Keeping it together

The last month or so my emotions have been all over the place - I blame it on the hormones post baby. They've started to stabilize finally & thankfully because I hated not feeling like myself. Yesterday I took my boys to my 6 week check up at my OB. 

They don't have issues bringing the kids and I usually pack some school work, dry erase games, DSs, snacks etc. etc. etc. Over my whole pregnancy the receptionist has told me multiple times how well behaved my boys are and how other patients have commented when I left about how impressed they were about my boys. I didn't hate hearing that haha :) 

The majority of the time I was in and out with a half hour. Sometimes I'd get lucky and it would take only 15 minutes. When I walked into the office I had a bad feeling because there was already a few people sitting there (and it's a small office with just the one doctor) Jacob was screaming because he hates the car but I got him out of the car seat and calmed him down pretty quickly. Noelan was kind of zoned out from just waking up because he fell asleep on the ride there (but then had to be transferred into the stroller in the cold) The older boys started grabbing stuff out of the bag I packed & started quietly playing. Shortly after a few more people came in & some of them had kids with them. One couple had a girl about 4 years old or so and another couple had two boys around Evan's age give or take a couple of years. 

Another lady and guy walk in a little after and asks the receptionist if it was alright that she was 15 mins late. 

This didn't look good for my wait time even more so. I had confidence that I packed enough to entertain and occupy everyone though. I usually leave Noelan strapped in the stroller since I'm in and out for the most part. This time I took him out because I knew it was going to be a while and figured he could stretch his legs out before I had to put him back in when I went back to get my check up. 

Time had passed and all the kids were being really good, not just my own. During that time the last woman that walked in kept huffing and puffing about the kids being there loudly under her breath. First she expressed how they shouldn't be there, then didn't understand why they weren't in school like they were supposed to be. She counted each adult out loud and then the amount of kids. I understood that she was frustrated with having to wait so long  - I don't think anyone there was happy about it but they weren't grumbling and displacing their frustrations onto other people there (which only made it worse in my opinion) 

While this was all going on, I was getting more and more angry inside and thinking of different ways I wanted to go off on her. I was egging myself on but kept quiet each time she opened her mouth. I blame some of that on my hormones haha I wanted to ask why it bothered her so much. I wanted to defend the kids and say how quiet they were being and more well behaved than she was being. I really wanted to snap and yell at her but I knew that wouldn't so anyone any good except make the wait even worse. Her last two comments put me over the edge. She said something along the lines of "I know where these kids should be and it involves the time between 8 & 3 and a big yellow bus" Then she went onto say a little later "this is the future of America, sitting in a gynecologist waiting room instead of getting an education" 

She also said something along the lines of "it's my birthday and here I am on my lunch break surrounded by kids and there's no good reason for them to be here" 

Finally I spoke up and said "would you like me to explain why my kids are here, would it make you feel better knowing the reason?" 

She smirked and said "no not really" 

Probably surprised that someone finally said something and also wondering why it took so long like she was waiting for some conflict. 

I said "well I'm going to tell you anyways" & proceeded to tell her that the reason my kids were there & not in public school  was so that they would get a proper education. I told her how I pulled them out 2 years ago and the events that led up to that point. She listened and apologized without really saying sorry. She said she understands now why my kids were there but not everyone else's (which I still don't know the reasoning either) so I responded "me either, but everyone has a story and you're not going to agree or even know them all so it's not great to be so quick to judge" I added "I'm sorry you're sitting here on your birthday instead of being in and out - quick appointments are my favorite" 

Two people got called within the time of our conversation and she told the receptionist "you're killing me!" 

But during our conversation she softened a lot and I did know she was just frustrated because she didn't want to spend her whole lunch break in the waiting room. I think she just wanted someone to acknowledge that...although she was the one who made the appointment in the first place haha (but again I don't know her whole story and why she did - there's prob more to it than makes sense to me as an outsider) my name got called so I told the receptionist to let her go ahead and she said "are you sure?" And I responded "yea, it's her birthday" The receptionist responded "oh yeaaaa that's right! Ok, she's giving up her spot for you" She thanked me and went in. She was in there for a good 1/2 hour at least and when she came out she thanked me and left. By this time I was at the doctor for over 2 & a half hours. The crazy thing was that by the time I went in, I was in and out within 10-15 mins. 

I'm so glad I was able to keep it together and I hope she saw Jesus in me (because I know what was really inside of me and the way I responded was the opposite of how I was feeling) I know some may not feel like she deserved a calm response to the way she was acting but I also know that I don't deserve the mercy that God has given me over and over again...And I'm so thankful for the grace he gave me to handle that day. He's the One that's keeping me together. 

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17

Patching up my messups

This past Valentine's Day was an overall good day. I got in a festive mood so I pulled out my heart plates and bowls and then kicked it up a notch. I decorated with balloons, streamers, banners and mirror/window clings.

For those who follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you saw the fun parts of my day (like those sites usually do) I'm now going to give you a glimpse of how there's always something else going on behind the scenes and tell you what else happened that day. I was going to post it right away but I knew I could write more in depth if I set time aside and actually sat down and did it. So here I am - actually blogging through my iPhone because I rarely get on the computer anymore.

Right before Tim came home from work, Joshua and Caleb were in Joshua's room bickering while I was making dinner (yummy cheese fondue!) I went back to go talk...ok i mean yell and get to the bottom of why they were fighting AGAIN. Caleb was being an instigator and he had no reason to be in Joshua's room at that moment so I told him to get out. He kept doing what he was doing to bug Joshua and not listen to me. So being the calm, cool and collected mom I am ;) I kicked the wall to capture his attention and tell him that I was seriously done with this and he needed to get out NOW. I yelled more and then I glanced down and realized I had kicked a decent sized dent in the wall and I didn't even know! I didn't feel my shoe go into the wall. I was wearing boots with a really hard toe which didn't cross my mind when I kicked my foot against...I mean through... the wall.

As soon as I realized this my eyes widened and I said "ohhh CRAP!!" Caleb, who had a hard time getting out of the room before, rushed out to see what I was was looking at. Both Joshua and Caleb laughed and looked at me in awe of what I had just done or like I had super strength. I was in total shock. I know I said something to the boys before going back in the kitchen but that part is a blur now. Joshua decided to write up some post it notes while I finished prepping our Valentine's Day dinner.

Tim was home within 10 minutes of me being back in the kitchen. As soon as he pulled into the driveway all THREE boys dashed towards the front door - and this time it wasn't to give Tim a welcoming "yay daddy's home" hug and kiss. It was to tell on mommy and I knew it. I tried to catch them before they made it outside to say "let me tell him myself" but I was too slow. Tim walked through the door confused by them talking over each other about how mommy put a hole in the wall. I hugged and kissed him hello and told him "what they're saying is true" and led him down the hallway to the wall.

This time when I looked at the dent, Caleb had pushed the piece of wall completely into the wall so there was a HOLE & it looked even bigger than before. Another addition to the busted wall was Joshua's post-it notes, hung up with handwritten messages. The first one read: "mom did it" and the second: "don't get mom angry" I found humor in it for some reason - maybe because I can still hear Josh's giddy voice in my head, reading Tim the notes out loud.

I apologized wholehearted to Tim especially because this is NOT the way I wanted him to be welcomed. I had put thought into being festive and that was totally looked over because of the hole in the wall. I kept saying sorry and told him I would fix it. He told me not to worry about it and it was okay. Within the next 10 minutes he was at the hole again this time with the materials he needed to patch it up.

As he went to work (after just coming home from work) I started thinking about how this was a really good analogy of what happens when we mess up.

Sometimes we aren't even aware that we've messed up until we ARE aware of it. There will be those who can't wait to point the finger at your mistakes and make it bigger then it was, even though they have their own stuff.
But when it comes down to it and we go to God and tell him we really messed up & how sorry we are, he's there to patch it right up and cover our mistakes because He loves us. He specializes in that "trade" and he does it with no hard feelings, no looking down on you - just complete love and protection so nobody else can "make the hole bigger" or "push anything else in it"

It was Valentine's Day & I felt the love extra specially that day because I messed up big and I was shown mercy and love - and not just by Tim.

Lock & Key

http://www.flickr.com/photos/chamille/3648014607/

It's hard trying to work things out on here especially when I know people can take a peak at what I'm in the middle of processing. I started blogging mostly as a personal journal that I left unlocked. But since it's no secret that people are taking a peak at the things that I'm writing, it effects the way I get my words out.

I wanted to write and be real with everything that goes on inside of me because I really believe that as you share a part of yourself, it can help heal someone else. The more open and honest people have been with me, the more open and honest I was able to be with them...and myself. And it's been a freeing experience.

But on the other hand, I know I need to be sensitive to the fact that not everyone wants that for themselves. I also have to keep in mind that some of the things I go through are between me and others and not everything needs to be out in the open. Especially when I'm hurt or mad haha. I can't take words back... especially when it's right here on the world wide web...world wide.. that's craziness. I think it's more mature to deal with that kind of stuff one on one - person to person and if you really need to write before you talk to them - that's what paper is for. It burns & shreds easily :)

So yeaaaa... these are things I think about as I journal publicly. I want to inspire honesty and transparency and I don't want to filter the thoughts that come through my head even though I know I'm handing you the key.

Unpacking the Songs Within

In high school I would sit in my bedroom and just write and write and write. I would jot down some poems or lyrics to a tune I made up in my head. Granted these were the years of feeling deeply, getting hurt, feeling sad and alone but it came so effortlessly.

After I got pregnant at 16 the shame that I felt about myself made it hard to do a lot of things that I had no problem doing before. Writing poems and music was one of them (along with singing)

It's like I packed everything I once felt free doing in a box and taped it up.

Giving into and feeding: Shame + Fear + Insecurity = Nothing Good!

It was really rough. I lost a sense of who I was and gave up on things that I was once good at. There were times I literally looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself.

Fast forward 8-9 years and here I am about to post a song I wrote one night after the youth group came to our house. I was just playing and singing some random things and this is what stuck.

When I first posted this on youtube a few months ago I felt all those same feelings that I dealt with majorly rise up. But I clicked "post" and there was no going back. It was freeing and I hope to do a lot more of that! It's simple but it's a good place to start!

Our Love Story

I tried to write out our story as short as possible about a year or two ago. There's still so many details that I left out but maybe over time I can fill in the gaps :) It's long enough as it is!

I just cut and copied from my myspace blog so don't mind the format of it and how squished it looks.

January 23, 2009 - Friday

Our Love Story Current mood: amorous Category: Life Our Love Story is not typical: I had a feeling we were going to get married when I was 14. One evening when we were having a youth meeting at my aunt Debbie's house, I had this picture in my head of me and Tim sitting at the piano and playing together. For some reason I interpreted that as we were going to get married. (Don't ask me why) At the time we didn't talk much. He played the guitar and I would sing the worship songs in our group and Rick would teach. In 2000 we took a road trip to Washington DC for The Call. It was an event to pray for our country right before the elections. I remember there was a point to make a vow to save yourself for marriage. I stood up because I really believed that I would. I looked over and Tim was doing the same thing. I began to become friends with Tim after we got back from the trip and I could see how much he loved God. I really liked that in him. I would talk to him on the phone and on-line. One of the times we were IMing each other he IMed me, with what he thought would come up as symbols (like wingding or whatever) My mom was sitting next to me and instead of seeing code writing, it said "Candice, Will you marry me?" Straight up in a standard font. I was like "mom! what do I say to him!?!?!" So she told me to say "I'm a little young for that" (I think I was 15 at this point) He was really surprised when he realized that I saw what he actually wrote. After that whenever Tim's mom would call my mom she would tease me and say "your mother-in-law's on the phone" I would roll my eyes and tell her to stop it. Right before my 16th birthday we started liking each other. Before this we had a history of talking and not talking when we got our feelings hurt. That continued on and off for a while. Sunday Sept 9th was the day I celebrated my Sweet 16. I had family, high school friends, & church friends. I don't know exactly what happened and what Tim was feeling after that day. But Sept 11th, 2001 I went to school and of course everyone knows what happened that day...What I didn't know if that there was an e-mail from Tim waiting for me in my inbox. So besides the chaos of the day I check my e-mail and sent early around 4 in the morning was a message saying goodbye and I'd make a good wife and mother some day.I relaized that, that morning on the way to school the book I had given him to read "I kissed dating goodbye" was on the front step. I thought he was done with it and was returning it to me. haha and now looking back, I guess that's not the book you want to get from the girl you like. but I didn't mean that...I think it talks about courtship and what not. Anyway...He drove away that morning and ended up watching the Twin Towers get hit. He kept on driving. I was hurt because I didn't feel like I did anything to push him away (at the time) and it seemed out of nowhere because we had just hung out 2 days before. I didn't know where he was and if he'd come back. He finally got to a place called 'New Hope' (crazy right!) and turned around and came back home. I didn't want to talk to him anymore because he hurt me. We fell back in to the not talking stage of our 'friendship'. I did my own thing after that. I would ask my mom "Who do you think I'm going to marry?" and she would say "you know who I think" and then I was like "God is going to make me marry Tim!" and she told me "God won't make you do anything. If you do marry him, it's going to be because you love him and you want to." Five months later (Feb 8th, 2002) in an isolated incident I ended up getting pregnant. Valentine's Day was around the corner, I was feeling depressed like I did every February.. boo hoo... no excuses Candice. Anyway, One of the craziest things is that we didn't finish. (so yes people out there...You can INDEED get pregnant without finishing!) It also doesn't help that I have a HIGHLY fertile family. When I told the person I was pregnant, he told me it wasn't possible... because of the previous statement...but I told him I was indeed. We ended up telling his parents. And trying to figure all that stuff out. He didn't want to be involved at that time. But no matter what, I wanted to keep this baby - it was not an option to abort him. It was my actions that resulted in this and it was my responsibility. (This was in April) I knew Tim still loved me but there was still no communication between us. When he first found out I was pregnant, he was really upset but thought we could work it out. I was really ashamed and angry at myself so I pulled away from everyone which hurt him again. I actually still carried anger towards him from Sept 2001. I had a couple of dreams in May and I felt like if I didn't start talking to Tim again I would miss out on being married to him. [One was about driving somewhere and my parents were going to the same place but Tim wanted me to go in his car and I didn't want to go but I ended up going with him and we wound up in the same place. Another was literal like Tim was about to marry someone else and I was so so upset that I missed being the one for him.] So literally overnight I wasn't angry at him anymore. I was sorry for rejecting him and putting my guard up. I wrote him a birthday card saying that he still held the key to my heart and the choice was his if decided he still wanted me even with me being pregnant. I attached the lyrics to this song 'Wait for Me" We met in June and decided we were going to do anything possible to work it out. We knew we needed to work on our communication. We agreed to be open about everything even if we were scared it would hurt the others feelings. We got engaged a month later in July. Two months after that we got married. Tim wanted to get married before Joshua was born so he could give him his last name. I had Joshua Nov 2, 2002 - 2 months after we were married. I finished high school at home the end of 11th grade and graduated early in 12th because I was in honors classes and had enough 'credits' to do it... And here we are 6 years later! & We still love each other. It's been hard at times, but overall really really good. To make things even more 'un-normal' - The father of Joshua came around when Joshua was almost 4 and said he was sorry and wanted to be involved. So about 3-4 times a year we see him, his girlfriend, his mom and sister. I've told Joshua " Me and daddy made Caleb and me and daddy made Evan but me and the other guy made you" I tell him that he has another aunt and grandma. And that he's surrounded by love. I'm still not sure if Joshua really understands yet. But he will some day Tim treats Joshua as his own because he was there when I was pregnant and during the birth. He is his 'real' father. He just also has a biological dad who loves him too. His life is so valuable. There was never a 'choice' to be made. A person's a person, no matter how small! Love Never Fails is engraved inside our wedding bands because that is what kept us going. God's Love, Our Love for each other, Our Love for our family. Love is really the greatest and most important things! LOVE NEVER FAILS!! Wait for Me lyrics Darling did you know that I I dream about you Waiting for the look in your eyes When we meet for the first time Darling did you know that I I pray about you Cause,I am waiting for Praying for you darling Wait for me too Wait for me as I wait for you Cause, I am waiting for Praying for you darling Wait for me too Wait for me as I wait for you Darling wait Darling wait Praying that you will hold on And keep your loving eyes only for me Darling did you know I dream about life together Knowing it will be forever I'll be yours and you'll be mine And darling when I say Till death do us part I'll mean it with all of my heart Now and always faithful to you Now I know you may have made mistakes But there's forgiveness and a second chance (exactly what I needed) So wait for me Darling wait for me Wait for me wait for me ...And then our Wedding Song I Could Not Ask for More (yes I know many people have this song) I could not ask for more than this time together, I could not ask for more than this time with you, Every prayer has been answered, Every dream I have's come true, Yeah right here in this moment, Is right where I'm meant to be, Here with you, Here with me. . . These are the moments, I thank God that I'm alive, These are the moments, I'll remember all my life, I've got all I've waited for, And I could not ask for more. . .

Read more:http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=647662&blogId=465898871#ixzz0w7xkAN9D

Encouraging Love

Ephesians 4:2
(NIV, Message, NLT)

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”

And mark that you do this with humility and discipline—not in fits and starts, but steadily, pouring yourselves out for each other in acts of love, alert at noticing differences and quick at mending fences.

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.


James 4:11

(NIV, Message, NLT)

Don’t speak evil against each other, dear brothers and sisters. If you criticize and judge each other, then you are criticizing and judging God’s law. But your job is to obey the law, not to judge whether it applies to you. God alone, who gave the law, is the Judge. He alone has the power to save or to destroy.

So what right do you have to judge your neighbor?

Don't bad-mouth each other, friends. It's God's Word, his Message, his Royal Rule, that takes a beating in that kind of talk. You're supposed to be honoring the Message, not writing graffiti all over it. God is in charge of deciding human destiny.

Who do you think you are to meddle in the destiny of others?

Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?

Hebrews 10:24-25

(NIV, Message, NLT)

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

So let's do it—full of belief, confident that we're presentable inside and out. Let's keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps his word. Let's see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching.

Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. ²⁵ And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.