Top 10 Events of 2011

I decided that from now on I will start doing the top 10 events of the year as a reflection because if I don't start doing that now, I'll be doing the 33 events in 2033 and it's taken me enough time to reflect and get my thoughts together for this past year. Trying, with little success, to keep it simple.

There's a whole bunch more in my head, people (& bearded dragons like Yoshi) that I'm thinking of, that I didn't write about.. I added some of them but I do have more losses and gains that I didn't mention. But here, in no particular order, are some major & minor/but memorable things that happened in my life in 2011.

1. Couponing: The beginning of last year was when I seriously started couponing to help us out financially and that it did. We had always had a home of either feast or famine and for the past year we've had our house pretty stocked with the necessities. I even had extras that I was able to share with friends and family and that made me happy because I really do love to give. I'm still following the blog: www.livingrichwithcoupons.com and it makes it so much easier once you know the basics. I'm glad I was inspired to try it out and get a little more serious about it last year (although lately I've been slacking a bit)

2. Goodbye Passat - Hello Worktruck: After being a 2 car family for a little over a year we became a one car family for a little while. Even had a period of time in between where we were a no car family when our van crapped out in the fall. Thankfully Tim's company let him take a work truck home. I think of it making up for no raises this year because 1) we save $ on gas with our van 2) we save miles that are really racking up on the van and 3) it let's me have a vehicle during the day so I can still get to appointments or run errands before Tim gets home from work. We lose out on the convenience on our family being able to go 2 places at the same time but there's ways around that and we've adjusted.

3. Evan in Pre-K: Evan got chosen in the ECC lottery for Pre-K so this is the first year that I have all three boys in school. Evan still won't have a full day of school for another 2 years but I am enjoying the 1-3pm break that I have every now and then.

4. Rings: Tim & I decided to get our first tattoos from my sister for our 9th wedding anniversary. Tim hasn't been able to wear his wedding band at work since the beginning of our marriage because of the construction he does. He almost lost it twice because he had it on a necklace and that broke. So now he has my initials C R F on his ring finger forever :)

I got the letter T with a little heart next to it on mine. It makes me smile.

And then around Christmas we ended up ordering new rings because Tim never got to choose my engagement ring out and he asked a while ago if I'd mind changing it. I told him not at all so we looked at rings together and I have a new anniversary set that I love as much as my tattoo. He picked out his own new band that he wears at home or on the weekends.

I don't need a ring or a tattoo to know how much Tim loves me and how much I love him. But I do enjoy it!

5. New Songs: I began writing a whole lot more like I used to in High School. It feels nice to be myself again. I've written a bunch of half songs that I hope to have completed but I also wrote a few whole songs that I'm happy with. Thanks to Tim and my Mama who helped pull the creativity out and to all the different elements that inspired me throughout the year

6. iPhone Upgrades: One of the minor but memorable parts of this year is that my parents got me an iPhone 4S for my birthday. I love being able to take lots more pictures and videos with it besides everything else it does (like facetime!) Not too long after I got mine, we added Tim onto the family plan and he got the same phone as me (& the otterboxes that we need with 3 boys) [It's nice to have a mom who works for Apple] Tim has had his company phone for the last few years and was limited to the amount he was able to use it for calling and texting. This gave him the freedom to be more connected to family and friends. I've talked to him a lot more often when he's not home and I love it :) And Tim's finally on top of his e-mail haha

7. Moves: Family -The BEST move (well...best in the sense that it benefited me haha) this year was the one where my brother got out of the Navy and is back in NY forever (or as long as he chooses to be) I'm really happy to have him close by so we can build more memories. I also love knowing that he's safe :)

All the other moves this year were not so happy for me. Even as I type this I feel sad.

My sister & Wade moved to TX right before Thanksgiving. It was sudden and somewhat unexpected even though I knew there was a chance that it would happen. I know it's the best thing for them. It's really great that they have their own place. I'm also happy that Wade has a really good job that he's able to do after his injury at his former company. I still get sad about it but I know it's part of growing up and life. I'm happy that I get to talk to her and hopefully when she gets her new phone I'll be seeing her through it :)

Oh yea, speaking of moves! How did I almost forget this. Move good moves: Donna & Frank, Emad & Mary, and Eric & Laura all moved within two weeks of each other. Thank goodness it was locally (again for me haha) Each couple/family benefited in one way or another from the move. I hope everyone is all settled in by now. I know it was all a whirlwind when it happened.

Moves: Church - Lindy to Babylon. Not only did our church move from Lindenhurst where it's been for over a decade, but a lot of people within the church moved on to other places. I know everyone has their own reasons but it was still a painful process to go from seeing the people I grew up with every week, to not talking at all. I know it's a two way street but when you feel different rejection from different people it makes you want to withdraw from everyone that left. During the last year I questioned so much of what kind of relationships were in the church and what was real and what was crap. It made me angry and frustrated with church as a whole. I still love God, I still believe that good things can come from church. I'm trying to remember that everyone is broken in one way or another and as painful as the process was for me, I'm sure leaving a place you knew as your church home for so long is painful too. I lost contact with the majority of the youth group that Tim & I invested our love and time into, out of respect of each family and what they wanted for the next season for their kids. But it still hurts. As I write this out I'm realizing because I haven't fully processed this one out loud, it's coming out now. But anyways yea that was really hard to go through.

8. Death: Both my great-grandma (my dad's grandma, Babji) and grandpa (my mom's dad, Tom) passed away this year. It's all been a big blur. The worst part of it all was being so far from them. I have a lot of great memories with my great grandma. She had me stay in FL one month during the summer. I gained 20 lbs in that month no exaggeration and cried when I went to go school shopping. But I ate well and she always made sure that everyone had enough to eat when we were together. She would send me home with coins or perfume. She named her dog Candy even though they said it wasn't because of me. She would tape Saturday morning cartoons so we'd have something to watch at her house when we visited. Lots and lots of great memories. I'm really grateful I was able to see her about a year ago when I took the road trip with my dad to Texas. She was always a strong woman and it was sad seeing her weak in the end. But she lived to be in her 90's and that is awesome. She was an avid reader and puzzle doer and I really believe that helped. I had good memories of my Grandpa Tom when I was little of visiting his house, going to the ice cream shop, going to the zoo. That all is a little more fuzzy to me because we didn't really stay in touch. I'm sure when you have 11 kids and lots and lots of grand and great grandchildren it's hard to keep track of them all. He sadly died of cancer and it was all within last year so it was hard seeing what my mom went through with all of it. It made me reflect on everyone around me and how life is moving fast and that was something I didn't like at all. There were a lot more deaths this past year, most of them I heard about were sudden and that's always a wake up call. I would love to live to my 90's like my great grandma and I would like everyone I love to be able to do that as well, but I know that's not reality.

9. Three Weddings: On the plus side I got to see 3 different couples start their lives as husband and wife and all within a month and a half haha.

Eric & Laura - Tim's sister Laura, got married to Eric. It was raining in the morning but it was an absolutely BEAUTIFUL day. My favorite part was watching Eric, Laura & Leah dance together. It made me smile so much. They were always a family but it felt official that day. After they got married we found out they were having another BABY :) Yay!! (which explains the moving from Event #7)

Steve & Jessica - Jessica was someone I grew up with. Her mom and my aunt were good friends in high school and my dad has known her since then as well. We got back in touch a year before and it was perfect timing so I could see her get married (and soon have a baby too!! - I love babies!) Most memorable part of that day was that it SNOWED in October. We had SUCH crazy weather*

(*p.s. Hurricane Irene was this year too when most people lost power for up to a week or so - thank goodness we didn't, but we were prepared for it!)

Steve & Kristen - And last but not least was our friends Steve & Kristen's wedding. They got married on a fun date 11/11/11! It was so great spending time with our friends (kid-less) that night. From Ceremony to Reception you could feel the love in the room. Another beautiful wedding.

10. Sober: Even though I didn't have any real set order for the last 9 events I did save this one for the end because it was my favorite. Tim's dad was drinking as long as Tim can remember and I know that their family had been wanting and praying for him to stop (especially because of his health) He's been sober for a year :) It's been so great seeing him more at family get-togethers, playing games with him, & seeing him have fun with his grandkids. It makes my heart so happy. I know I can't even express it fully because I wasn't there from the beginning but I see the joy that it's brought to the whole family this year and it feels so good. Thank You God for answered prayers & restoration.

And with that I'll finally welcome the New Year (even though January is almost over) with the same prayer: Thank You God for answered prayers & restoration. I pray that 2012 will be full of them!

Yay I'm writing again!

I STILL haven't written what I came here to write! 2 blog posts later and I really think I'm going to post the things I was thinking about before I opened up blogger. haha I guess I had some catching up to do.

^{John 10:6-10} Jesus told this simple story, but they had no idea what he was talking about. So he tried again. "I'll be explicit, then. I am the Gate for the sheep. All those others are up to no good—sheep stealers, every one of them. But the sheep didn't listen to them. I am the Gate. Anyone who goes through me will be cared for—will FREELY go in and out, and find pasture. A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have REAL and eternal LIFE, MORE and BETTER life than they ever DREAMED of. (I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the FULL, till it ^[b]OVERFLOWS [AMP]).

I read this after the videos I'm about to post. But the one thing that I have been thinking over the past few weeks when I've been in my funk is "I don't get this - I want more, I SHOULD be having more life then I feel. I have Jesus. What is going on? Something is off etc. etc. etc." My heart was hard AGAIN. But once I watched the videos my heart began to melt a little at a time and as I thought about the goodness of God and how much He loves me and how much power He has I began to believe and think about what it says in the bible that God has called us to have a life that is more and better then we've ever dreamed, abundant, full, and overflowing. As I read the scripture again I saw what happened. "Anyone who goes through me will be cared for - will freely go in and out... AND "the thief was there to steal and kill and destroy." I freely went in and OUT. And my joy and hope got stolen when I chose not to be in the safety of my shepherd, my Daddy, God/Jesus.

So first I watched Flyleaf's Lacey's testimony from being an atheist at 10 years old, to planning on killing herself at 16, to God chasing her that day and her allowing Him to come and heal the broken places that saved her life... This is just one of the many videos of her telling her story on YouTube.

and this was the part of the video I typed up and posted on facebook:

"He's seen you crying yourself to sleep every night & He didn't intend for you to live that way. He came so that you would have life and have it to the fullest. When we talk about sin, we need to understand what sin is - Sin is not God saying "you can't do this, you can't do this" because He wants to take something away from you. He's saying, "if you do this, it will be death - if you do this it will be life" & He says "Please, choose life so that you can live. Please I made you, I know how you work. I made this whole Earth, I know how it works, & please I'm telling You, This is Life, This is death. Please choose Life so you can live. ""

I never heard 'sin; put that way, even though it resonated so much within me and know I've heard something similar. I want to choose life and I want it to be ABUNDANT [John 10:6-10] life. Not "just get me through this day life"

And then I watched/listened/worshiped to this:

If you don't want to sit for the whole 8 mins then I recommend starting at 5:55

And this part stuck out -

I don't want to hide in the darkness anymore- You delight God - so break the chains off my heart

That is what I had been doing. Hiding in the darkness.

I soaked in each word of the song that I had heard so many times but prayed/sang the "You delight God - so break the chains off my heart"

And you know what? He did just that. He's so faithful to cut the ties that bind up our hearts and minds when we let go. I honestly felt comfort sitting in the darkness when I was - it was familiar and I liked it. But I really didn't like it...I didn't like what it did to me over time.

So now I'm feeling much better then I have in a long time. And I'm going to continue to pray that I live my life abundantly. And I hope you're encouraged as well :)

*If you want a written out quick story on Lacey Mosley here's something I got from - believe it or not - urbandictionary.com

Throughout her earlier years, she was an outspoken atheist. At age ten, she began dabbling in drugs, and at thirteen fell into it even worse. "I was trying to figure out who I was and anything to separate me from my family, or to separate me from my situation at home was good to me," Mosley said. "It was like a warzone going home."

When she was fourteen years old, she received a bass guitar for Christmas and began playing Nirvana and Green Day songs with her brother who played guitar.

At sixteen, Mosley was kicked out of her home after a fight with her mother involving the police, and moved to Gulfport, Mississippi to live with her grandparents. There she attended high school and joined a band that was in need of a bass player. She went on to sing for the band, and picked up guitar so she could write her own songs.

During that same year, she went through bouts of depression and had suicidal tendencies. "I lost my boyfriend, I lost my brothers and sisters that I watched every day, and I lost my drugs that I did. I really felt like that was the end," she said. "So I decided to kill myself the next day." After her grandmother forced her to go to church, Mosley experienced something supernatural that brought her to God. "My life totally changed after that."

"I used to be in a really negative band, and that seemed to almost fuel my emptiness because that's what the songs were about." After a while, she quit the band and began playing by herself.

Broken, Unbroken, Broken, Unbroken

“No heart is as whole as a broken heart and I would say no faith is as solid as a wounded faith.” –Elie Weisel

Broken: I've been feeling 'broken'. The bad kind - the kind that feels so 'broken' it can't be fixed. Dealing with the same issues in cycles is definitely not something you want to find yourself going through again, and again and - again.

Unbroken: So what do I do? I try to fix myself. Try to patch things up with some...scotch tape. It's supposed to be clear/translucent right? Yea...right. You can see that it's there trying to hold the broken pieces together. The heavy heavy broken pieces together. So now do I not only feel like I'm broken but I'm pretending to be 'unbroken' and hold myself together temporally - cause you know how well scotch tape works - and you know how "clear and translucent" it is. I'm not fooling anyone.

Broken: So now I'm finally back (again) to the place where I'm ready to say "yea I'm broken". And instead of trying to pick up the pieces, hold myself together and pretend I'm not broken - I'll embrace the fact that I AM broken and THAT will turn into the good kind of breaking:

Psalm 51:17 [Amplified]

My sacrifice [the sacrifice acceptable] to God is a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart [broken down with sorrow for sin and humbly and thoroughly penitent], such, O God, You will not despise.

Psalm 51:16-17 [Message]

Going through the motions doesn't please you,
a flawless performance is nothing to you.
I learned God-worship
when my pride was shattered.
Heart-shattered lives ready for love
DON'T for a moment escape God's notice.

Unbroken: So this is my broken prayer so He can reeaaaalllyyy put the pieces back together. And I will again be unbroken. (Psalm 51 - I'm doing this for myself more then the people who are reading this - but you're more then welcome to read it through, pray it through, sing it through... I'm sure you've heard lots of songs written from this if you've been in church so sing along if you decide to read all the way through haha. And if you do read it through - try to read it with new eyes and ears and heart...it feels good)

¹HAVE MERCY upon me, O God, according to Your steadfast love; according to the multitude of Your tender mercy and loving-kindness blot out my transgressions.

²Wash me thoroughly [and repeatedly] from my iniquity and guilt and cleanse me and make me wholly pure from my sin!

³For I am conscious of my transgressions and I acknowledge them; my sin is ever before me.

⁴Against You, You only, have I sinned and done that which is evil in Your sight, so that You are justified in Your sentence and faultless in Your judgment.^(A)

⁵Behold, I was brought forth in [a state of] iniquity; my mother was sinful who conceived me [and I too am sinful].^(B)

⁶Behold, You desire truth in the inner being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart.

⁷Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean [ceremonially]; wash me, and I shall [in reality] be whiter than snow.

⁸Make me to hear joy and gladness and be satisfied; let the bones which YOU have broken REJOICE.

⁹Hide Your face from my sins and blot out all my guilt and iniquities.

¹⁰Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a RIGHT, persevering, and steadfast spirit within me.

¹¹Cast me not away from Your presence and take not Your Holy Spirit from me.

¹²Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit.

¹³Then will I teach transgressors Your ways, and sinners shall be converted and return to YOU.

¹⁴Deliver me from bloodguiltiness and death, O God, the God of my salvation, and my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness (Your rightness and Your justice).

¹⁵O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth shall show forth Your praise.

¹⁶For You delight NOT in sacrifice, or else would I give it; You find no pleasure in burnt offering.^(C)

¹⁷My sacrifice [the sacrifice acceptable] to God is a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart [broken down with sorrow for sin and humbly and thoroughly penitent], such, O God, You will not despise.

¹⁸Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion; rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.

¹⁹THEN will You delight in the sacrifices of righteousness, justice, and right, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering; then bullocks will be offered upon Your altar.

"It's been a while..." ♫

As I was about to write my first post in a few months the song "It's been a while" popped into my head. I don't even know the last time I heard it and it's definitely not a favorite song...It's not even in my itunes. I was just going to write it as a title and start writing what I was currently thinking about but decided to look up the lyrics and see if I could relate and...yep - I can...

So here they are: [with my notes]

It's been a while
Since I could hold my head up high [I've been feeling beaten down and discouraged]
and it's been a while
Since I first saw you [I was thinking about God and the things I've experienced in the past with Him in real ways]
It's been a while
since i could stand on my own two feet again [Back to the feeling beaten down part]
and it's been a while
since i could call you [I had put God on the 'back burner' & was looking to everything other then Him to try and help]
But everything I can't remember as f***** up as it may seem [Most of the time I don't know how I end up feeling down]
the consequences that I've rendered [self explanatory]
I've stretched myself beyond my means [I've been busy and need to take a step back and figure out what I'm spending my time and energy on]

It's been a while
since i could say that i wasn't addicted and [food, escapes, depression etc.]
It's been a while
Since I could say I love myself as well and [I'm getting much much better at this over time, Thank God!]
It's been a while
Since I've gone and f***** things up just like i always do [never ending self destructing cycle I find myself on]
It's been a while
But all that s*** seems to disappear when i'm with you [you as in God and yes it's true even with the language]
But everything I can't remember as f***** up as it may seem
the consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and f***** things up again [Hopefully this is where I can't relate to the song]

Why must i feel this way?
just make this go away
just one more peaceful day [My prayer - even though I know it can just be an escape and not dealing with the emotions in front of me]

Its been awhile
Since I could lok at myself straight [hiding from everyone including myself]
and it's been awhile
since i said i'm sorry [Sorry God!!]
It's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face [mmm I don't know God is 'light'? haha]
It's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste ["Taste" and see that the Lord is good - blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him]
But everything I can't remember as f***** up as it may seem
I know it's me i cannot blame this on my father [Although I know I still have father issues I also know this is true - You can't put the blame on everyone else. Eventually you have to take responsibility for your own actions]
he did the best he could for me [and this I definitely know to be true about my own popsi]

It's been a while
Since I could hold my head up high
and it's been a while since i said i'm sorry

So that's my first post in a few months. :) It's good to be writing again even if it's writing notes on a song that I don't even love.

Perfect Storm Dream: 8/16/11

I haven't been watching the news because it usually feeds the fear that is deep down inside of me but I have been hearing updates from family and friends who have been watching the news. We will definitely listen up tomorrow because that's smart. Just because I'm not watching the news doesn't mean that I'm ignoring what's going on and preparing. Tim has bought wood to ply up the windows. I'm in the process of trying to find a generator so that the food that I have stocked up doesn't go bad & if I don't find it, then I'm in the process of freezing lots of tupperware full of water so I'll have big one huge ice box. And through it all I was just reminded of the dream I had 10 days ago. Maybe it's not literal at all but I think it could've been a heads up to pray and prepare. So that's what I'll be doing. I actually feel a peace. If you need somewhere to go, let me know. "My family WILL be safe and together"

• Candice Rose Fowler

  Can't stop think about the intense dream I had... Im trying to figure out if it was just the things I read before bed or if there's something that I should prepare for.

  

  August 17 at 9:26am via mobile · Privacy: · ·

• 
  

  • August 18 at 6:33am ·
  • 

    Candice Rose Fowler Well to sum it up: there was a huge destructive storm coming and I was at my parents house with my brother, sister, Wade, my parents, my kids. I was watching everything get knocked around and broken outside and I knew that people were most likely dying because of the severity of the storm. I was waiting for Tim to get to the house from work and I couldn't get in touch with him so I was nervous. My sister-in-law came as well and as she was driving towards a house a huge branch went into her car. Even though there was much chaos outside we went into the basement and my dad have filled the whole place to the ceiling with food and water and anything else we would need. We could've lived there for years. My brother made a comment that he thought we were the only family that could have fun in the midst of something so bad and suggested playing capture the flag. We were also looking at the canned food and figuring out what meals we could make but looking forward to the challenge. Finally Tim got there as Dan was setting up capture the flag and I was so happy and relived that he was safe. We were trying to make a meal when we heard something besides the storm outside. It was this group of people who were out to destroy things and people and they were running away from getting captured. So we all (my whole family) ran to the basement and locked ourselves in it to stay safe from the storm and the people. And then I woke up.
    
    (Note: I read my aunt's status saying she was canning chicken, and part of that is to prepare for JPJ's 'perfect storm'. So I'm thinking that could have A LOT to do with that) But I still woke up and wanted to go to my parents basement and literally clear it out haha

    August 18 at 10:33am ·
• • 

    Tom Zawacki Sound like some kind of serious storm is coming but "Dad" has everything prepared and ready for it. Fear not, your family will be safe and together.

    August 18 at 10:51am · · 1 person

Don't it always seem to go...

Today I spent the majority of my morning trying to figure out what we were going to do with Tim's car. Last week Tim called me when he got to work and told me he had bad news. My heart sank and my mind raced. This wasn't the first time he called with 'bad news'. Last time he was in an accident and had to go to the hospital. Thank God that wasn't the case again. He said the engine light started flashing and when he would slow down to stop the whole car would shake and rattle. Friday we tried to tow it home ourselves but the steering was totally locked up so we had to leave the car Tim's work shop over the weekend. It caused so much stress and frustration. For the past few days we've been talking through every option we would think of. We'd talk and talk and not come to any conclusions and we'd agree to take a break and talk about it more later. After doing this for about 3-4 days straight, today was the day we had to really really make a final decision. It can't stay at his job forever. Our first option was to have it towed to our house so that when tax time came, we could trade it in as part of a payment and pay the rest in cash for a used car. But after quoting tow prices for about a half hour and the lowest price being $195 we decided not to do that. I told Tim that if it was the coilpack like we think it could be, we might as well spend the $200 towards that if we were going to spend anything at all. So towing was out. Tim has been frustrated with the car because it keeps leaking water when it rains (which we bought a cover for) He's tired of changing out wet towels when he forgets to put the cover on so he suggested just donating it and they would tow it for free. I called our tax person and asked her what her opinion was and he said with the tax bracket we're in, we'd only get about $25-$30 for it so if we can get more then that it would be worth it. So now I'm trying to look into cash for car places and that's making my head spin.

Tim has put time $ money into it and I'm sure if we can get something for the parts I'd feel better. He was listing all the new parts it had like timing belt, spark plugs, ignition wires, control arms in front suspension, front tires, gold quality breaks front and back. That in itself should be good for a junk yard to re-sell.

But I have to come to terms that I won't have the luxury of being about to make appointments, go grocery shopping, take the boys ANYWHERE during the day without having to drive Tim to work. (which is an.....

Annnnd I never finished writing this ha!

Stealing Moments

The moments of time I've been able to steal away lately have been filled with painful memories that has lead to a heavy heart. Haven't quite figured out how to give it all to God when I don't exactly know why the same things that have hurt over time keep coming up over and over and over and over. I'm like "enough already!!" "What else can I learn from this? What more can I do about it?" I just want to move on ... and at some points over time, I truly felt that I had.

So here I am so drained physically and emotionally but I NEED to unload some of my heavy heart because it made me feel so sick today - & the more I think about things the wave of nausea hits me again.

So God, I don't understand what's going on. I don't understand why I'm not done processing the same crap. Show me what you want to show me. Help me learn and grow from whatever is going on. Thank You for being trustworthy and loving. Help me to let go to the hurt and the pain that I've obviously gripped once again. Help me to listen for Your voice throughout the day and steal moments to exchange love. Help me be aware of You all around me. Thank You for everything You are. You're amazing & I Love You.

Over & Over: The Song

I finally recorded a video of Over & Over. I wish I had Tim &/or my mom singing with me cause I love what they bring to it. But you can sing along! :)

I look constipated in the still shot of the video...and I have to learn how to sing with my eyes open haha. blah blah blah Anyway!

Here it is and if you haven't read the story behind it click here: http://wwwcandicecom.blogspot.com/2011/06/behind-music-over-over.html

People Always Leave...

One of the things I'm being reminded of right now is that you won't have people in your life forever. There's cycles of friendships that drift & then come back together but for the most part, the majority of relationships here on Earth come to an end. As years go on, typical things happen that change the dynamic of a friendship: people move (jobs, schools, location) get married, have babies, die, people get busy, interests change & the time you do spend are not with each other, people disagree, have misunderstandings and stop the relationships by choice.

Whatever way life goes you'll experience at least one of these things that effect your relationship with another person. It's a part of life. And no matter if the losses are a gradual drifting apart or a severe cut, it can hurt just the same.

I know when I got pregnant with Joshua at 16 it TOTALLY changed the dynamic of my friendships. I was not in the same place as others my age and I know I hurt my friends in the process because I had other things going on and my friendships were no longer #1 like they were in the past. (And if you're reading this now and I hurt you back then, I'm so sorry)

As I reflect on the last couple of years I can think of a few people who I don't have as close of a relationship and when I think of them I feel really sad because it's just not the same. Two at the top of my head are people in my family. So much has happened in such a short amount of time and I know that I didn't handle everything in the greatest way. I'm still not sure what I should've done different to prevent the drifting apart or if it's just a part of the cycle change but I'm really sorry for any pain I caused you guys.

And to anyone else that I've hurt along the way, I'm really really sorry!

And now, as I go through the new hurts and changes in the relationships around me, I have to remind myself that this is a part of life. I still don't know that anything could've been done on my part (or even theirs) to prevent it...But it still hurts like the others have hurt along the years.

I came across a quote that pretty much sums it up:

“The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal." C.S. Lewis

And I know that even though I feel deeply and my heart feels raw, this is just another season and new friendships will come and it'll be a really good thing. Some relationships can pick up right where they left off as I've seen numerous times in the past so I look forward to those and the new ones I'll gain.

And I hear the lyrics of this song by Jonathan David Helser run through my head and my heart: "You Never Leave". And that gives me great joy & peace. And I can already feel the brokeness start to mend inside of me. & my self protection start to melt away. Thank You God for never leaving me. Thank You Jesus for never giving up on me. Help me to love like You love. Help me to forgive like You've forgiven me. Keep me humble and gracious in everything I do. Continue to heal my broken heart and protect it until I can catch my breath. You are so good to me and I thank You for all that You've done and all that You're doing.

^{Matthew 15:18-20}

¹⁸ But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these defile you. ¹⁹ For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. ²⁰ These are what defile you; but eating with unwashed hands does not defile you.”

God clean out my heart. All the junk I've let pile up inside, wash it away. Clear it out. I give everything I've been holding onto, to You. All my hurts anger, judgements, frustrations, greed, lust, selfishness & anything else inside that I may not even see. Let my mouth overflow the goodness of Your great love & not a bitter heart.

I love You Jesus. Thank You for saving me even though I mess up every single day. Remind me to come to You so I can let go and function in a healthy way. Help me stand secure in who YOU say I am and not what others say. You alone are the only One who knows my heart. Thank You for everything and helping me feel a million times better from what I felt when I first started writing. I love You! :)

In the middle of the storm, You are the peace
In the middle of the desert, You are my stream
In the middle of my mess,You wash my feet
In the middle of it all, here You are

Oh Lord, You'll never leave, You'll never leave
You'll never leave, I am not alone
You'll never leave, You'll never leave
You'll never leave, I am not alone

In the middle of my brokeness, You are my strength
In the middle my nothing, You are everything
In the middle of cry, You answered me
In the middle of it all, here You are

Oh Lord, You'll never leave, You'll never leave
You'll never leave, I am not alone
You'll never leave, You'lle never leave
You'll never leave, I am not alone

You'll never leave, You'll never leave
You'll never leave, You'll never leave
Oh my King, You'll never leave, You'll never leave
You'll never leave, I am not alone

Closer than the air that I breathe
Oh God You're invading my space
Closer than the skin or my broken frame
You know every word on my lips even before I speak
Every day of my life, God, is written, written on Your book

You know me, inside and out
You created me on my mother's womb
You never even thought about leaving me
Even in my sin, even in my darkness
And all my mess, You, You, You loved me

You came down from heaven, perfect one
Walked right into my sin
And with the towel and a basin
You washed the feet, washed the feet, the filthy feet
Only God, Who's ever heard such a thing
'Bout a King would wash his serent's feet
About a King would wash his servent King

Oh, What a love, that the God of all would come down
From Heaven above, washed the feet of the one He loved
He never leave, He never leave

- Jonathan David Helser: 'The Middle'