But the past few weeks I've been reminded of what I experienced as a child and the shame and anger that comes with it. I pray and ask help to forgive... and for healing so I'm doing that once again and hopefully full healing and restoration will follow.
As far back as I remember, sexuality was a part of my life. I remember being in a pre-school class and sitting in the back next to a boy and having our hands down each other's pants. I don't ever remember the teacher telling us not to do it or anyone even noticing. Around the same time I remember hiding in the closet with a boy. I don't know what we were doing in there because it's kind of foggy but I know it was part of the 'curiosity' of discovery. From there things got deeper and darker...
When I lived in England, we lived on base and it felt safe. I remember going to the park all the time and having fun with my friends because it was so close. It was enclosed and I felt like nobody could hurt me. There was no looking over my shoulder. I would also walk dogs by myself for the neighbors in exchange for candy or money and I felt so big even though I was only 6 or 7. Joshua is 7 and things are so much different...or is it really not so different after all.
One of the times I went for a walk with my friend, I remember coming across some pretty graphic porn magazines near the park. Even though I was young I can still remember it.
Shortly after that, not even a year later I don't think, I went to another friend's house and she showed me her mom's vibrator told me all about it. That was around the time I walked in on my friend's dad in the bathroom and seeing everything. I was so embarrassed.
I ask myself "Why?!?" all the time. Why was I exposed to this stuff at such a young age? I really don't feel like it is normal. I'm angry about it and still feel unprotected.
My mom told me that when I was about 3 or 4, our nanny's friend's 15-16 year old niece or someone was always around. She said one day I told her that the girl kissed me. When my mom asked "how", I replied "wrong".
Around the same time as finding the magazines I had a close friend and neighbor who was 2 years older then me. We had so much fun and did everything together. Little did I know that she was being touched by someone. She began to experiment with me and vice versa. Looking back I can't even believe what I've been through at such a young age. Even re-reading this, makes me feel so dirty and messed up.
Our parents were great friends and caught us after a few times. I remember crying, mostly because we weren't allowed to hang out for a while. At the beginning I don't even think I realized how wrong it was. Looking back I see it perfectly clear. Being exposed was the beginning of me really feeling ashamed. I don't blame my neighbor for what happened. I don't blame my parents either. This stuff happens all the time, no matter how much you try and protect and watch. You can't be there every second of the day. And if you try it'll just make you crazy. I want the generational stuff to STOP with my children.
I was watching the live broadcast of www.ihop.org for the last few days on and off.
There were so many stories of people who were sexually abused, and from there began the self-hatred. I really feel these situations I went through were the beginning of my self-hatred.
The people telling their stories said that God was able to heal them in moments that years of therapy would have taken.
So I'm asking you God, to take this shame of my past from me. Help me to really really really know that all this was not my fault and I didn't cause this to happen. Please help me to forgive all the people who took advantage of my innocence and made me grow up way too fast. Break off all the twisted thinking and lust that is rooted in the past. I pray that you would heal me and restore me. And I pray for those who have had similar (and worse) pasts that you would begin healing and restoring them. Break off the self-hatred, and the self-destructive behaviors. Help us to see ourselves as pure in your eyes. Our past experiences are NOT who we are. Help me to really really believe it.
Heal me in moments that years of therapy would take.
I love You.
3 comments:
Candice, you are so beautiful.
This is a comment from Georgian Banov today, "Good morning, beloved. I hope you're getting your share of Daddy's kisses today." God sees you clean, pure, holy and blameless because of Jesus. You are courageous and cute at the same time. As you release the pain inside, it makes room for the love of God to come in and heal and restore your soul.
Keep asking, and you will receive.
I love you. John Sandford stuff is available whenever you're ready.
=). No more curses, only blessings from generation to generation.
You know what? God CAN heal you in a moment, and if not that - He can do it in moments. Sometimes putting it out there is half of the solution!
It wasn't fair. And although maybe you didn't always make the right choices you don't have to live with that shame b/c there's forgiveness. Jesus was stripped and hung on a cross naked so that we wouldn't have to live with shame any longer.
I believe God was there protecting you from something worse even in your dark times. Let Him shine his light on it all, ask His viewpoint on it - soak in that truth and it'll do a world of good.
Love you, girl.
Candice, thank you for your honesty. Yes there are things that happen out of our control, abuse of all kinds. The only hope we have is for Jesus to rescue us and use it all for his good, to save another, to comfort another going through the same thing. If not I'd rather die. I do believe God will use every ounce of pain and abuse you went through to give hope to people. To help them through their shame and hopelessness. Thanks again for being so open..
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