Waves

I've been having waves of emotions lately. And it's not even an every other day thing. I can be praying and trusting and hopeful and within 5 minutes I'm angry and upset and frustrated.

I was just talking to my mom on the phone and something that has been in me came out. And hearing it out loud was horrible and upsetting. She didn't judge me and I'm thankful for that. She knows that it's just my process and I'm human. So now I'm sure that most of you reading are wondering what I said...

Well basically it came down to not understanding how with everything we've been through - although we've made mistakes I don't understand why we're not doing better then others around us. (financially) because we've been trying to make good choices and move forward with our journey with God. Although it's not fully the same thing, it reminded me of the story of the prodigal son. I felt like that religious brother getting angry at the brother who messed up and still gets lavished with love and feasting, while I was faithful** with what was put in front of me. I don't want to be that brother at all -

I put the ** next to faithful because in reality - I messed up every single day for as long as I can remember. I will never have it all right, no matter how hard I try. It's the way it is and the way it always will be.

But the reason for it, is to show God's love and mercy. I'm a mess, full of angry and bitterness, and sin. But He still loves me, He still chose me, He still prays for me, He still holds me, He still is EVERYTHING I fall short of - which is everything haha.

God, Please forgive me for holding this anger in my heart towards You, towards people that I know. I'm really sorry for doing that. I don't want to live and be like this. I want to bless and love people just as You do every single day.

I do pray for the provision we need. You are faithful, always have been and always will be.

We need Your help. Help us to learn and grow right where we're at. Provide the income/provision we need to live and be fed. And I ask that you would multiply that so we can help others the way You and others have helped us.

I thank You that you don't give up on me, you don't roll your eyes or are shocked when I do stupid things. I thank you that you don't try and change me, that you're patient and loving.

(again everything I do at times to others, you don't)

I thank You that you'll always be there for me no matter where I've been, what I've done or said. And I thank You that You created me and washed me completely clean the day you died on the cross. You see me as perfect - help me to stop striving and to just live under the love You have for me.