Ocean's Tide

I updated my status with something Tim said and the more we talked about it, the more I wanted to remember it so here I am briefly writing it out so I can look back on it.

I was reading Tim a post that Ginnie wrote that said "I think the tide is turning...new season around the bend of the shoreline"

That made Tim try to figure out which tide we were in now (don't ask me why) and he decided we're in low tide...less water. But he made the point that high tide was next.

I know most of you reading this are like "what - the - heck...are you talking about?"

& to be honest even reading this back I don't even know sometimes :)

He then made this statement that made me think and understand more of what he was trying to process out loud. He said, "I don't want to be a lake, still water. I want to be like the ocean..." He began to describe how most lakes are just still and dirty/murky, and the only new water they get is from the rain and even that just goes into the old stale water. He added that ocean water keeps moving and has lots of salt (which I don't know what that means haha) He also compared it to the church and having the waves come in and out just like people should.

I like when Tim processes out loud.

It gets me thinking about different things & makes me think in different ways.

I like word pictures and I think this particular one I will remember for a while. I can probably even apply it to different areas of my life down the road.

So yea now I'm thinking about roads and what that can mean metaphorically and my head hurts so I'm going to go to bed :)

P.S. Tim gave me the okay to blog about his out loud processing & even helped me pick out pictures to help illustrate this post.

Ew, yuck. Who wants to swim here?

Muuuuuuuch Better!

Lock & Key

http://www.flickr.com/photos/chamille/3648014607/

It's hard trying to work things out on here especially when I know people can take a peak at what I'm in the middle of processing. I started blogging mostly as a personal journal that I left unlocked. But since it's no secret that people are taking a peak at the things that I'm writing, it effects the way I get my words out.

I wanted to write and be real with everything that goes on inside of me because I really believe that as you share a part of yourself, it can help heal someone else. The more open and honest people have been with me, the more open and honest I was able to be with them...and myself. And it's been a freeing experience.

But on the other hand, I know I need to be sensitive to the fact that not everyone wants that for themselves. I also have to keep in mind that some of the things I go through are between me and others and not everything needs to be out in the open. Especially when I'm hurt or mad haha. I can't take words back... especially when it's right here on the world wide web...world wide.. that's craziness. I think it's more mature to deal with that kind of stuff one on one - person to person and if you really need to write before you talk to them - that's what paper is for. It burns & shreds easily :)

So yeaaaa... these are things I think about as I journal publicly. I want to inspire honesty and transparency and I don't want to filter the thoughts that come through my head even though I know I'm handing you the key.

Time to Prioritize

There never seems to be enough time in the day and days in the week lately. I have a lot going on and a lot more I would like to do. I think it's time to step back, look at what my responsibilities are, my roles, the time I spend doing things and what priority do they have right now and where they should be.

Something that I've been slacking on is cleaning (surprise surprise) Routines are hard for me to follow through even when I set 5 alarms on my phone (no exaggeration) throughout the day that are labeled 'Laundry' - My intentions were to wash when I heard the first alarm, dry when I heard the second alarm...etc. etc. etc. I'm good at just shutting the alarm off and just continue doing what I'm doing at the time. Some days I just do it and it's great but most times I just don't. What's so hard about following through? I have no idea but I frustrate myself.

What I do know is I spend lots of time with Tim & the boys and that's something I'm happy about.

They are high on my "priority list" and that's where they'll stay.

These are some of the questions I'll be asking myself the next week or two so I'll share and then maybe whoever reads this can share their answers as I think of mine.

What are your responsibilities?

What is your role in each responsibility?

Are there things in your life you would like to spend less time doing?

Are there things in your life you would like to spend more time doing?

Are there things you can change to free up more time towards something else?

And while you're at it - How do you follow through on things that you don't really want to do but HAVE to do (like laundry haha)

I know some people are wired to "just do it"

I am not so an answer like that will not help here :)

Note to Self: Just Breathe

That's all for now.

Tangled Mess

So I think I did it again. Shrugged things off as not a big deal, tried not to take offense or get hurt in the process of every day life and ended up with a tangled pile of mess inside my head and heart. I can tell you what set my mood off & I can tell you once I'm able to figure out what's really going on inside of me I'll be better again. But how do I untangle the overwhelming mess of emotions and thoughts on top of my everyday life and responsibilities? Some of the things that hurt me seem like they shouldn't even matter. When I talk to Tim about what's going on and I hear it out loud I think to myself "is that REALLY the issue?"

What took me from having a normal day to extreme anger and sadness. Hormones?

I laughed at myself because the day I was feeling upset I was having crazy mood swings the majority of the day - favoring on the side of anger - and then I talked to Tim and felt good and then I started crying and immediately checked my menstrual cycle app on my phone while I was crying and THEN started laughing at myself for checking if I was PMSing (which according to the calendar I'm not?) so I was laughing AND crying. And it makes you feel crazy! Women.

As we were laying in bed about to go to sleep, I told Tim that I could see that there's a thin line between laughing and crying because I was cracking up over something else and started to feel the sadness about who knows what inside bubble up and it could've totally overflowed out of me but I held it in because I would've felt crazy again. Tim replies "I think that would be so funny if you cried after laughing so hard!" Men.

All kidding aside...I feel pretty ok today. But I can tell you that there's something a little off inside of me so to end the post I'll share this:

My brother called the other night and we were talking about people in general and I said "I love people, but I don't like them - I think we get that from dad".

It all comes down to the fact that relationships are messy.

But I know the good parts of it make it so worth it.

Nowwww onto backtracking and trying to untangle this mess inside of me...