People Always Leave...

One of the things I'm being reminded of right now is that you won't have people in your life forever. There's cycles of friendships that drift & then come back together but for the most part, the majority of relationships here on Earth come to an end. As years go on, typical things happen that change the dynamic of a friendship: people move (jobs, schools, location) get married, have babies, die, people get busy, interests change & the time you do spend are not with each other, people disagree, have misunderstandings and stop the relationships by choice.

Whatever way life goes you'll experience at least one of these things that effect your relationship with another person. It's a part of life. And no matter if the losses are a gradual drifting apart or a severe cut, it can hurt just the same.

I know when I got pregnant with Joshua at 16 it TOTALLY changed the dynamic of my friendships. I was not in the same place as others my age and I know I hurt my friends in the process because I had other things going on and my friendships were no longer #1 like they were in the past. (And if you're reading this now and I hurt you back then, I'm so sorry)

As I reflect on the last couple of years I can think of a few people who I don't have as close of a relationship and when I think of them I feel really sad because it's just not the same. Two at the top of my head are people in my family. So much has happened in such a short amount of time and I know that I didn't handle everything in the greatest way. I'm still not sure what I should've done different to prevent the drifting apart or if it's just a part of the cycle change but I'm really sorry for any pain I caused you guys.

And to anyone else that I've hurt along the way, I'm really really sorry!

And now, as I go through the new hurts and changes in the relationships around me, I have to remind myself that this is a part of life. I still don't know that anything could've been done on my part (or even theirs) to prevent it...But it still hurts like the others have hurt along the years.

I came across a quote that pretty much sums it up:

“The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal." C.S. Lewis

And I know that even though I feel deeply and my heart feels raw, this is just another season and new friendships will come and it'll be a really good thing. Some relationships can pick up right where they left off as I've seen numerous times in the past so I look forward to those and the new ones I'll gain.

And I hear the lyrics of this song by Jonathan David Helser run through my head and my heart: "You Never Leave". And that gives me great joy & peace. And I can already feel the brokeness start to mend inside of me. & my self protection start to melt away. Thank You God for never leaving me. Thank You Jesus for never giving up on me. Help me to love like You love. Help me to forgive like You've forgiven me. Keep me humble and gracious in everything I do. Continue to heal my broken heart and protect it until I can catch my breath. You are so good to me and I thank You for all that You've done and all that You're doing.

^{Matthew 15:18-20}

¹⁸ But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these defile you. ¹⁹ For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. ²⁰ These are what defile you; but eating with unwashed hands does not defile you.”

God clean out my heart. All the junk I've let pile up inside, wash it away. Clear it out. I give everything I've been holding onto, to You. All my hurts anger, judgements, frustrations, greed, lust, selfishness & anything else inside that I may not even see. Let my mouth overflow the goodness of Your great love & not a bitter heart.

I love You Jesus. Thank You for saving me even though I mess up every single day. Remind me to come to You so I can let go and function in a healthy way. Help me stand secure in who YOU say I am and not what others say. You alone are the only One who knows my heart. Thank You for everything and helping me feel a million times better from what I felt when I first started writing. I love You! :)

In the middle of the storm, You are the peace
In the middle of the desert, You are my stream
In the middle of my mess,You wash my feet
In the middle of it all, here You are

Oh Lord, You'll never leave, You'll never leave
You'll never leave, I am not alone
You'll never leave, You'll never leave
You'll never leave, I am not alone

In the middle of my brokeness, You are my strength
In the middle my nothing, You are everything
In the middle of cry, You answered me
In the middle of it all, here You are

Oh Lord, You'll never leave, You'll never leave
You'll never leave, I am not alone
You'll never leave, You'lle never leave
You'll never leave, I am not alone

You'll never leave, You'll never leave
You'll never leave, You'll never leave
Oh my King, You'll never leave, You'll never leave
You'll never leave, I am not alone

Closer than the air that I breathe
Oh God You're invading my space
Closer than the skin or my broken frame
You know every word on my lips even before I speak
Every day of my life, God, is written, written on Your book

You know me, inside and out
You created me on my mother's womb
You never even thought about leaving me
Even in my sin, even in my darkness
And all my mess, You, You, You loved me

You came down from heaven, perfect one
Walked right into my sin
And with the towel and a basin
You washed the feet, washed the feet, the filthy feet
Only God, Who's ever heard such a thing
'Bout a King would wash his serent's feet
About a King would wash his servent King

Oh, What a love, that the God of all would come down
From Heaven above, washed the feet of the one He loved
He never leave, He never leave

- Jonathan David Helser: 'The Middle'