Life is Short - Love Hard

If you haven't read my previous blog you may want to go back here so you can follow what's going on. This is my part two of the "Emotional Rollercoaster" Sorry for the length of this. I was going to try and break it up more but I decided to just keep the way it is. You can come back and finish it later if you want haha

To rewind just a little bit - I had tried calling Tim from the doctor's office to tell him what was going on before I left. I got his voicemail and didn't want to leave it on a message so I decided to just wait until he got home so I could tell him in person. He called me back mid day and asked if I was in any pain from the removal. I told him that it was a little uncomfortable but I was feeling fine. I told him that the doctor said it had started coming out on it's own but left it at that. I really really wanted to tell him everything right then and there.

We had both found out around the same time of our phone call that Adrianne, Tim's cousin's wife had passed away. It added another layer of the emotions that I was already feeling from earlier that morning. I didn't understand why that happened and was upset and sad and angry but also knew she wasn't in pain anymore and I felt relived for her but not the family. The layers of mixed emotions that were all intertwined and overlapping felt like a heavy blanket. It was A LOT to process within a few hours. I'm honestly STILL in the midst of processing the whole day's events.

When Tim got home at his usual time instead of working late like he had been the past few weeks, I was so happy. I tried to set up a camera to record me telling him the news. I usually meet him outside to greet him if I'm not cooking or in the middle of something else. I pointed the camera towards his work truck and stood on the grass waiting for him. Except he called me over to the back of the truck and asked if I wanted to see the materials for the next work day. This is something that he's done before so I walked back leaving the view of the camera thinking we'd be right back. But when he opened the back of the truck there was no massive stairs. Instead it was 2 bouquets of flowers :) He's super sweet. He totally surprised me so I decided after giving him and big hug and kiss it was the perfect time to surprise him back. I showed him a picture of where the IUD should've been and then showed him around where the doctor said it was. I unfolded the bottom flap of the paper that said "...because of this, the doctor said I am ALREADY pregnant!! - I'm still as shocked as you!" it took him a minute to read and then re-read it. His eyes got bigger and said "REALLY?!?" he picked me up and hugged me really tight and said "Congratulations Mama!" I told him about the blood work that I had to do and the risk of it being ectopic but told him I would keep him posted on the results especially if and when he went upstate for the wake and funeral.

The next morning Tim went to work. I ran to the store to get paint for the boys for their new easel. While I was there I grabbed 2 pregnancy tests just so I could see for myself. When I got home I set up the paint for the boys and ran into the bathroom to take the test so I could see it with my own eyes. It showed up right away. I had not seen those results in what felt like forever. I had even taken tests with my IUD when my cycles started to get weird but they were always negative, even 42-63 days after my previous period. So to see two lines right away was surreal. It started feeling more like reality than a dream at that point. I texted Tim right after so he could see it too. And he continued his list of things he loves about me that he started the morning before by adding #17 "you make a really good mama"

I was still waiting for the first set of blood results. I started calling them but every time I did, it said that the office was closed. I was so frustrated because when I looked up their office hours it said they should've been open still. Just when I thought I was not going to get a call that day, the phone rang. I answered it quickly since the phone was right by my side. The person on the other end started by asking if I had any pain or bleeding which I didn't take as a very good sign to start the conversation. I told her "no". She continued to say that my levels were low and that I needed to come back in on Monday morning to retake the test. I asked her what my levels were and she answered "415"
She told me I didn't need to set an appointment for Monday.

Fast forward to Monday. I brought Evan with me this time since I knew it was just bloodwork. I was in and out and they told me I would get a call the next day like I had on Saturday.

Tuesday felt like the longest day of my life...until Wednesday but I'll get back to Wednesday in a minute. I tried to keep myself busy by cooking and cleaning for company I was having for dinner that night and also for Tim's arrival back home from upstate. When I still didn't receive a call by the afternoon like they had on Saturday I decided to follow up. The receptionist said that someone would get back to me in another 24-48 hours. I hung up with a sunken heart. I had to wait MORE for something that was going to tell me if I should be going to the ER or if everything is okay?? That felt so wrong. I kept busy and enjoyed the night with friends and especially Tim coming home.

Wednesday morning came and I decided to register Evan for kindergarden that morning instead of waiting for Friday to get me out of the house. It was much quicker than I was expecting so I was home in no time. I checked my home caller ID but there were no calls. I didn't know what to do with myself that day because the receptionist said 24-48 hours which could've meant today but could also mean tomorrow. I used my spare time by doing the worst thing possible and googling ectopic pregnancy and reading all about it, what to look for, what my HCG levels could/should be for around how far along I was (which was only around 4 weeks based on my last period and if my cycles were regular) I read stories about how women had good HCG levels and even sonograms that showed something and ended up in the ER with a ruptured tube. I was a total mess. I was trying not to get fully attached to the little poppy seed that was growing inside of me because I didn't know what was going to come of it. And because I had a miscarriage in the past, and I knew the pain it brought, I was trying to guard myself even more.

I decided to call my sister-in-law who had experience with this. I explained everything to her and she told me to constantly call the doctors office until they gave me an answer because it's not something to mess around with. So that's what I did.

When I first called they had the nerve to say that someone had tried to call the day before and nobody picked up so I had to wait for them to call me back. I carried around both my cell and house phone into whatever room I was in ALL DAY on Tuesday. I even checked the caller IDs and there were NO missed calls. She said someone would call back when they got a chance but it was a busy day so I may have to wait. I called back two more times after that. Finally they said the doctor would call me "right back" I hung up and told myself to call them back in 15 minutes if I wasn't called back by then. Evan came home from school and my friend came in shortly after that so 15 minutes came and went. The phone rang shortly after and I answered it right away. It was the doctor. She told me that the results were really good and my numbers were now at 1271 (which is more than tripled from the 415 on Friday) I asked her if it was "too good" because of the google horror stories and she assured me it was right where it should be. She asked if I could come in the next morning. My friend that was there heard me trying to figure out if I could go in the next morning and offered to watch Evan if I needed to go somewhere so I agreed.

I went in the next morning and got another sonogram. She said I was measuring 5weeks and 5days and the sac was where it should be, in the uterus. She told me everything looked great and congratulated me again. She printed me out the picture and even though I couldn't see the baby in it, it was such a hopeful and happy picture for me. I felt relived. & Even though it was still "too early" Tim and I agreed to fill in our families right away that morning.
Although I'm still only about 8 weeks now and most people say you shouldn't tell anyone until 12 weeks and the first trimester is over, what better day than Mother's Day weekend to share the story.

My next appointment isn't until June 7th when my OBGYN gets back from medical leave. Seeing the heartbeat will sink in reality just that much more.

My sister-in-law Mary posted "Life is Short, Love Hard" a few weeks ago and after my sister-in-law Laura came back from upstate she had re-posted it. Once I saw it again I decided that no matter what comes of this pregnancy even if it was short, I was going to "love hard". Even though it's only the size of a raspberry at this point, I'm already in love with the life that is forming inside of me.