Unpacking the Songs Within

In high school I would sit in my bedroom and just write and write and write. I would jot down some poems or lyrics to a tune I made up in my head. Granted these were the years of feeling deeply, getting hurt, feeling sad and alone but it came so effortlessly.

After I got pregnant at 16 the shame that I felt about myself made it hard to do a lot of things that I had no problem doing before. Writing poems and music was one of them (along with singing)

It's like I packed everything I once felt free doing in a box and taped it up.

Giving into and feeding: Shame + Fear + Insecurity = Nothing Good!

It was really rough. I lost a sense of who I was and gave up on things that I was once good at. There were times I literally looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself.

Fast forward 8-9 years and here I am about to post a song I wrote one night after the youth group came to our house. I was just playing and singing some random things and this is what stuck.

When I first posted this on youtube a few months ago I felt all those same feelings that I dealt with majorly rise up. But I clicked "post" and there was no going back. It was freeing and I hope to do a lot more of that! It's simple but it's a good place to start!

So much more

I've been thinking a lot lately. About life, where I'm at, what I'm doing, why I'm doing things, what's next?, how do I get there? It kinda just spins around in my head and everything isn't clear. I actually just tried to break those things down right here but I erased it because I just kept thinking of the bigger picture.

Let me get straight to it. I'm to the point where I just want to scream. I know there's SO MUCH MORE and I don't fully know how to get there. I am completely thankful that I'm married to an amazing man who loves and takes care of me, have 3 wild and crazy beautiful boys who never make life boring, we own the only house on a dead end street, we have two cars, all that's missing is the white picket fence and the dog haha. Our life isn't extravagant but we have everything we need and SO MUCH MORE. So why do I say there's so much more?

Because there is. I'm not striving for a bigger house, cooler cars, huge savings account and what not. Of course I would love to have those things and totally wouldn't turn it down if we get there haha. But in the end I just want to get to know God as much as I can in the time that I have. I want to have crazy awe-some experiences. I want to learn to hear Him even when I'm not listening. I want to see things the way He sees them. I want to express my love freely to him and receive freely. I want to cut through all the organized religion and meetings and really know where I should be on a Monday morning, Thursday afternoon, Sunday evening. I want to build up my husband and pour into my kids because I know as a unit we can really make an impact on those that are around us. I want to Love and Love and Love and Love and LOVE. & I want to be loved.

Ugh and I feel so frustrated and stuck. There's so many really good things that I'm doing with my life & SO MUCH MORE I can work on.

I want You Jesus.

I'm annoyed with all the lingo and hype that can come with "christianity"

I want You Jesus.

You are everything and SO MUCH MORE

Wings: Prophetic Word 1/2/11

Tim & Candice, in the back - I just see wings sprouting on both sides of you guys, as you sit together it's like you're one. There's absolutely a oneness in your marriage and there's a wing on Tim's left shoulder and a wing on Candice's right shoulder. I think you're gonna fly in this next season. I don't know fully what that means but you're gonna take to flight. I think for a season it's been...you know what it's like to have dust on your feet but in this next season you're gonna know what it's like to have wind beneath your wings. There's a real change coming in how you operate. So Lord just bless them with that. Let the wind of the spirit blow and take them higher. It's easier to fly and you can gain much greater distance in flight then you ever can walking on the ground and so I think that's the change that's coming. Less dust on your feet and a lot more wind beneath your wings. Do that for them Lord. Thank You Lord.

This made me think of this song:

I close my eyes
Everything disappears but Your smile
I raise my hands
On a cliff I stand
Arms open wide
You’re the Father, I’m the child
You whisper to me,
“Step off the edge
Leave it all behind, leave it all behind
Cut loose, cut loose the ties
Let go, let go!”

For way too long I’ve settled for these lies
When so much more has been waiting on the other side
I think it’s time we cross this river so wide
Leave these shores, step off the edge
Leave it all behind, leave it all behind
Cut loose, cut loose the ties
Let go, let go!

Fly! Fly! You can fly!
Leave the ground, leave the ground
Go and fly!
This is what you, you were meant to fly!
Through the wind in the trees
Through the wind, through the wind in the trees
Through the wind, through the wind in the trees
Oh, the leaves are dancing
Oh, the leaves are dancing
Healing, healing, healing
Healing power is coming down
Healing power is coming down
Healing sound, the healing sound is coming down

It’s just me and You
It’s just me and You, Papa
It’s just me and You in this place,
It’s just me and You and Your face
I can’t hear any other voices but Yours, but Yours
It’s just me and You, God
It’s just me and You, God
What I once was, what I once was
I’ll never be again
I’m becoming the dream, the dream of God
Eden, the garden is right here, right now
All I can see is You smiling, smiling over me, oh God

Love
It’s beautiful

Ten Events in Twenty-Ten [10 in 2010]

For some reason this past year is harder to break down for my reflection.

I know a lot of good and bad happened this year (like every other year)

For the most part I know that for my immediate family, personally, it was pretty chill/stable compared to the last few years.

However some of the people that I'm closest to had quite eventful years which overflowed into my own life and those are the majority of this years events.

I will start with my own family first:

1. Time with Popsi

While my dad was in between jobs, he was able to take me and the boys on quite a few road trips this past year. We visited lots of different states and were able to see some extended family members along the way. Jan 7th-17th was our long Road Trip to TX, FL & NC. The boys were so happy and I'm so thankful they had the opportunity to do so. I'm not sure if we'll ever get that chance again. They did amazing for such a long journey. [big props to DVD players, PS2 and DS!!] The cherry on the cake was having Tim fly down at the end and finish the week at a resort and getting to go to Disney World. It was the first time for him and all my boys. It really was magical (corny I know) One of the last weeks of Summer we visited the Schwarz Family in NH and The Adipietro Family in MA. Those are some of mine (and the kiddies) favorite families and it's really really great to be able to visit even though they don't live in NY anymore. We had a great time as usual - even though I had just recovered from the shingles...

that's a whole other topic that I may as well go into.....NOW...

2. Leading Worship

Ok so the shingles is the bad part of some major stepping out on my part. The weekend that I lead worship for the very first time (and planned Evan's 3rd birthday party) was right before I broke out. Even though it wasn't clinically proven that it was caused by it, I'm almost certain that I got it from the stress of it all. Besides planning a birthday party - the setting up, food prep, decor, cost, etc. which can be stressful on its own - I told my mom I would fill in for her leading because there was a possibility that she was going to be away for work. It was my first time leading, singing and playing guitar in front of that many people. My nerves were so shaky but thankfully I got through it! I really do love to sing and play guitar but in the comfort of my own room and just in front of my kids. I was even timid around Tim. This was all thanks to Tom for setting the stepping stones without realizing it. We had a period of time for people to sign up for bringing food, sharing a life lesson or leading worship. All the other sign up sheets were getting filled up but Tom was the only name on the worship leading sheet so I wrote my name down. That was really really scary too. Ahhh! - I know I have so much to work on and learn but I'm so proud of myself for taking risks and stepping out. I totally didn't ask to be in the position I am some Sunday mornings and honestly the majority of the times I really don't want to be up there. [I'm sure it shows too haha] I like my room and nobody around. Hopefully I can really be myself in worship even when people are around...

3. Tim takes a break from leading worship

This has been bittersweet.

The bitter part? I love when Tim lead worship. I remember the great times we had. I loved feeling God in the midst of it all. I just love Tim and I know he was created to worship. He just is a worshipper.

The sweet? He actually wants to play music at home again. He comes alive because there's no pressure attached. AND He's home on Saturdays!!! This was the first year in a long long time that he has been home on the weekends and it's been so so nice. The kids love it. I love it! Even though each job before being the "worship leader/over seerer" was also part time on the weekend they still took a nice chunk out of the Saturday.

He's still technically still on a worship team, he just doesn't have all the responsibility that comes with it. It really is a lot harder & stressful at times then it may look.

4. 2nd Car! - VW Passat

I'll make this short and sweet. Yay for not being stranded at home all day long!! Woot Woot!

7 years of mother and wifehood... ughh... It was about time!!!

5. Mom in and out of the hospital -

Boo this. I hated this part of the year. My mom had a couple of surgeries and it made my heart hurt to see her so scared and sad. I know that she's still dealing with all the emotions and stresses of life and health and I so wish I could make everything better and easier for her :( I wish I had answers to all the "whys" Err I can't even keep writing about it because it makes me too sad - which I know I still definitely need to process all the way because even though I'm not actually seeing doctors and being in and out of the hospital I can still carry the stress and burden that I wasn't made to carry. God, handle this one because there's nothing I can do and she needs comfort. I love my mom so much.

6. Swade McNutt

This one was back and forth bittersweet until finally the end of the year.

My sister said she was going to come home from Texas and then she changed her mind (I wanted her to do what she felt like she needed to do even though I would miss her) and then changed it again.

I got to see when she visited NY 2x before she finally moved HOME in Sept. & I'm so very thankful she did. And I got a new brother-in-law tooooo!! Welcome to the Family Mr. Wade McNutt. It was an honor helping plan a beautiful wedding in a very short amount of time for you guys. It was definitely something I didn't see coming but as I look back I should've known. (11/11)

7. Youth back at our house

After taking a break for a little while we started having youth once a month in our home again. Tim and I love having them over. It's been great being able to hang out and cultivate relationships with each other while setting aside time to meet with God. I love learning and taking risks together. They're such an awesome group of people. I love them!

And I hope 2011 is filled with many unforgettable times and that we will experience God in ways we never have before. Mmmhmm!

8. Babies

Last year everyone was pregnant and this year I got to see, hold and smell (haha babies smell ridiculously good!) them all! I absolutely love my new nephews, niece, cousins and god-daughter. It definitely gave me the itch to want to have another one so me and Tim tried to get better insurance (because that is part of the reason why we're holding off right now) And after long waits, lots and lots of paper work and phone calls we hit a Dead End. No babies for us this year. I don't know what's going to happen in the future because as Evan gets older and I'm able to enjoy taking him to the movies, and sledding, and water parks... not waking up in the middle of the night and not having to carry or stroll him everywhere...I really feel like I can get used to this and I'm not so sure if I really do want to start over. Tim & I have had many talks this past year and we both go back and forth. So who knows... but right now - 3 GROWING** boys it is and that's the way it'll be for 2011! Good thing I have lots of babies I can borrow! haha

**Caleb grew ridiculously a lot this past year. (over 4 and a half inches or something)

He is almost as tall as Joshua was at the beginning of the year and he's 2 1/2 years younger! And his first tooth is loose! What is going on?

9. Wrestling

This is the year that we signed Joshua up for wrestling and found out he loved it.

Caleb was able to start too (I think part of it has to do with his height and weight being so close to Joshua) Mondays & Wednesdays 6-8pm... I'm am now a mom of wrestlers! It makes me happy to see them do something they like and want to learn more about. This is their first year so I'm wondering if it'll last or if they'll show interest in something else next year?

I do get scared that they'll get hurt but that's what moms do I guess haha

10. Evan's heart murmur

I honestly almost forgot about this because THANKFULLY it turned out A-OK!

Evan's pediatrician said his heart sounded different and recommended that I go to a cardiologist to check to see if Evan had a heart murmur. It was another stressful part of my year. We set up the appointment. Evan had a few tests run and I must say he did so well with everything. He listened, didn't seem scared even with all the pads hooked up to him. He was relaxed and calm - didn't cry one speck. All the results came and it turns out that he does indeed have a heart murmur but it's not anything to worry about. He can do everything normally and it doesn't effect him. I was so relieved!

~If you couldn't tell by now I color coded it this time

Red - Bad

YellowISH - Bittersweet/Mix

Green - Good

And based on glancing over it, the majority of my year was GOOD.

I'm so thankful that this year was better then last.

And I'm hoping and praying that 2011 will be amazing and life changing for not only my own family but those around me.

God I really want to see and hear and feel You more then I EVER have in my whole life.

Heal & Restore the things that are broken. I'm ready for the new things you have in store...

...I think? hahaha

[Holding on for the Ride and Letting Go]