Lock & Key

http://www.flickr.com/photos/chamille/3648014607/

It's hard trying to work things out on here especially when I know people can take a peak at what I'm in the middle of processing. I started blogging mostly as a personal journal that I left unlocked. But since it's no secret that people are taking a peak at the things that I'm writing, it effects the way I get my words out.

I wanted to write and be real with everything that goes on inside of me because I really believe that as you share a part of yourself, it can help heal someone else. The more open and honest people have been with me, the more open and honest I was able to be with them...and myself. And it's been a freeing experience.

But on the other hand, I know I need to be sensitive to the fact that not everyone wants that for themselves. I also have to keep in mind that some of the things I go through are between me and others and not everything needs to be out in the open. Especially when I'm hurt or mad haha. I can't take words back... especially when it's right here on the world wide web...world wide.. that's craziness. I think it's more mature to deal with that kind of stuff one on one - person to person and if you really need to write before you talk to them - that's what paper is for. It burns & shreds easily :)

So yeaaaa... these are things I think about as I journal publicly. I want to inspire honesty and transparency and I don't want to filter the thoughts that come through my head even though I know I'm handing you the key.

Unpacking the Songs Within

In high school I would sit in my bedroom and just write and write and write. I would jot down some poems or lyrics to a tune I made up in my head. Granted these were the years of feeling deeply, getting hurt, feeling sad and alone but it came so effortlessly.

After I got pregnant at 16 the shame that I felt about myself made it hard to do a lot of things that I had no problem doing before. Writing poems and music was one of them (along with singing)

It's like I packed everything I once felt free doing in a box and taped it up.

Giving into and feeding: Shame + Fear + Insecurity = Nothing Good!

It was really rough. I lost a sense of who I was and gave up on things that I was once good at. There were times I literally looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself.

Fast forward 8-9 years and here I am about to post a song I wrote one night after the youth group came to our house. I was just playing and singing some random things and this is what stuck.

When I first posted this on youtube a few months ago I felt all those same feelings that I dealt with majorly rise up. But I clicked "post" and there was no going back. It was freeing and I hope to do a lot more of that! It's simple but it's a good place to start!