Digging myself deeper

I'm am SO frustrated with myself. I look back at the goal I made last month. And instead of losing 6 pounds I GAINED 10 - no exaggeration. I can't even handle what I feel like right now. I feel defeated. I feel so sick of the self-destruction I put myself through. I'm digging myself deeper. I just want to run away and separate myself from everyone around me. I feel totally out of control and I can't handle the emotions I'm feeling. It is so overwhelming! I really feel like I'm going to snap and do something totally stupid because of the self-hatred I feel. What the heck. I have so many questions running through my head. I know my weight is not 'who i am' but I feel like I cannot function knowing that I'm a complete mess inside and it's showing on the outside. I KNOW I will NEVER have it all together and I'm not asking for that. I don't want to be super skinny. I just want to deal with life in a healthy way. This is not good. I keep making goals and not following through. I freaking feel like an addict for real but I cannot get away. It is EVERYWHERE. I need help. I need hellllllllllp. I can't take this anymore. The heaviness I feel is not just externally. Internally I feel so bad, and I can't get rid of it. 

I just keep thinking about Tim. He doesn't deserve a wife like me. He works so hard and has come so far. And I feel like I'm just going backwards. 

I'm so done. Is this rock bottom already!?!?! God! Help me please! I cannot do this anymore. I just can't.