I was watching a show a few weeks ago and a line caught my attention "Trust is difficult without proof." (-Victoria from Revenge haha) I was thinking about how much I felt like I agreed and related to that view...and what made me feel not so great about it was that she is one of the 'bad guys'.
As I sat there I also started thinking about 'faith' & what I know to be true: " Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I know the first quote is just from a TV show butthe way trust was spoken about seemed like the complete opposite of what faith is - But I really feel like those two words/actions are not as opposite as I felt in that moment. These thoughts stayed in the back of my mind for weeks until now...as I sit here at one o'clock in the morning when I really would love to be sleeping but just couldn't get my mind to stop and rest. So i looked each word up and just as I thought, the words are connected:
Faith is COMPLETE Trust of confidence in someone or something. &Trust is the belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective - or an assured reliance on the charter, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.
As I read those definitions I realized that I am a long way off from my healing process. I thought maybe by sitting here, I would have an 'a-ha' moment and I would start trusting everyone around me and everything would be sunshine and wild flowers and I'd be running through the field with my arms open wide, head back soaking in the sun, laughing and spinning in freedom. hahahaha Instead I'm sitting in my dark bedroom with the glare of the computer screen being my only source of light as I look at a whole bunch of words and jumbled thoughts that I'm still trying to piece together, trying to make sense of it all and figure out how to move forward and get to that free place in my head that I pictured just before.
Opening yourself up when you've been hurt over and over again feels near impossible. I know I've learned things over the years & I know I've grown - But I'm at a place right now where I feel kind of stuck. I have my feet glued to what feels like thick black sticky tar and I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to move forward and get unstuck. I feel like the ability to trust those around me would be the thing that will help me move forward in the direction I want to go.
Instead I hear "faith, hope and love"
1 Corinthians 13:13 (MSG) Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
It makes no sense to want to open up to people around me (& I feel rightfully so) when in my head I know that there's going to be plenty more pain to come. Is the wise thing to move forward with caution? Open up slowly? Right now, yes I think it is for me. In the show, you're beginning to see why Victoria is the way she is, and the situations and painful life events that formed her into who she is now. **
Romans 10:17 The Message (MSG)14-17 But how can people call for help if they don’t know who to trust? And how can they know who to trust if they haven’t heard of the One who can be trusted? And how can they hear if nobody tells them? And how is anyone going to tell them, unless someone is sent to do it? That’s why Scripture exclaims,A sight to take your breath away!Grand processions of people telling all the good things of God!But not everybody is ready for this, ready to see and hear and act. Isaiah asked what we all ask at one time or another: “Does anyone care, God? Is anyone listening and believing a word of it?” The point is: Before you trust, you have to listen. But unless Christ’s Word is preached, there’s nothing to listen to.
Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
1 Corinthians 13:7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
**I never finished this or posted this all for some reason but I could still completely relate as I re-read it so I will add this & then post: Let this be a wake up call for me to keep moving forward even when I know that life is messy and pain is part of the process of loving and being loved. Help me to put my faith, my COMPLETE trust in You God, that you have my back and will never hurt me. Lead me to the places You want me to go, lead me to the people and relationships that will be life giving for all involved and even when things get messy, Help me to put my faith/complete trust that You will be there every step of the way to mend the brokenness, pour out mercy & bring redemption. I love you Jesus.
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