Holding On

Micah 7:8

Do not gloat over me, my enemy!
Though I have fallen, I will rise.
Though I sit in darkness,
the LORD will be my light.

PMS?

Possibility?

Bleh.

Ok...I feel deeply right? Even when it may not be my own...I feel deeply.

Sometimes it FEELS unbearable. I know it's not. I know it's just emotions. But they are real. They are strong. They can cause actions and re-actions.

I have a lot going on inside of me. I have a lot going on around me. I just watched intervention on TV and I know that didn't help the feelings I was already feeling.

But just say - all this is not my own. All these feelings and emotions are not my own.

They're still real. People feel this way every single day. And it's deadly and dark.

It's overwhelming and despairing.

I know tonight will pass for me...but what about them?

Whoever they are.

I've gone through seasons and hope comes.

How do you keep holding on when you feel so empty?

God help. Rescue.

Where is joy?

...cause I need strength.

Void

That is the word of tonight.

The End.

Deep Dark Anger & Shame

I'm great at stuffing my emotions and pain. I try to hide my anger or sadness (which I know I'm pretty lousy at haha) When things begin to rise I tend to change the subject or brush it off.

But the past few weeks I've been reminded of what I experienced as a child and the shame and anger that comes with it. I pray and ask help to forgive... and for healing so I'm doing that once again and hopefully full healing and restoration will follow.

As far back as I remember, sexuality was a part of my life. I remember being in a pre-school class and sitting in the back next to a boy and having our hands down each other's pants. I don't ever remember the teacher telling us not to do it or anyone even noticing. Around the same time I remember hiding in the closet with a boy. I don't know what we were doing in there because it's kind of foggy but I know it was part of the 'curiosity' of discovery. From there things got deeper and darker...

When I lived in England, we lived on base and it felt safe. I remember going to the park all the time and having fun with my friends because it was so close. It was enclosed and I felt like nobody could hurt me. There was no looking over my shoulder. I would also walk dogs by myself for the neighbors in exchange for candy or money and I felt so big even though I was only 6 or 7. Joshua is 7 and things are so much different...or is it really not so different after all.

One of the times I went for a walk with my friend, I remember coming across some pretty graphic porn magazines near the park. Even though I was young I can still remember it.

Shortly after that, not even a year later I don't think, I went to another friend's house and she showed me her mom's vibrator told me all about it. That was around the time I walked in on my friend's dad in the bathroom and seeing everything. I was so embarrassed.

I ask myself "Why?!?" all the time. Why was I exposed to this stuff at such a young age? I really don't feel like it is normal. I'm angry about it and still feel unprotected.

My mom told me that when I was about 3 or 4, our nanny's friend's 15-16 year old niece or someone was always around. She said one day I told her that the girl kissed me. When my mom asked "how", I replied "wrong".

Around the same time as finding the magazines I had a close friend and neighbor who was 2 years older then me. We had so much fun and did everything together. Little did I know that she was being touched by someone. She began to experiment with me and vice versa. Looking back I can't even believe what I've been through at such a young age. Even re-reading this, makes me feel so dirty and messed up.

Our parents were great friends and caught us after a few times. I remember crying, mostly because we weren't allowed to hang out for a while. At the beginning I don't even think I realized how wrong it was. Looking back I see it perfectly clear. Being exposed was the beginning of me really feeling ashamed. I don't blame my neighbor for what happened. I don't blame my parents either. This stuff happens all the time, no matter how much you try and protect and watch. You can't be there every second of the day. And if you try it'll just make you crazy. I want the generational stuff to STOP with my children.

I was watching the live broadcast of www.ihop.org for the last few days on and off.

There were so many stories of people who were sexually abused, and from there began the self-hatred. I really feel these situations I went through were the beginning of my self-hatred.

The people telling their stories said that God was able to heal them in moments that years of therapy would have taken.

So I'm asking you God, to take this shame of my past from me. Help me to really really really know that all this was not my fault and I didn't cause this to happen. Please help me to forgive all the people who took advantage of my innocence and made me grow up way too fast. Break off all the twisted thinking and lust that is rooted in the past. I pray that you would heal me and restore me. And I pray for those who have had similar (and worse) pasts that you would begin healing and restoring them. Break off the self-hatred, and the self-destructive behaviors. Help us to see ourselves as pure in your eyes. Our past experiences are NOT who we are. Help me to really really believe it.

Heal me in moments that years of therapy would take.

I love You.

Can You Graduate Church?

Tom just posted this tonight and it really made me think about stuff I've been thinking about all week.

Church Alumni

This is what I replied to Tom's post on Facebook about the video:

I think the one thing I don't like about "church, the building" is that when someone doesn't show up or attend it leaves another area to start to judging that person. God knows the person's heart. He can still speak to them, even if they're going through a really rocky time and aren't coming because they've been hurt or whatever. Maybe if they are keeping they're relationship with Jesus on Sunday morning and they go to the supermarket or the park, it could be a way to open up and show love and kindness, instead of all the Christians being in a building at the same time. This past week I've been constantly thinking how church, the way it is and has been is not biblical (if you think about the way Jesus did it!). It doesn't say go to the building from this time to this time, worship for an hour and listen to the bible readings" He walked around, ate with people, talked, shared life and stories, he prayed for people, loved people etc. I'm ALL about community and getting together. I love people and being around them (most of the time haha) I love worshiping with people and praying together. But that all really could be done outside a building...

BUT... I LOVE my church and pastor so I really wouldn't want to stop going : ( hahaha.
I feel so alive and happy after getting together with everyone, especially the way things have been going.

...But I'm all about mixing it up.

I do want to add, that I totally think church can be good thing. I'm definitely not anti-church at all! Especially when you have great children's and youth programs that I've seen and experienced in the past or messages that make you think throughout the week. But relationship with Jesus shouldn't be a once a week thing on Sunday mornings although I am guilty of that some weeks. Same with raising kids to know God. They shouldn't just hear it in children's church. I know if there were real authentic and honest relationships then even those needs could be met among friends because I think it is so so so important to be accountable to someone, have people to pray and encourage and build you up. And when you are going through a rough time, they will be the same people to speak the truth in love and I think you'll be able to receive and really hear it.

I think I found an answer to my Waves post

Just a little venting to get it out of my system

Something so silly is making me upset and then I get mad at myself for being upset about something so silly.

I started making a tomato sauce on Saturday. I used what we had in the house and let it cook pretty much all day. I tasted it at the end of the evening and it was still very very bitter.

We were out all day Sunday so it sat in the fridge.

This morning I put it back on the stove and tried to think of ways I could salvage it.

I decided I was going to try and make it into chili. I put different spices in it. Other stuff I had around the house...and 6 hours later...STILL bitter!

I even looked up ways on the internet and tried adding a little baking soda, red wine, salt...But it was still no good. I gave up but felt so sad. That was a meal we could've eaten and I really tried to make the most of it.

I think it was even more discouraging because I've been trying so so so hard to use what we have in the house but still change it up. I attempted 2 other recipes and the smell of both made my stomach turn. I love to cook...usually. I got excited as I was preparing everything thinking we were going to have different stuff to eat this week with stuff we already have in the house.

The thing that really gets to me is that there are people who have NOTHING. They would eat anything because they're literally starving. I feel like a horrible person for feeling upset about the food I've been preparing not meeting my expectations or tasting/smelling not the greatest.

Am I supposed to learn something from this?

It honestly makes me question a lot. It doesn't make me question God's existence or love for me because deep down I really really know that to be true. I may not be able to explain or prove or anything but I just know it to be real.

But I just do not understand how it could say...

Do Not Worry

²⁵"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life

²⁸"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I know there are people out there who love God, seek Him out and still have nothing... especially in different countries.

But I know that:

James 1:26-27 (The Message)

^26-27Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world.

All this stuff inside me is messing my heart and mind up.

I need You to speak to me God. I need to hear You.

And I want You to provide. If you're showing me something in the midst of this all, open up my eyes to what's really going on underneath it all.

I love you. Nothing will change that.

Waves

I've been having waves of emotions lately. And it's not even an every other day thing. I can be praying and trusting and hopeful and within 5 minutes I'm angry and upset and frustrated.

I was just talking to my mom on the phone and something that has been in me came out. And hearing it out loud was horrible and upsetting. She didn't judge me and I'm thankful for that. She knows that it's just my process and I'm human. So now I'm sure that most of you reading are wondering what I said...

Well basically it came down to not understanding how with everything we've been through - although we've made mistakes I don't understand why we're not doing better then others around us. (financially) because we've been trying to make good choices and move forward with our journey with God. Although it's not fully the same thing, it reminded me of the story of the prodigal son. I felt like that religious brother getting angry at the brother who messed up and still gets lavished with love and feasting, while I was faithful** with what was put in front of me. I don't want to be that brother at all -

I put the ** next to faithful because in reality - I messed up every single day for as long as I can remember. I will never have it all right, no matter how hard I try. It's the way it is and the way it always will be.

But the reason for it, is to show God's love and mercy. I'm a mess, full of angry and bitterness, and sin. But He still loves me, He still chose me, He still prays for me, He still holds me, He still is EVERYTHING I fall short of - which is everything haha.

God, Please forgive me for holding this anger in my heart towards You, towards people that I know. I'm really sorry for doing that. I don't want to live and be like this. I want to bless and love people just as You do every single day.

I do pray for the provision we need. You are faithful, always have been and always will be.

We need Your help. Help us to learn and grow right where we're at. Provide the income/provision we need to live and be fed. And I ask that you would multiply that so we can help others the way You and others have helped us.

I thank You that you don't give up on me, you don't roll your eyes or are shocked when I do stupid things. I thank you that you don't try and change me, that you're patient and loving.

(again everything I do at times to others, you don't)

I thank You that you'll always be there for me no matter where I've been, what I've done or said. And I thank You that You created me and washed me completely clean the day you died on the cross. You see me as perfect - help me to stop striving and to just live under the love You have for me.