, I was just so happy. I felt like we picked up right where we left off. There's definitely been a lot we missed out between the years on both sides but it doesn't have to be that way anymore. 

I didn't feel like crying there, but as I sit at home, I just feel such a mix of joy and sorrow. It was great to see them where they're supposed to be. Leading, worshiping, encouraging. On the other hand, all that time of no contact, and hurts and everything - it's not even fun to think about. I really know that everyone is full of pain and if they don't deal with it appropriately it can be very bad not to just them, but to those around them. 

I know for myself, the hurts and pain from my past whether it be father issues, shame, the self-hatred...it all stems from somewhere. And if I ignore it, it will come out in other areas of my life until I face up to it and let God do the work in me. I know I can't do it on my own - been there done that (but I know that I still keep trying) Will I learn? I don't know. I hope so. 

I want to be as healthy as possible - functioning in love and compassion, grace and understanding. It's "a work in progress".

 

I noticed there were more people around my age and I definitely would love to get to know them all. I'm pretty sure they have meetings on Wednesday nights. And now that kinships will be closed for the Summer maybe I can finally go. It is only like 3-4 mins away : )

I love worshiping with other people and other places. I will always love "The Bridge - Long Island" and know that's where I'm meant to be for now. But I know we won't be there forever. Who knows if we may not even be in NY some day. Only God. I'm so happy with what God is doing in my life and with the church. I'm excited with the new direction and the weight I've been carrying for so long. 

I pray that there would be full reconciliation on every end. That all the hurts and pain over the years would be healed and that there would be forgiveness and new beginnings. Thank you for dying for us Jesus - for alllllll of us! Protect this new season. Guard our hearts from bitterness and judgement. I pray that we all would be able to move into the new season that God is bringing us into. Jesus, I just love you so much and I thank you for everything in my life. You have blessed me more then I could ever ever ever express! Thank You! You are an awesome God. Keep working in me. I want to walk out the fullness of my destiny. I want to complete the work you're doing in me. I know it's been hard and there will be  more hard times but I ask that you would give me the grace to lean completely on You. You are the only one that can fully help me. I love you. Bless this season. I love you Lord!

“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.”- Romans 12:10

Hope

Last night I went to see Tom and was able to open up about my hurts, anger, frustration, disappointment, hope, love, family. Overall it was really good. Time flew so fast. I'm not gonna go into detail everything we talked about but one of my favorite pictures (cause I'm a visual learner) is that I'm holding onto a dead battery and it was time to put that down and pick up a new battery. The old battery had life when I first picked it up but now it's done. And the new battery I pick up won't feel so heavy because of the life in it. So I'm excited. I've been so done with teaching the 4 year old and younger group. I've tried to quit on different occasions and was never released to do so. I still have to talk to Laurie which makes me nervous, even though she's really nice. I don't like to disappoint anyone, or put extra pressure on them. 

I'm really excited about all the changes going on at church. Tim was listening to this past weeks CD and even though some of the music levels weren't CD quality, he said it felt like it was a conference, not a Sunday morning. Things are looking good! I'm excited about painting the youth room. I'm so happy that I've gotten so much support on people wanting to help out with the bake sale. I'm excited to take the 101 that I've been wanting to take for soooooo long! "The Art of Hearing God" I like that. Everything that's happening is great. There's more freedom in so many different aspects. I love how every Sunday is not like the last. Going where God is. Not putting Him in a box. 

I definitely still have hurts to work through but I know with God and the support of my family and friends I'll get to the other side of that. 

I feel so much better knowing that I can talk to Jay, The Urenas or T without guilt or being scared. It still feels very weird. It's been a long time. 

For so long I've felt like I'm always doing something wrong, and not doing enough and I still go through days where that's overwhelming, but I think I'm going to even get through that! 

It's a great feeling. Hope. 

174 results from the word hope in the NIV

Here's just one - 

Psalm 31:24
Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.

I had to look up take heart: "gain courage"

So that is my prayer today. That I will keep my hope in God and by doing so, I will gain strength and courage. 

I love new beginnings and fresh hope. 

It's feeling good. 

Continue...

“God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.”- Hebrews 6:10

Perfect timing as usual. This definitely encourages me to persevere no matter what I'm feeling. I know I'm not supposed to be run by my emotions and I'm been finding that incredible difficult lately. God is so good. Every where I look, He's there in the midst. I needed to read this today and focus on the truth and not the hopelessness I feel. 

Digging myself deeper

I'm am SO frustrated with myself. I look back at the goal I made last month. And instead of losing 6 pounds I GAINED 10 - no exaggeration. I can't even handle what I feel like right now. I feel defeated. I feel so sick of the self-destruction I put myself through. I'm digging myself deeper. I just want to run away and separate myself from everyone around me. I feel totally out of control and I can't handle the emotions I'm feeling. It is so overwhelming! I really feel like I'm going to snap and do something totally stupid because of the self-hatred I feel. What the heck. I have so many questions running through my head. I know my weight is not 'who i am' but I feel like I cannot function knowing that I'm a complete mess inside and it's showing on the outside. I KNOW I will NEVER have it all together and I'm not asking for that. I don't want to be super skinny. I just want to deal with life in a healthy way. This is not good. I keep making goals and not following through. I freaking feel like an addict for real but I cannot get away. It is EVERYWHERE. I need help. I need hellllllllllp. I can't take this anymore. The heaviness I feel is not just externally. Internally I feel so bad, and I can't get rid of it. 

I just keep thinking about Tim. He doesn't deserve a wife like me. He works so hard and has come so far. And I feel like I'm just going backwards. 

I'm so done. Is this rock bottom already!?!?! God! Help me please! I cannot do this anymore. I just can't.