My emotions are up and down a lot throughout the day. And for the most part I just want to keep to myself and not do anything. But then I get in modes of wanting to get everything done and I like to have someone to talk to.
I definitely over think things waayyyy too much. I just had this conversation with Tim last week. I was telling him that I feel totally worthless - but then I feel bad because I know I'm not and I shouldn't be thinking that way. And then I feel bad that my thinking is not good and I get mad at myself for that. And it's that cycle of always doing the wrong thing.
And the other cycle that ties in is 'trying' especially with God. Because I "know" that God loves me no matter where I am and what I'm doing and not doing. But I also know it's good to pray and read and connect in that way. So I know it's not a work thing but I make it into that.
Why can't I just grasp that He loves me? Why? Because I'm not reading it and making the time for it...and the cycle begins again and again.
It's just really frustrating. I know my potential. I'm so thankful for my family. Where I'm at (in some ways) I'm thankful that I'm married young. I'm thankful that I'm with someone who loves me so much and works so hard to take care of us all. I'm thankful for each one of my sons. They really are a joy. I'm thankful for my house and that we actually own one...again at such a young age. I'm thankful that Tim is doing jobs that he loves. I'm thankful that we live close to our extended family.
I want to snap out of this funk I'm in. Yea I know that there are problems that need to be dealt with and not swept under the rug. I was just applying to Target as a possible part-time job because it's close and because I've had prior experience there. And as I was filling the application out I was kind of sad. I feel like I don't have anything to offer in other job areas. Being a mom is a lot of work yes - but when you do want to go back to work, where can you go? A grocery store or retail pretty much. And then I was thinking about the other part time jobs that I've had and I was really productive and worked hard and efficiently. I was organized and I liked that. Why can I NOT do that at home!!! Tim was there when I was filling out part of the application and there was a question about my school/work area and it asked if it was clean, messy but I know where things are, or totally messy (my words) and I checked messy but I know where things are...usually. But TIm said, "That's at home, think about when you did work or go to school" And then I thought back. My locker was pretty organized. I wasn't one of those people that just threw everything in there and slammed it shut before things came flying out. (like my tupperware cabinet haha) Everything had it's place and granted I had my times where my backpack had way too much stuff and I would have to clean out my binders and all that stuff. But I'm no where near that now. And I don't know what's wrong with me.
Why can I not just STOP AND GET IT TOGETHER??? I know I have it in me. I really do. (Kind of like being skinny) I know I wasn't always overweight and I know I can get back to being what I was or close to it.
I just lost all my drive for anything and I just feel soooo Blah and like zombieish in a way.
And here is when the cycle starts...I have NOOOO reason to feel that way. Especially when I think about where I've been, and where I am. When I think about who God is and where He's been.
I keep yelling at myself (internally) and it gets me nowhere.
No where.
My life is not bad - I have problems but I know people have worse ones then what overwhelmes me at times. So what am I doing and why can't I cut it out.
It makes me think of this SNL skit where someone is going to go get therapy and the counselor listens to what she has to say and then just keeps shouting "STOP IT" "JUST STOP IT" and she's like don't you think it has to do with my past and blah blah blah and he's like "No, STOP IT" "STOP IT" "STOP IT"
That's what I'm doing to myself...and I wish it really worked haha.
Anyway - Happy Thanksgiving
Now is the perfect time to focus on what I'm thankful for and not what's wrong with me.
I'm going to make the dessert that I'm bringing to the Peters household this afternoon.
And Joshua is getting home very soon because he has a half day...so I'm going to finish moving stuff around in my living room to make room for the Christmas tree.
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