Judgment rises

I can feel the judgment in me rising to the surface. Things I haven't even thought about in months...now right in front of me. Isn't that the way it usually unfolds.

So what do you want me to do with this God?

I'm still angry and feel there's been a lot of injustice within these situations...

Please bring restoration on every side. Help me remove myself. This is not mine to carry.

You are worthy of praise and worship. We are all unclean and 'unworthy' but you love us. You love each and EVERY one of us. My worship is no different coming from any other person. You love us. I need help reminding myself of that. I'm quick to jump and be like "pfft, they're not ready to love you the way I love you" ...but who knows their heart? Not me. I know nothing. You know everything. Keep changing my heart to align with Yours. Change my mindset. I'm so sorry for the way I act. Looking back, I can't even believe I feel the way I did. Who am I?

I'm Your Beloved... And so are they.

Hold them in your arms and soften their hearts like you do to mine.

You're amazing.

Keep Holding On

I can hear God singing this...

You're not alone

Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
Keep holding on

There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Passion

I'm just thinking about passion right now - the things that are right in the core of who you are.
Things that feel natural, things that bring you joy and excitement.

The complexity and simplicity of life and reason.

What brings you joy, what excites you, what are you passionate about?

And why?

There's definitely a reason behind it.
Maybe it's a hobby, a past time, a job - extreme or not - everyone has something in them that fulfills them when they do it.

What's yours?
Do you make time for it?

Would life be more fulfilling if you made time & room for the things you were passionate about?

Not everyone has the same passions, right?

There has to be a reason it's in there...

I think so.

Jowls Ft. My 3 Sons

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Snow Day

This is what we do on a snow day - make a virtual snowball fight with grandma and grandpa!

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Holding On

Micah 7:8

Do not gloat over me, my enemy!
Though I have fallen, I will rise.
Though I sit in darkness,
the LORD will be my light.

PMS?

Possibility?

Bleh.

Ok...I feel deeply right? Even when it may not be my own...I feel deeply.

Sometimes it FEELS unbearable. I know it's not. I know it's just emotions. But they are real. They are strong. They can cause actions and re-actions.

I have a lot going on inside of me. I have a lot going on around me. I just watched intervention on TV and I know that didn't help the feelings I was already feeling.

But just say - all this is not my own. All these feelings and emotions are not my own.

They're still real. People feel this way every single day. And it's deadly and dark.

It's overwhelming and despairing.

I know tonight will pass for me...but what about them?

Whoever they are.

I've gone through seasons and hope comes.

How do you keep holding on when you feel so empty?

God help. Rescue.

Where is joy?

...cause I need strength.

Void

That is the word of tonight.

The End.

Deep Dark Anger & Shame

I'm great at stuffing my emotions and pain. I try to hide my anger or sadness (which I know I'm pretty lousy at haha) When things begin to rise I tend to change the subject or brush it off.

But the past few weeks I've been reminded of what I experienced as a child and the shame and anger that comes with it. I pray and ask help to forgive... and for healing so I'm doing that once again and hopefully full healing and restoration will follow.

As far back as I remember, sexuality was a part of my life. I remember being in a pre-school class and sitting in the back next to a boy and having our hands down each other's pants. I don't ever remember the teacher telling us not to do it or anyone even noticing. Around the same time I remember hiding in the closet with a boy. I don't know what we were doing in there because it's kind of foggy but I know it was part of the 'curiosity' of discovery. From there things got deeper and darker...

When I lived in England, we lived on base and it felt safe. I remember going to the park all the time and having fun with my friends because it was so close. It was enclosed and I felt like nobody could hurt me. There was no looking over my shoulder. I would also walk dogs by myself for the neighbors in exchange for candy or money and I felt so big even though I was only 6 or 7. Joshua is 7 and things are so much different...or is it really not so different after all.

One of the times I went for a walk with my friend, I remember coming across some pretty graphic porn magazines near the park. Even though I was young I can still remember it.

Shortly after that, not even a year later I don't think, I went to another friend's house and she showed me her mom's vibrator told me all about it. That was around the time I walked in on my friend's dad in the bathroom and seeing everything. I was so embarrassed.

I ask myself "Why?!?" all the time. Why was I exposed to this stuff at such a young age? I really don't feel like it is normal. I'm angry about it and still feel unprotected.

My mom told me that when I was about 3 or 4, our nanny's friend's 15-16 year old niece or someone was always around. She said one day I told her that the girl kissed me. When my mom asked "how", I replied "wrong".

Around the same time as finding the magazines I had a close friend and neighbor who was 2 years older then me. We had so much fun and did everything together. Little did I know that she was being touched by someone. She began to experiment with me and vice versa. Looking back I can't even believe what I've been through at such a young age. Even re-reading this, makes me feel so dirty and messed up.

Our parents were great friends and caught us after a few times. I remember crying, mostly because we weren't allowed to hang out for a while. At the beginning I don't even think I realized how wrong it was. Looking back I see it perfectly clear. Being exposed was the beginning of me really feeling ashamed. I don't blame my neighbor for what happened. I don't blame my parents either. This stuff happens all the time, no matter how much you try and protect and watch. You can't be there every second of the day. And if you try it'll just make you crazy. I want the generational stuff to STOP with my children.

I was watching the live broadcast of www.ihop.org for the last few days on and off.

There were so many stories of people who were sexually abused, and from there began the self-hatred. I really feel these situations I went through were the beginning of my self-hatred.

The people telling their stories said that God was able to heal them in moments that years of therapy would have taken.

So I'm asking you God, to take this shame of my past from me. Help me to really really really know that all this was not my fault and I didn't cause this to happen. Please help me to forgive all the people who took advantage of my innocence and made me grow up way too fast. Break off all the twisted thinking and lust that is rooted in the past. I pray that you would heal me and restore me. And I pray for those who have had similar (and worse) pasts that you would begin healing and restoring them. Break off the self-hatred, and the self-destructive behaviors. Help us to see ourselves as pure in your eyes. Our past experiences are NOT who we are. Help me to really really believe it.

Heal me in moments that years of therapy would take.

I love You.

Can You Graduate Church?

Tom just posted this tonight and it really made me think about stuff I've been thinking about all week.

Church Alumni

This is what I replied to Tom's post on Facebook about the video:

I think the one thing I don't like about "church, the building" is that when someone doesn't show up or attend it leaves another area to start to judging that person. God knows the person's heart. He can still speak to them, even if they're going through a really rocky time and aren't coming because they've been hurt or whatever. Maybe if they are keeping they're relationship with Jesus on Sunday morning and they go to the supermarket or the park, it could be a way to open up and show love and kindness, instead of all the Christians being in a building at the same time. This past week I've been constantly thinking how church, the way it is and has been is not biblical (if you think about the way Jesus did it!). It doesn't say go to the building from this time to this time, worship for an hour and listen to the bible readings" He walked around, ate with people, talked, shared life and stories, he prayed for people, loved people etc. I'm ALL about community and getting together. I love people and being around them (most of the time haha) I love worshiping with people and praying together. But that all really could be done outside a building...

BUT... I LOVE my church and pastor so I really wouldn't want to stop going : ( hahaha.
I feel so alive and happy after getting together with everyone, especially the way things have been going.

...But I'm all about mixing it up.

I do want to add, that I totally think church can be good thing. I'm definitely not anti-church at all! Especially when you have great children's and youth programs that I've seen and experienced in the past or messages that make you think throughout the week. But relationship with Jesus shouldn't be a once a week thing on Sunday mornings although I am guilty of that some weeks. Same with raising kids to know God. They shouldn't just hear it in children's church. I know if there were real authentic and honest relationships then even those needs could be met among friends because I think it is so so so important to be accountable to someone, have people to pray and encourage and build you up. And when you are going through a rough time, they will be the same people to speak the truth in love and I think you'll be able to receive and really hear it.

I think I found an answer to my Waves post

Just a little venting to get it out of my system

Something so silly is making me upset and then I get mad at myself for being upset about something so silly.

I started making a tomato sauce on Saturday. I used what we had in the house and let it cook pretty much all day. I tasted it at the end of the evening and it was still very very bitter.

We were out all day Sunday so it sat in the fridge.

This morning I put it back on the stove and tried to think of ways I could salvage it.

I decided I was going to try and make it into chili. I put different spices in it. Other stuff I had around the house...and 6 hours later...STILL bitter!

I even looked up ways on the internet and tried adding a little baking soda, red wine, salt...But it was still no good. I gave up but felt so sad. That was a meal we could've eaten and I really tried to make the most of it.

I think it was even more discouraging because I've been trying so so so hard to use what we have in the house but still change it up. I attempted 2 other recipes and the smell of both made my stomach turn. I love to cook...usually. I got excited as I was preparing everything thinking we were going to have different stuff to eat this week with stuff we already have in the house.

The thing that really gets to me is that there are people who have NOTHING. They would eat anything because they're literally starving. I feel like a horrible person for feeling upset about the food I've been preparing not meeting my expectations or tasting/smelling not the greatest.

Am I supposed to learn something from this?

It honestly makes me question a lot. It doesn't make me question God's existence or love for me because deep down I really really know that to be true. I may not be able to explain or prove or anything but I just know it to be real.

But I just do not understand how it could say...

Do Not Worry

²⁵"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life

²⁸"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I know there are people out there who love God, seek Him out and still have nothing... especially in different countries.

But I know that:

James 1:26-27 (The Message)

^26-27Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world.

All this stuff inside me is messing my heart and mind up.

I need You to speak to me God. I need to hear You.

And I want You to provide. If you're showing me something in the midst of this all, open up my eyes to what's really going on underneath it all.

I love you. Nothing will change that.

Waves

I've been having waves of emotions lately. And it's not even an every other day thing. I can be praying and trusting and hopeful and within 5 minutes I'm angry and upset and frustrated.

I was just talking to my mom on the phone and something that has been in me came out. And hearing it out loud was horrible and upsetting. She didn't judge me and I'm thankful for that. She knows that it's just my process and I'm human. So now I'm sure that most of you reading are wondering what I said...

Well basically it came down to not understanding how with everything we've been through - although we've made mistakes I don't understand why we're not doing better then others around us. (financially) because we've been trying to make good choices and move forward with our journey with God. Although it's not fully the same thing, it reminded me of the story of the prodigal son. I felt like that religious brother getting angry at the brother who messed up and still gets lavished with love and feasting, while I was faithful** with what was put in front of me. I don't want to be that brother at all -

I put the ** next to faithful because in reality - I messed up every single day for as long as I can remember. I will never have it all right, no matter how hard I try. It's the way it is and the way it always will be.

But the reason for it, is to show God's love and mercy. I'm a mess, full of angry and bitterness, and sin. But He still loves me, He still chose me, He still prays for me, He still holds me, He still is EVERYTHING I fall short of - which is everything haha.

God, Please forgive me for holding this anger in my heart towards You, towards people that I know. I'm really sorry for doing that. I don't want to live and be like this. I want to bless and love people just as You do every single day.

I do pray for the provision we need. You are faithful, always have been and always will be.

We need Your help. Help us to learn and grow right where we're at. Provide the income/provision we need to live and be fed. And I ask that you would multiply that so we can help others the way You and others have helped us.

I thank You that you don't give up on me, you don't roll your eyes or are shocked when I do stupid things. I thank you that you don't try and change me, that you're patient and loving.

(again everything I do at times to others, you don't)

I thank You that you'll always be there for me no matter where I've been, what I've done or said. And I thank You that You created me and washed me completely clean the day you died on the cross. You see me as perfect - help me to stop striving and to just live under the love You have for me.

Some good advice...

I've been stressing out on and off with trying to figure out which direction on what the next step of our lives are...

Is it simple? Is it major? Are we going to change jobs? Which job field is the right one? Are we supposed to move in the near future?

And I feel like I'm not getting any REAL answers.

I came across this (and looked up different translations)

So I will trust that in the midst of all the talk and planning...God's perfect plan(s) WILL come through in the end.

“Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.”- Proverbs 19:20-21

²⁰ Take good counsel and accept correction—
that's the way to live wisely and well.

²¹ We humans keep brainstorming options and plans,
but God's purpose prevails.

²⁰ Get all the advice and instruction you can,
so you will be wise the rest of your life.

²¹ You can make many plans,
but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.

My Hope is in You

I typed in the word 'trust' on www.biblegateway.com

And began skimming thorough the verses that showed up.

As soon as I saw this one, I began humming a Third Day song in my head...

Psalm 25:2

in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me.

So naturally I found the chords of the song, pulled out the guitar and found the key that is comfortable for me and : )

Here's the Lyrics

(chords are simple too, just back and forth between the two of them...

C,F or D,G or E,A, or FB etc. etc etc

And where the * is it's a Am, or Bm, or Cm...you get the point)

To you, O Lord, I lift my soul
In you, O God, I place my trust
Do not let me be put to shame
Nor let my enemies triumph over me

My hope is in you
Show me your ways
Guide me in Truth*
In all my days
My hope is in you

I am, O Lord, filled with your love
You are, O God, my salvation
Guard my life and rescue me
My broken spirit shouts
My mended heart cries out...

What a great song to be reminded of at such an appropriate time.

My Hope is in Him.

Out of control and holding grudges

Yesterday Tim got hurt on the job. He went to lift a generator and felt something pop...He's been in a lot of pain and can't walk too well since...

This morning I drove him to his shop because he didn't think he'd be able to drive safely. A few months ago he got a ticket on his way to a job he was doing. He was driving the work truck on a non-commercial street and didn't know. He was just following the way the boss mapped it out for him. The first court date they told him that he didn't have to go and they would take care of it. But the judge wasn't happy about that because Tim was the driver and rescheduled it for this morning. But when Tim went in this morning she asked for proof that he was going to a job and the company never gave him any. I think he thought he would just be paying the fine. So it's rescheduled AGAIN for March and if they don't have proof or if it was more then 3 blocks away from the job, he gets 2 points on his license and fined about $300. Ughh. I really hope this all gets worked out. Our insurance just started going down more and the points from a few years ago will be off next day. I was looking forward to a clean slate.

Before we went to the DMV, Tim talked to one of his bosses and asked him about workman's comp. He asked how it affected the company. His boss said that they would have to pay a lot. Tim told him that he wasn't looking to 'screw' the company over. And suggested that he get paid directly for the time he has to take off. His boss said he had to talk to a few people but hinted that they were going to have Tim stay home anyway because they don't have much work for him...(which means no $$ for Tim)

Which is another thing I've been upset about. Last week, they sent him home early because work is slow and the next day, they told him not to come in. But Tim gets paid for the hours he works...no work = no $$ = no paid bills... etc.

I feel like it's time for a new job. But I don't know where to begin to help looking. Tim said he may not want to do physical stuff now because of what's happened to his body but that's what he was trained in and has done for the last 8 years...

I need direction, guidance, provision, help...

and I neeeeeed to let go of my anger, frustrations and annoyance of Tim's current job and the way they've treated Tim...

God Help Me.

Oh what love...

oh what love, Oh what ♥ LOOOOOOVE ♥

yes it's deep down in there, in the midst of my exhaustion , there is passion and excitement and LOVE - oh what love.

God, even when I'm weak continue to work in and through me. ESPECIALLY when I'm weak - cause that's when your strength shines through. I pray that this next season, whatever it may hold, you would be RIGHT there in the midst. That you would just prepare the hearts of the people - each and every one of them. The ones who are opening themselves up to you to be vessels for the works of you and the ones who are opening themselves up to be healed and restored. Oh what love!!! Let the love of the father go deeper and deeper and deeper until we can't take it anymore and then go even deeper! Stir it up, stir it up. We were made to serve you and praise you. We were made to be your hands and feet. Fill us up as we pour out. Help us to love extravagantly like you love us! It never ends, it never dries up. It just flows and flows and rises and floods. Wash this place. Wash my heart, wash it out, and then flood it out. God, you're right here and you never leave. Help me to find you in the midst of daily life. To see your beauty in everything around me. You are so awesome God. and I love you. I love you, I love yoouuuuu!!

Oh what love!

Say Won't You Say...

I was never a huge Jennifer Knapp follower. I know a decent amount of her songs, I believe.

Tonight "Say won't you say" started playing in my head. I had no idea what that song was about so I decided to look up the lyrics.

Say won't You say
Say that You love me
with love, ever, love, love everlasting?
All my devotion put into motion by You

Every morning I
have a chance to rise and give my all
but every afternoon I find I have only wasted time
In light of Your awe
Isn't love amazing, I forgot how to speak
knowing You are near and I am finally free

My eyes fear to close
this reckless letting go is hard to bear
on the edge of all I need, still I cling to what I see
and what have I there?
Bred my own disaster, who have I to blame?
When all I need is waiting to be fanned to flame

I opened up my eyes to see You standing there
Oh I can barely breathe, and I can hardly bear
All the love that I feel for You inside
I hope You feel it now, some,somehow

After reading through this a few times and attempting to find a semi-decent version to listen to on youtube - I was able to really see/hear what this song is about. I definitely can relate. Especially the first verse and the morning and afternoon thing....Not just with God at times - everything.

I am super tired so I'm ending this now. I just felt like writing so here I am and there I go.

The Inspirer

Most of the Facebook quizzes are silly but there's some you come across and you're like "wow, I really am like that..."

This is one of them.

ENFP - The Inspirer

You are lucky because you are good at a variety of different things. In general you are successful at things you are interested in, however you do have a tendency to get bored easily and sometimes don't follow things through to completion. You should avoid jobs involving detailed, routine tasks and focus of careers where you have the freedom and flexibility to be creative and interact with other people. You have natural leadership skills without the need to always be in charge. This coupled with your creativity and energy allows you to inspire others and make them willing to work with you.

Some of your personality traits include:

* Project-oriented
* Bright and capable
* Warmly, genuinely interested in people; great people skills
* Extremely intuitive and perceptive about people
* Able to relate to people on their own level
* Service-oriented; likely to put the needs of others above your own
* Future-oriented
* Dislike performing routine tasks
* Need approval and appreciation from others
* Cooperative and friendly
* Creative and energetic
* Well-developed verbal and written communication skills
* Natural leaders, but do not like to control people
* Resist being controlled by others
* Can work logically and rationally - use your intuition to understand the goal and work backwards towards it
* Usually able to grasp difficult concepts and theories

Some of your suggested careers are:

* Consultant
* Psychologist
* Entrepreneur
* Actor
* Teacher
* Counselor
* Politician / Diplomat
* Writer / Journalist
* Television Reporter
* Computer Programmer, Systems Analyst, or Computer Specialist
* Scientist
* Engineer

Child-Like

I don't even know how it started but tonight when I brought Evan into bed he began praying. It was the cutest & sweetest thing I've seen in a while. He squeezed his eyes tightly closed, folded his hands and began his gibberish...pretty much sounded like speaking in tongues haha. I could make out his version of the word Jesus and when he was done he said "De N" (The End).

I have no idea where he learned how to pray with his eyes closed and his hands clasped. I'm the type that will just continually pray in my head, with my eyes wide open as I go through my day. Sometimes when we drive or take a walk I'll pray out loud thanking God for the day and the beauty of nature and that usually leads into praying for family and friends. But again, no closed eyes, no clasped hands... And now that I think of it most times we don't even pray as a family before we eat, which is really really weird. I grew up doing that, and so did Tim. And I really am thankful for my food (cause I loooove it) Anyways...

I'm sure he's seen it somewhere. Once he started doing it and I acknowledged it he was so excited and kept doing it. I had him go pray with daddy so he did it in the living room and then as he was walking back to his room. He then followed Caleb to the bathroom and we had a little prayer time in there haha. After I had Caleb and Evan pray for each other and then for me. And it just melted my heart. If I can teach them to believe and be passionate as much as they can understand now, I can't even imagine what they could grow up to be like.

I know people walk away from God and the church, but I honestly can understand that. The church can be hypocritical, more judgmental and less welcoming then people outside of church. And it shouldn't be that way. How is that being a follower of Jesus? I want to raise my boys to love all, accept all, and be passionate about who Jesus really is... especially in every day life.

So I hope tonight wasn't a one time thing and that I get to hear my baby's voice stumble over his words to thank Jesus for another day...

If I get that excited about it...

how much more does God get excited about hearing the ones He loves communicate to Him?

I might have posted this already...

I just wanted to delete this from my saved outbox so I'm putting it here even if it's already been put here.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”- James 1:5 [NIV]

James 1:5-8 [The Message]

If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.

I have been asking a lot for wisdom and guidance. God really is a generous God. I know not everyone had great fathers...some may not have even been good at all. But with me, I knew and know my dad loves me. He does want the best for me. I know he wants to give what he can. He has a very generous heart. So if I can think and focus on that and realize that my dad here and now loves to provide and help me and guide me as much as possible. How much more will God and can God? A Lot. I know that's a scripture too.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Matthew 7:11

I got this e-mail yesterday...I didn't forward it yet because it was a mess and I wanted to clean up the forwards and the pictures that were attatched to it. But it was good. It really made me reflect on all that God is capible of. I'll share the e-mail and then a quick story.

I claimed it for you - now claim it for me.
God has more than a thousand
Ways to provide for us, that we know nothing about.
Here is your financial blessing!

It's a simple prayer, you got 30 Seconds?

Don't sleep on this...Someone recently read this for the first time and
Received exactly enough for a $0 balance on all credit cards.

If you need a financial blessing, continue reading this e-mail.

Heavenly Father, most Gracious and Loving God,
I pray to you that you
Abundantly bless my family and me.
I know that you recognize, that a
Family is more than just a mother, father, sister,
brother, husband and
Wife, but all who believe and trust in You..

GOD, I send up a prayer request for
financial blessing for not only the
Person who sent this to me,
but for me and all that I have forwarded
This message on to.
And that the power of joined prayer by those who
Believe and trust in you is more powerful than anything.!
I thank you in
Advance for your blessings.
God, deliver the person reading this right
Now from debt and debt burdens.

Release your Godly wisdom that I may be a
good steward over all that you
Have given me GOD, for I know how
wonderful and mighty you are and how
If we just obey you and walk in your word
and have the faith of a
Mustard seed that you will pour out blessings.
I thank you now Lord for
The recent blessings I have received and for
the blessings yet to come,
Because I know you are not done with me yet.
In Jesus name Amen

TAKE 60 SECONDS and send this on quickly and within hours, you will have
Caused a multitude of people to pray to God for each other. Then sit
Back and watch the power of God work in your life for doing the thing that you know He loves. Peace and Blessings....
Have Faith

At first when I saw the $0 balance on the credit cards, I laughed inside. But then I stopped and was like "why am I laughing"? While I can't prove the source and whether that specific thing actually happened. I know God is more than able to do something like that.

I remember last year...or maybe it was the year before that?, anyway we were behind on our bills. I checked our balance in our bank account and there was a deposit that was over $1000. I didn't know where it came from. I called the bank and asked if it was a mistake and they assured me it was not and the money was staying in our account. We still don't know why that money got put into our account but it caught us up for that period of time.

I remember around the same time, someone I know has put their kids in camp. They could only afford a couple of days but the wife decided to send the kids for the whole week because they loved it so much. The same thing happened there was a deposit in their account for the exact amount of the camp. I believe that God really pulled through there.

Things I love

I went on myspace to re-read my blogs and one day I really do want to just move them over here.

It's amazing reading some of the things I wrote because some of them don't even sound like me. But I do like the fact that I can be open and honest and not think twice about what others might think if I write what I write. I know who I am. I know my failures and things that I would love to improve on. And I'm getting to grasp my strong-suits. I'm definitely a people person. I love meeting new people and building relationships. I love to encourage and listen to others. It gives me great joy. I can be adventurous when I'm not bogged down with responsibility. I love to laugh...and cook. I love making people's bellies and mouths happy! haha I do like to write and vent and see the words that I'm thinking and feeling in front of me and I like reflecting on where I've been, where I am and where I could be going. I love my family. I think they're funny and each one of my boys have their own unique personality. As stressful and tiring things get, my love for them won't change. I love looking at the branches of a tree and the leaves move and fall in the wind. I love the sound of birds and crickets. And biking through the neighborhood admiring beautiful landscaping with bright and colorful flowers and trees. I love nature. I really do see God in that. It's amazing.

And speaking of color...I'm painting my kitchen tonight! Yay!! I'm very very excited!

That's it for now.

The "Gift" of Burden-Bearing

Really? a gift?

I'm working on fully understanding that and everything it comes with...

God help me.

A Note of Thanks

I'm feeling pretty thankful...

feeling or expressing gratitude; appreciative

warmly or deeply appreciative of kindness or benefits received; thankful

gratitude; thankful recognition

Thank You God, for everything You Are, everything You've done, what You're doing now and what You'll do in the future.

I Love You.

Desires of my Heart

Psalm 37:4 (New International Version)

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Do what the LORD wants, and he will give you your heart's desire.

Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.

delight: To take great pleasure or joy

desire: A wish or longing, A request or petition.

longing: A strong persistent yearning or desire, especially one that cannot be fulfilled

yearning: A strong wanting of what promises enjoyment or pleasure

petition: A solemn supplication or request to a superior authority

supplication: An earnest or urgent request, The act of praying

earnest: With a purposeful or sincere intent, Serious; determined

sincere: Not feigned or affected; genuine:

feigned: Made-up

I've been praying for God to make a way so that me and Tim can take the trip to NH and MA that we planned months ago. $$ is looking like it's not there right now. I know God is more then able to do whatever he wants. He can provide and do miracles. We've been on the receiving end of that so many times. He is a loving and providing Father. But lately I'm feeling guilty for praying for something so "shallow". I know there's more 'important' things to pray for: like my family (immediate and extended) - praying for the youth, praying to break bondage and strong-holds, pray against the religious spirit, pray for freedom, and overall just God's will for my life and those around me. And I just find myself praying for God to make a way to go to NH and MA first? I keep thinking of the scripture I listed above. and I know that's true. But I don't want to twist it to apply it to my life so I feel like God should answer my prayers in this area. I know there are things that He answers "No" to. And I do understand that, even if there's major disappointment.

So God, There's 2 more weeks for my prayer to be answered. And I'm gonna keep asking and asking and asking. And I know you Love me no matter what the outcome is. Please give me wisdom and give me the ears to hear your voice. I love you.

Something to look back on

I was telling someone my love story...and this is something I never ever thought of.

"do u ever feel like this was supposed to happen...and not like that it happened as a result of your disobedience. if you know what i mean? That sometimes God's plan is for us to make "mistakes" perseNot that he wants me to fail but that he knows my failures will make me an instrument for him."

it really gets me thinking about how big God is and how much He really knows me, inside and out.

Spirit Led

Ephesians 3:20-21 (New International Version)

²⁰Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

We just talked about the Kingdom of Heaven last night and how when it's here on Earth, God's power can do so much! Now whenever I see a peach, I will think about how I don't just want to look at it and know what it is and the potential. I do want to be able to bite into it. Experience the fullness of it. I want to plant the pit and spread more 'peach trees' to bare more fruit. It was a great analogy and it really got me excited and opened up my mind. I know there's so much more out there. I know God is capable and able to do some awesome things.

Someone there added that when God uses you to do awesome things - you really experience God's power and might and just His awesomeness. They said we all know our weaknesses and how we're not worthy. And how it's different when you see others praying for someone and them getting healed or blessed because you can begin to think that they have it all together.

I know I definitely don't have it all together, but I know God can and will use me if I just ask Him to and be open to the move of His Spirit.

I kept hearing the song "Wait on the Lord"...

♫ "Wait on the Lord Oh my Soul, Wait on the Lord Oh my soul, Wait on the Lord oh my soul, Be Strong and Take Heart, Be Strong and Wait Upon the Lord...He is beautiful and good, he's the lover of all men, he has rescued us before, He will resuce us again, He is faithful and true, He is loving and just. Surely He will deliver* us. ♫ (*set free, emancipate, release, liberate, release, relief from a thing, riddance of it)

♫ I will wait on You, I will wait on You...I'm gonna wait. ♫

I want to be Spirit led in every day life. I want to see where God wants me to go, what he wants me to do. It goes hand in hand on what I'm learning on Tuesday and "The Art of Hearing God" I want to hear Him more. So I have to wait and practice. And I know if I do, things will chance...and I'll be liberated.

God, Help me. 

Pebble in a Lake

I thought this was so interesting... 

I found it on Jason Mraz's Myspace Blog and he made this note:

"Do you think the people on the outside of the dance mass have any idea that there is a jaunty little fellow in the middle who inspired it all? Drop a pebble in a lake and eventually the ripples go beyond what you’re capable of seeing. If you can touch, move, or inspire just one person in your lifetime, it will have a powerful impact on the world. 

Live knowing that your extraordinary actions will still be resonating across that lake for 7 generations and then some. "

Even though it's kind of weird to watch, and Jason isn't some "philosopher" , it still made me think about my own life and affecting those around me by just living life. 

I want to be free and not care what people are thinking or saying about me. I want to impact those around me - bring freedom to their life as well as mine. (of course, I alone can't do that...But with God I can) But I know you can affect one person at a time. 

I really just like watching that and thinking about the words that Jason Mraz wrote. I think I'm going to think about it some more...

and end with the only part of the lyrics I liked of that song... "I got to be Unstoppable"

Result: Philosopher.

I always take those Facebook surveys just to see if there's anything in the result that I can relate to. I took the "Who are you...really" one and I thought the result was pretty right on:

"You constantly analyze the deeper meaning of all that occurs in your life. You are on a never-ending journey to find your purpose in life. You are able to see through the surface of situations and the facades that people often carry. You are observant and non-judgmental. Your creative and thoughtful mind enhances your chosen and natural talents. You feel deeply and passionately about everything that you do. Your life is about the pursuit of knowledge, understanding, and answers. You have a great depth to your heart and mind that some may find intimidating and others will be drawn to."

Just like this blog is titled and what I say ALLLLL the time "I'm a work in progress" ---> my never-ending journey to not just find my purpose but to reach the FULLNESS of my destiny. I try to be as real as possible and I like when other's are real to me. I really do try to be as non-judgmental as possible because I've been through a lot and I know we're all messed up in one way or another (as negative as that sounds) We're saved by grace...not by being good and "holy". I definitely feel deeply and that's part of why I can't handle things at times. I am passionate : ) About Tim, my boys, my church family, the youth, my friends, my large extended family. And I definitely would love to gain wisdom and understanding because I know if I do, then everything else comes with it (like Solomon) 

I'm pleased overall with these results : )

Be Still...

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”- Psalm 46:10

That's a reallllly hard thing for me to do. My mind is always going. I'm easily distracted with what I "should be" or "want to be" doing. Of course once I actually get through all that, it's actually my favorite place to be. 

So I think tonight after hopefully talking to Sharayah through Skype, I'll do some Art of Hearing God HW and then just be still and know that He is God haha. 

I have a lot going on - good and bad. But I've been focusing and trusting God and what a different feeling that is! I like it a lot. 

Thank You God for providing throughout the years and even now, I know that you have everything under control. Help me to keep trusting in Your provision and help. Thank You so much for this new season. Help me to grow more in this next year. I thank you for our church, I thank you for restoration and new friends. I thank you for my amazing family. Thank you for a home we can call our own. Thank you that we can put our trust in You and you never break that trust. I Love You. 

It's Worth It - Looking Back & Ahead

As I was on the phone with the hospital trying to figure out a payment plan to pay off the $4000 of new medical bills from Caleb's surgery, the blog I posted below came to mind. (I wrote it on myspace last year) I thought about the van and made a mental note that we haven't had any problems with it lately... WELL! ha! ...Tim called me on his way home asking to look up our warranty information for the $4000 (maybe even more now that's I'm thinking) transmission we had worked on Oct 2007. I couldn't find the paper so I called up Lee Myles to look up the information and we are just 1000 over the miles. That's like 2.5 weeks of driving for us! Man! So our warranty is VOID : ( The worst part about this is the fact that all this happened on Tim's birthday. I felt horrible. There was nothing I could do, but pray for him and the situation. I kept thinking about the blog after the fact and I have a feeling that it didn't just randomly pop into my head. I think it was to prepare my heart and attitude for what we were about to go through. What a day! So I'm trusting God will pull through, like He ALWAYS does! And I'm just keeping that communication with Him open.  And Hey, Thanks for giving me a heads up, up there haha. 


April 3, 2008 - Thursday 
It’s Worth It
Current mood:  hopeful 
Category: Life
I just wanted to say hi to the people that actually read my blogs. 

Right now, I’m feeling ok - nothing great nothing too horrible...

There’s always going to be things that go wrong
Cars need repairs, Medical Bills need payments
There’s always going to be people that hurt us
offend us, reject us, betray us

But if you focus on the good things of the day, thing’s don’t seem so bad
There’s always ups and downs in life - I should know. 
Whenever there seems to be no hope
It’s always just around the corner
So because of past experiences I know to just keep looking forward, looking up

Because my car will get fixed, my bills will get paid (sooner or later)
There is forgiveness and restoration for people
And that’s a lot to look forward to. 

So even when it feels like there’s nothing to look forward to
And it seems like there’s no way out 
Just think about the things you’re going through
And even if it’s hard where you’re at - 
It’s just a matter of time until you’re on the other side of things

You can look back and think "That was a rough time but it’s done"
And I know it makes us stronger and wiser
I’ve definitely learned lessons over time - And I’m still learning

If I can just think about the things I’m going through now and know
"I can give hope/encouragement to people that are going through similar situations"
When I’m on the other side - It’ll be worth it...

It’s Worth It

The Bubbles!

I totally forgot to write about this. But it's something I will never forget. 

This past Sunday, in the middle of worship I began seeing the little kids in the front start blowing bubbles. My first reaction was "oh no, where did Caleb get that from, it's distracting, I'm going to get in trouble, I need to go back to the back" but when I turned around I saw that other people had them...and who was passing them out? Tom and Nadine. When Tom handled me my own I began to cry (to myself and not long) 

It broke something in me. It's OK to have fun during worship? Yea!!! It's ok to have freedom to laugh and smile? Yea! It's ok that the kids are having fun running and popping bubbles? Yea! It's ok to change things up Sunday mornings? Yea!! It's ok not to be so serious and stressed out during worship? Yes yes yes! 

That helped me so much, I feel much free-er. Even when Caleb started running down the hall without his underwear, I didn't get embarrassed. Of course I don't want him doing that. And granted I wasn't right there to handle it, Tim was. But still - My boys are definitely wild at heart. I don't have it all together. Never will. But I can continue to move towards freedom and love. And that will rub off on them in a positive way. Hey wasn't David undignified? 

I'll have to keep that in mind for next time. Maybe I'll have the same attitude haha. 

Freeeeeeeeeeedom!!! (and Fun & Love!)

It's a great thing!

Gentleness

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”- Proverbs 15:1

Gentleness
1. Considerate or kindly in disposition; amiable and tender.
2. Not harsh or severe; mild and soft: (a gentle scolding; a gentle tapping at the window.)
3. Easily managed or handled; docile: (a gentle horse)

Yesterday I was thinking on how I communicate with my kids. I'm constantly yelling at them. I realized that if I spoke the way I spoke to them to someone else (Husband, Mom, Siblings, Friends...etc.) I would feel HORRIBLE. So why is it ok to speak to my kids that way? 

It's not. I was reading the fruits of the spirit last night and Gentleness is one I ALWAYS forget. I know I have it deep down inside me. I really don't want to hurt anyone and I want to be tender and considerate. 

And I'm realizing after I looked up the definition of gentleness that it said easily managed...If I'm easily managed towards God then I will bloom in all my fruits of the spirit - especially gentleness. I started taking the Art of Hearing God last night. FINALLLLLLYYY!!!! : ) 

I'm looking forward to learning and growing as much as possible. I know it's not an 'easy' class. But it's definitely worth going through. And I love my teachers and classmates - that makes it even better!

Telling others about God's grace

Today's verse of the day:

“However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.”- Acts 20:24

²⁴But I don't care what happens to me, as long as I finish the work that the Lord Jesus gave me to do. And that work is to tell the good news about God's great kindness.

²⁴ But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus—the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God.

God really has done so much for me personally and also between me and Tim and the family we have. We have so much to be thankful to God about. God's grace has never run out and I know it never will. We don't deserve anything - but yet He still loves us and wants to bless us. 

Reconciliation

Tonight I went to Phil and Patti's celebration for having their own church building. I definitely feel more freedom now. As I walked up the stairs of the old fire station building and began to see familiar faces, I was just so happy. I felt like we picked up right where we left off. There's definitely been a lot we missed out between the years on both sides but it doesn't have to be that way anymore. 

I didn't feel like crying there, but as I sit at home, I just feel such a mix of joy and sorrow. It was great to see them where they're supposed to be. Leading, worshiping, encouraging. On the other hand, all that time of no contact, and hurts and everything - it's not even fun to think about. I really know that everyone is full of pain and if they don't deal with it appropriately it can be very bad not to just them, but to those around them. 

I know for myself, the hurts and pain from my past whether it be father issues, shame, the self-hatred...it all stems from somewhere. And if I ignore it, it will come out in other areas of my life until I face up to it and let God do the work in me. I know I can't do it on my own - been there done that (but I know that I still keep trying) Will I learn? I don't know. I hope so. 

I want to be as healthy as possible - functioning in love and compassion, grace and understanding. It's "a work in progress".

 

I noticed there were more people around my age and I definitely would love to get to know them all. I'm pretty sure they have meetings on Wednesday nights. And now that kinships will be closed for the Summer maybe I can finally go. It is only like 3-4 mins away : )

I love worshiping with other people and other places. I will always love "The Bridge - Long Island" and know that's where I'm meant to be for now. But I know we won't be there forever. Who knows if we may not even be in NY some day. Only God. I'm so happy with what God is doing in my life and with the church. I'm excited with the new direction and the weight I've been carrying for so long. 

I pray that there would be full reconciliation on every end. That all the hurts and pain over the years would be healed and that there would be forgiveness and new beginnings. Thank you for dying for us Jesus - for alllllll of us! Protect this new season. Guard our hearts from bitterness and judgement. I pray that we all would be able to move into the new season that God is bringing us into. Jesus, I just love you so much and I thank you for everything in my life. You have blessed me more then I could ever ever ever express! Thank You! You are an awesome God. Keep working in me. I want to walk out the fullness of my destiny. I want to complete the work you're doing in me. I know it's been hard and there will be  more hard times but I ask that you would give me the grace to lean completely on You. You are the only one that can fully help me. I love you. Bless this season. I love you Lord!

“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.”- Romans 12:10

Hope

Last night I went to see Tom and was able to open up about my hurts, anger, frustration, disappointment, hope, love, family. Overall it was really good. Time flew so fast. I'm not gonna go into detail everything we talked about but one of my favorite pictures (cause I'm a visual learner) is that I'm holding onto a dead battery and it was time to put that down and pick up a new battery. The old battery had life when I first picked it up but now it's done. And the new battery I pick up won't feel so heavy because of the life in it. So I'm excited. I've been so done with teaching the 4 year old and younger group. I've tried to quit on different occasions and was never released to do so. I still have to talk to Laurie which makes me nervous, even though she's really nice. I don't like to disappoint anyone, or put extra pressure on them. 

I'm really excited about all the changes going on at church. Tim was listening to this past weeks CD and even though some of the music levels weren't CD quality, he said it felt like it was a conference, not a Sunday morning. Things are looking good! I'm excited about painting the youth room. I'm so happy that I've gotten so much support on people wanting to help out with the bake sale. I'm excited to take the 101 that I've been wanting to take for soooooo long! "The Art of Hearing God" I like that. Everything that's happening is great. There's more freedom in so many different aspects. I love how every Sunday is not like the last. Going where God is. Not putting Him in a box. 

I definitely still have hurts to work through but I know with God and the support of my family and friends I'll get to the other side of that. 

I feel so much better knowing that I can talk to Jay, The Urenas or T without guilt or being scared. It still feels very weird. It's been a long time. 

For so long I've felt like I'm always doing something wrong, and not doing enough and I still go through days where that's overwhelming, but I think I'm going to even get through that! 

It's a great feeling. Hope. 

174 results from the word hope in the NIV

Here's just one - 

Psalm 31:24
Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.

I had to look up take heart: "gain courage"

So that is my prayer today. That I will keep my hope in God and by doing so, I will gain strength and courage. 

I love new beginnings and fresh hope. 

It's feeling good. 

Continue...

“God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.”- Hebrews 6:10

Perfect timing as usual. This definitely encourages me to persevere no matter what I'm feeling. I know I'm not supposed to be run by my emotions and I'm been finding that incredible difficult lately. God is so good. Every where I look, He's there in the midst. I needed to read this today and focus on the truth and not the hopelessness I feel. 

Digging myself deeper

I'm am SO frustrated with myself. I look back at the goal I made last month. And instead of losing 6 pounds I GAINED 10 - no exaggeration. I can't even handle what I feel like right now. I feel defeated. I feel so sick of the self-destruction I put myself through. I'm digging myself deeper. I just want to run away and separate myself from everyone around me. I feel totally out of control and I can't handle the emotions I'm feeling. It is so overwhelming! I really feel like I'm going to snap and do something totally stupid because of the self-hatred I feel. What the heck. I have so many questions running through my head. I know my weight is not 'who i am' but I feel like I cannot function knowing that I'm a complete mess inside and it's showing on the outside. I KNOW I will NEVER have it all together and I'm not asking for that. I don't want to be super skinny. I just want to deal with life in a healthy way. This is not good. I keep making goals and not following through. I freaking feel like an addict for real but I cannot get away. It is EVERYWHERE. I need help. I need hellllllllllp. I can't take this anymore. The heaviness I feel is not just externally. Internally I feel so bad, and I can't get rid of it. 

I just keep thinking about Tim. He doesn't deserve a wife like me. He works so hard and has come so far. And I feel like I'm just going backwards. 

I'm so done. Is this rock bottom already!?!?! God! Help me please! I cannot do this anymore. I just can't. 

Goals and Checklists

So I haven't made ANY progress nor have I tried in the 'weight' department. 

However, the past few days I've been printing out a daily checklist broken up in increments of 15 mins and so far...it's been helping me get things done around here. 

When I focus on one thing I tend to neglect other things. I definitely need balance in my life. 

I'm working on it though. Taking one day at a time. 

I want to continue to grow closer and more intimate with God. I want to hear Him and walk out His will for my life. (even the little things) 

I want to continue to be the most supportive wife I can be. 

I want to continue to be the most loving mom I can be. 

I want to get the surface things in order but I want the deeper stuff just as much and I need to re-focus a bit. 

I know when I get my priorities straight, everything runs a lot smoother - not perfect - just better. 

It's another one of those "I know what I need to do and how to do it.... I just have to do it!"

But here is what I accomplished today...

Yay!!!!

Starting Over and Setting Goals

Measurements

Bust: 37
Waist: 34
Stomach: 42
Butt: 43
Thighs: 25
Arms: 12.5
Calves: 14.5

Weight: 160

First Goal: 6 pounds and 1 inch (stomach area) by Mother's Day 5/10/09

154, here we come!

Mini Goals: 

Stop Eating after 7:00 pm

Start buying better food for the house

Work out at LEAST 3 times a week

My attitude is Uhhhghh . . . . . . . . . uhhhhh, oooooooo k......

When it should be YEAH!! Let's Go!! Woo HOOO!!!

Here we go again...