9 months

Our family stopped regularly going to church 9 months ago. As someone who grew up raised in a Christian household and went to church pretty much every Sunday for as far back as I can remember, it's been such a weird and uncomfortable season for me. This change didn't happen overnight. I feel like it was in the works for the last few years. I have quite a few blogs like one of the last I finally/recently posted  (http://wwwcandicecom.blogspot.com/2012/07/i-don-know-when-i-got-bitter.html) that are still sitting as 'drafts'. As I go back and re-read them I can finally see some of the process of why I got to where I am/was.

9 months... Noelan will be 9 months on Friday (which is also Tim and my 11 year wedding anniversary - yay!) It's been easy to track how long we haven't been going regularly because it started the weekend Noelan was born. Unlike the rest of my babies I wasn't back in church within the next 2 weeks (for Evan, I was back to church a few days later haha - but he was also a Summer baby)

This winter was a terrible cold/flu season and Noelan was born right in the middle of it. It actually made me a little sad because a lot of friends and family missed the first few months of his life because they were sick and they didn't want to spread germs which I really really do appreciate!! Noelan was so tiny and he had fought a bunch of congestion issues and I didn't want to add to that. I felt isolated & sad at times but I still tried to connect with people one on one.

It was also a busy work season for Tim. He was working late during the week & then almost every Saturday. Sunday really became our day of rest. We used those mornings to have breakfast or brunch together. We would spend much needed quality time as a family, playing games, going on walks or just talking together. It was really what we needed. A much needed break from the daily grind - even from church because besides being raised in the church, Tim and I had been very involved since we were super young. Tim had lead worship since he was around 17 not just on Sunday mornings but he lead kinship group and youth group. I did children's ministry for a while by default when my boys were younger because there wasn't anybody else at the time & I was going to be there with my own kids anyway. Tim & I lead youth group on and off for many years as well.  I remember putting together a youth lesson to teach when I was in 7th or 8th grade and feeling kind of silly because there were a few people who were older than me in the group at the time haha But I know that helped us become better leaders as we got older. So that was the last decade of our lives...every Sunday, Wednesday, some Thursdays, Saturdays etc. plus adding the days and nights spent prepping for whatever we were going to lead, teach, worship with etc. (oh yea and having a full time job and raising 3 wild at heart boys)

Once lots of change happened towards the end of "The Bridge" and people cut off relationships as they moved on to different things it deeply hurt Tim & I. It made us question why we invested so much time and energy with people who didn't love us the same way we loved them. I still have relationships with people who have moved away and gone onto different seasons of life and we may not talk every single day but we can still keep in touch and catch up once and a while so why was this different? These were people I knew since I was younger than Joshua's age & I raised my boys in the same place - almost 20 year relationships.

When it came time to have Noelan we were definitely not as involved as we once were, but we were still leading worship once a month while trying to heal emotionally and figure out if we wanted to do this all over again... - Short answer is no...but it's so much more complex than that. (which I know means I'll have to follow up with another post)  Plus it makes all the people at the church we were at seem like they weren't worth our time and love and that's not what I mean AT ALL. There are old relationships there that mean more than I can even express right now & newer relationships that involved people who I knew genuinely loved deep & I felt like I knew for a lifetime. So that's why it's such a complex thing for me. Every time I see that group of people or get to spend time with anyone there it's bittersweet because my heart is happy and full but I miss them. They are some of the most generous, loving, passionate, hospitable people I have ever known. I'm so sorry to those of you that I hurt in our process. We didn't want to do what was done to us and I am so so so very sorry. It was never my intention. I love you guys very much and I've tried to maintain as many relationships as possible throughout this time but it's been difficult. 

So here I am 9 months later...9 months. That's how long it took for Noelan to grow and develop inside of me before he was ready to be born and start a new life here on the outside. So I think I'm hoping and praying that the same will happen for me. I've grown and developed in the last 9 months but I'm ready for transition - and a fresh new life.