Switching to Wordpress

To continue reading what I write you can follow me here:

https://wordpress.com/view/wwwcandicecom.wordpress.com

& this is why I switched to Wordpress:

https://wwwcandicecom.wordpress.com/2016/05/25/first-blog-post/

Double Days

I doubled up the boys' school work this week to see if we could get a little ahead of schedule. (Especially if I am able to try and make it down to visit FL in the near future) Although it's been a little overwhelming at times, they're getting it done and learning how to use time management, prioritize and organize. It's also helping me break out of the mentality that everything had to be done by a specific time in the day - every day. We're all learning and being stretched in the process and I think it was a good thing for us. I'm second guessing trying to do it like this throughout the winter though...although the older boys loved thinking about the fact that if they did things like this regularly, they could be done by April and make the most of the beautiful weather. 

Maybe we'll do every other week a double week...I do like the flexibility of homeschooling and am thankful for this season I am in with my boys. I know it is going to fly by and I'm going to have a whole different season as I really start to teach the little ones. 

10 Events of 2015

The 

I can't remember the last year I did this but I always liked looking back on the years I did so in no particular order because I'm tired...& because this is more for my own future reflections haha 

1. Tim working for Betatronix

After almost 10 years working for a job that was literally breaking his back, Tim started a new company. There's been a couple of downsides (like not having an extra car or getting a Christmas bonus) but that's completely worth not worrying that Tim is going to hurt his back again..although the damage has already been done so he still needs to be careful) 

I love that he works 10 minutes down the road and can come home for lunch every day...and he's home before 4pm! I don't see it being a forever job but definitely a good transition job to remind Tim how quick of a learner he is & that he doesn't have to feel stuck doing something forever 

2. Road Trips 

We went on a few road trips this year. (one of our favorite things to do) We went to PA to celebrate Sarah's birthday in Feb, I did a day trip to NH to pick Josh up & went back to PA in Aug to visit Wade and Sarah to take advantage of them living so close because I know that season is coming close to an end again :( Our major trip of the year was in July where we headed to Maine to visit my cousins John and Diana, Canada to visit friends Tom and Nadine, & New Hampshire like we usually do yearly to spend time with my Uncle Gene, Aunt Deb, Ben & Sam ...& see the church house that we loved but was sold this year :( It was so good spending time with awesome people we don't get to see regularly. They were all gracious hosts and made our visit unforgettable. I love you all! 

3. Peter and Kim 

I gained a new sister in law when Peter married Kim in Sept <3 It made my heart so happy and excited for both of them!!! We had a great time celebrating the month after at Belmont - the rain stayed away and it was absolutely beautiful. The kids climbed trees, flew kites, climbed dirt hills and the family played a game of kickball. 

4. Mama moving to FL 

One of my least favorite parts of 2015 is when my mom moved to FL to focus on getting The Pink Piano wine bar she co-owns up and running. It's been such a weird season having her away and my dad still living here. I don't get to talk to her much because she's working like crazy. I'm hoping when my dad moves down there, it will take some pressure off of her. & I'm thinking of planning a FL road trip this year to visit them. Maybe end of April around her birthday :) I miss her so much :( Especially when she would drop by even if it was for just 5 minutes to say hi and give us all a hug. 

5. Weeds cleared/Yard work 

When we got back from our road trip in July, we were super surprised that the overgrown weeds across the street were cleaned up. Tim's brother Peter has always been kind, loving, thoughtful,& generous and is really good at expressing it in tangible ways. He still found a new way and it gave us the motivation to get the half court back in working condition. We also did a lot of yard work as a family - chopping wood, clearing poison ivy (bleh) weeding, seeding, power washing, the mountain of bottles & cans that had taken over our back deck haha. Hopefully this Summer we'll continue to maintain what we did and be able to enjoy the outdoors with our family and friends. 

6. 30th Birthday 

My Aunt (& Fairy Godmother) planned a trip to NY for my 30th birthday weekend. She pampered me like crazy & I got to spend a whole weekend with her, my mama, Sarah and Daniela. It was my very first time being away from any of my babies for that long (while nursing) & Tim did an amazing job being the awesome daddy he is. I think that's why him and Jacob have a special bond now. I loved having my aunt in NY for 2 weeks exploring and eating our way around Island - from Garden City to Montauk Point :) My favorite thing in the world is spending time with the people I love and making memories especially outside in nature (& good food is ALWAYS a plus) 

7. Becoming a mother of a teenager 

I knew it was coming but I still can't believe or process fully that I have a teenager! Joshua is an incredible, hardworking, motivated, loving, affectionate, caring, handsome young man and I'm so proud to be his mom. I love him so very much! He wanted to spend time with Tim for his birthday so we got them season passes to Six Flags (since it was the exact same price as a one day pass at the time) They had a great time and will probably make more memories there this coming year since we have the passes for them & there's days you can bring an extra guest :) I love rollercoasters! 

8. Navigators 

The boys went to their 2nd year of VBS at Gospel Community Church in Sayville. They had so much fun and I can't say enough good things about how great it is. We got an invitation after VBS to check out Navigators on Wednesday nights. I would compare it to something like Boy Scouts. They have their uniforms and can earn pins by learning new skills or memory verses. The boys went to a father son camp out put together through the group and the boys had a great time. I see a lot of growth in them through this group and its been a really good and life giving night for us as a family. 

9. Baby Joel - July 31

Ahhhh! Look at that sweet face!!! Our newest nephew Joel was born this year & he is the cutest happy little boy! The few times Jacob saw him he loved him too and was giving him kisses and toys. This is Bobby & Jill's 3rd child and our 8th nephew :) Donna has 17 grandchildren now! 

10. Tim's Trip to the ER 

2015 didn't want to end nice and mellow. A few days after Christmas we were watching Back to the Future III to complete our Back to the Future marathon (thanks to the public library!) Noelan was being loud and jumping everywhere so Tim stood up and moved closer to the TV so he could hear better. All of a sudden he passed out, hit his head on the shelf that the DVD player is on and started shaking on the ground. I ran to him, saw that he was bleeding (as it pooled on the floor around his head) & I put my sweatshirt on his forehead/bridge of his nose where I could see blood. I told Josh to call 911 and he did a great job giving them the info needed to get here while staying collected. When Tim came to, he was saying he was fine and his glasses just broke on the way down and that's why he was bleeding. I showed him his glasses fully in tact and said that he was bleeding from the fall not his glasses. Josh then brought Noelan in another room (away from the chaos) and set up a game. Evan was really upset and he rarely cries so that was sad as well. Tim thought maybe the passing out was his blood sugar but I tested it and it was normal on the glucose monitor I had from when I had gestational diabetes. The cops and ambulance came and took him to the hospital. He was at the ER for about 5 hours or so. He got 3 stitches and tests. The EKG & CAT scan showed everything was fine. Blood sugar was fine, blood pressure was a little high. He got the stitches removed & is supposed to get a heart monitor for 24 to rule out anything with his irregular heart beat. Possibly follow up with a cardiologist. But we think that dehydration was the cause. 

So that's 2015 (give or take a bunch more events inbetween) 

I hope that 2016 is filled with just as much family & friend quality time, road trips and nature & no more trips to the ER. 

Pete posted this on NYE or day and I loved it: 

& I had taken a picture of the dedication page of a book I started reading and a friend reposted it as a prayer for the New Year and that's a good way to look at it:

So Amen & Amen 

Welcome 2016! 

Day In & Out - My current prayer and beginning of a song

When things are weighing heavy on my heart
When the days are in a fog
When life keeps passing before my eyes
I will choose to worship You God

You are Worthy
You are more than what my feelings say
You are Holy
Here is where I want to stay

...and say...

You are Worthy
You are more than what my feelings say
You are Holy
Here is where I want to stay

Day in & out, I lift my eyes to You
Day in & out, I give my heart to You

...and say...

You are Worthy
You are more than what my feelings say
You are Holy
Here is where I want to stay

Trust vs. Faith (an old saved draft)

I was watching a show a few weeks ago and a line caught my attention "Trust is difficult without proof." (-Victoria from Revenge haha)  I was thinking about how much I felt like I agreed and related to that view...and what made me feel not so great about it was that she is one of the 'bad guys'.

As I sat there I also started thinking about 'faith' & what I know to be true: " Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I know the first quote is just from a TV show butthe way trust was spoken about seemed like the complete opposite of what faith is - But I really feel like those two words/actions are not as opposite as I felt in that moment. These thoughts stayed in the back of my mind for weeks until now...as I sit here at one o'clock in the morning when I really would love to be sleeping but just couldn't get my mind to stop and rest. So i looked each word up and just as I thought, the words are connected:

Faith is COMPLETE Trust of confidence in someone or something. &Trust is the belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective - or an assured reliance on the charter, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.

As I read those definitions I realized that I am a long way off from my healing process. I thought maybe by sitting here, I would have an 'a-ha' moment and I would start trusting everyone around me and everything would be sunshine and wild flowers and I'd be running through the field with my arms open wide, head back soaking in the sun, laughing and spinning in freedom. hahahaha Instead I'm sitting in my dark bedroom with the glare of the computer screen being my only source of light as I look at a whole bunch of words and jumbled thoughts that I'm still trying to piece together, trying to make sense of it all and figure out how to move forward and get to that free place in my head that I pictured just before.

Opening yourself up when you've been hurt over and over again feels near impossible. I know I've learned things over the years & I know I've grown - But I'm at a place right now where I feel kind of stuck. I have my feet glued to what feels like thick black sticky tar and I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to move forward and get unstuck. I feel like the ability to trust those around me would be the thing that will help me move forward in the direction I want to go. 

Instead I hear "faith, hope and love"

1 Corinthians 13:13 (MSG) Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

It makes no sense to want to open up to people around me (& I feel rightfully so) when in my head I know that there's going to be plenty more pain to come. Is the wise thing to move forward with caution? Open up slowly? Right now, yes I think it is for me. In the show, you're beginning to see why Victoria is the way she is, and the situations and painful life events that formed her into who she is now. **

Romans 10:17 The Message (MSG)14-17 But how can people call for help if they don’t know who to trust? And how can they know who to trust if they haven’t heard of the One who can be trusted? And how can they hear if nobody tells them? And how is anyone going to tell them, unless someone is sent to do it? That’s why Scripture exclaims,A sight to take your breath away!Grand processions of people    telling all the good things of God!But not everybody is ready for this, ready to see and hear and act. Isaiah asked what we all ask at one time or another: “Does anyone care, God? Is anyone listening and believing a word of it?” The point is: Before you trust, you have to listen. But unless Christ’s Word is preached, there’s nothing to listen to.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

1 Corinthians 13:7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

**I never finished this or posted this all for some reason but I could still completely relate as I re-read it so I will add this & then post: Let this be a wake up call for me to keep moving forward even when I know that life is messy and pain is part of the process of loving and being loved. Help me to put my faith, my COMPLETE trust in You God, that you have my back and will never hurt me. Lead me to the places You want me to go, lead me to the people and relationships that will be life giving for all involved and even when things get messy, Help me to put my faith/complete trust that You will be there every step of the way to mend the brokenness, pour out mercy & bring redemption. I love you Jesus. 

A Good Father

Yesterday I asked Caleb to do his chore which was to sweep the floor. He kept saying he was done when there was clearly stuff still on the floor. After about the 10th time...I don't even think that's an exaggeration, Tim stepped in and sent Caleb to his room. About 5-10 minutes later he told him to come out and go with him because he was going to teach him a lesson. I could tell Caleb was shut down and Tim was frustrated so I was hoping things wouldn't get worse. They went in the car and drove off. Josh says "Dad's probably going to buy Caleb something." Evan chimes in "yea like a broom! Haha" I say "no, why would he buy him something when he wasn't listening and dad was upset?" About 30-40 minutes later they come back home. Tim had a Home Depot bag with rubber feet so the coffee table won't keep scratching the floor and Caleb walked in with an Air Hog remote stunt copter. Josh yells "Seeeee!!!!!" (He knows his daddy) Later on I ask Tim (and then Caleb) what they talked about/did while they were gone and they both said the same thing: Tim asked why he doesn't listen, Caleb responded that he tries but has a lot going on in his head , they ran Tim's errand and then Tim asked Caleb if he wanted anything. Caleb responded that he left his money at home and Tim said "it's on me" Caleb responds "I thought you were going to teach me a lesson?" Tim replies back "I am, I'm teaching you that even though you don't listen at times I still love you - I'm not rewarding you for not listening - I'm getting this because I love you and want you to remember that. Plus, we haven't spent one on one time in a while" 

Those of you who know me, know that I think Tim is one of the very best dads I know. He's not perfect - nobody is, but I  am so thankful for him and the love he demonstrates to all of us. Once again, Tim's actions & words made me reflect on God's love for me: Even when I don't deserve it, even when I don't do what I'm supposed to be doing or when I do things half heartedly, even when I tune Him out, he STILL loves me. He wants to spend one on one time & lavish me. 

Matthew 7:11 

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

(The cherry on top was that this toy was usually a $60 item and they got it for $15 because it was no longer sold in the store - yay haha) 

Motherhood is hard enough

Sometimes as I'm getting the boys' school work together for the week ahead I get this wave of nausea and a knot in the pit of my stomach. I can't believe I'm on my 3rd year of homeschooling already. Evan is the age that Caleb started & I'm about to have a teenage son next month!! Where have the years gone?! The majority of the time I feel like this has been the best decision for my family. I've seen growth and progress in so many areas - then there are other times like tonight when I get that wave and feeling in my stomach and I'm like "what the heck am I doing?!? - are they learning enough, are they doing enough - am I failing them?" It would be so much easier in ways to pass the pressure onto the public schools. 

Sometimes I don't know if I'm doing enough specifically for Caleb because when he was in public school he was excelling and compteting in spelling bees and getting awards & certificates. His progress seemed effortless even though he never loved school. It's so hard not to compare and second guess every day. Motherhood is hard enough. Adding homeschooling on top brings it to a whole other level of insecurity & self-doubt. 

Then I have Joshua, whose last year of middle school work is this year. Next year he starts high school and we have to start his high school transcript. Oh man, just thinking about that stuff makes me feel sick. Again, on top of dealing with the fact that I have an almost teenager who's on the last few years of school until he graduates - then figuring out what he wants to do in the years that follow. Aye. 

I don't know how to really shake those feelings. I know it's a regular part of parenting. Watching your children grow and hoping that you instilled enough into them to carry them through becoming a self-suffient man (or woman) 

I see the good that has come from homeschooling and we have met a lot of nice & encouraging people along the way -  Some whose kids are in or have already graduated from college (which gives me hope) 

One of the things that helps calm my nerves a bit is looking around and knowing that even when people finish school, & get a job... or change jobs...multiple jobs - they're not even sure if that's what they want to be doing the rest of their lives or if they even wanted it in the first place. 

For me, I've known that I always wanted to be a mom (& wife) so I am actually doing what I love even though there's no income from it (which is a whole other topic) If I can remind myself of that and be the best I can be and love and encourage my kids to be the best they can be & go after what they're passionate about then I think it will be okay. I'm reminded of the quote:

"Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

- Howard Thurman

So that's what I'll continue to try and remind myself even time I start to get that knot in my stomach and questioning "am I doing enough?" Nobody has it all figured out and even if I mess up tremendously, I have to have done something right through the years that will help the boys stay grounded and excel in one way or another.....even if the only thing they ever learn from me is to love deeply then I'm okay with that. 

Bus Driver Dream & Homeschooling

Something has been stirring inside of me for quite some time and I keep pushing it down because "I have too much to do" I've missed writing and tonight I thought I was just going to push through and write about something from a few weeks ago - but as I signed on here, I realized I had multiple accounts that I didn't even remember creating. One was for daily life, the ins and outs and mostly boring accounts of what was going on haha. Another was a weight loss journal...that only had 2 posts in ha again & the last, besides this one, was a dream journal.

I know God can and does speak through dreams. He did in the bible and still does today. I've been on and off journaling my dreams before I even thought about that aspect. Some dreams I knew what the meaning was right away and why I had them - other dreams just felt weird and confusing. A huge part of Tim and I reconnecting and getting married about 13 years ago was because of a dream...actually a couple and I am so thankful for that. I don't even want to imagine life without him in it.

Anyways...I was skimming though a few of the dreams I had and I came across one about being a bus driver on 4/1/10 [three years before I started homeschooling] This is the dream (errors and all because most of the time I was still half sleeping): "I got a job as a school bus driver. One of the times I went to start I was 3 hours late. I got yelled at by a woman boss. Another rime I forgot that Caleb wouldn't have anyone to pick him up and he was stranded alone. I didn't know how I wa going to combine the two things: motherhood and school bus driving. Tim worked with me to figure out a schedule. He helped me buckle the boys on the bus so I could start my route on time. The more the dream went on the smoother eveything was and the more favor with the bu company I had.
The woman boss was telling me about her relationhips by a staircase.

I know people can (& probably will) roll their eyes and say dreams are just dreams, they don't mean anything or you can make anything mean what you want them to mean - but when I just re-read this I couldn't help think about how I'm homeschooling now and that I'm in charge of getting my boys to get their education. I'm in that driver's seat. I still don't know what the whole dream means but I can definitely relate to the line "I didn't know how I wa going to combine the two things: motherhood and school bus driving" Sometimes I still don't. I feel comforted though that I had this dream 3 YEARS before I even started homeschooling. I can rest in the fact that He is aware and wants me to know that He knows things before they even happen & I can trust & rely on Him. He's always faithful and always good. & on my really really bad homeschooling days, I'll have to remind myself of this part of the dream: "The more the dream went on the smoother everything was" I'm still learning the ins and outs of this homeschool thing. I always thought we started because of our crappy district, horrible experiences with the teacher and staff...not to mention some of the injustices we dealt with over the years - but now I can truly say that I'm confident in our desicion because I believe God was & is in this for *our family too.

*I know this isn't for everyone & this is in no way a post about how I think this is the only right way

Keeping it together

The last month or so my emotions have been all over the place - I blame it on the hormones post baby. They've started to stabilize finally & thankfully because I hated not feeling like myself. Yesterday I took my boys to my 6 week check up at my OB. 

They don't have issues bringing the kids and I usually pack some school work, dry erase games, DSs, snacks etc. etc. etc. Over my whole pregnancy the receptionist has told me multiple times how well behaved my boys are and how other patients have commented when I left about how impressed they were about my boys. I didn't hate hearing that haha :) 

The majority of the time I was in and out with a half hour. Sometimes I'd get lucky and it would take only 15 minutes. When I walked into the office I had a bad feeling because there was already a few people sitting there (and it's a small office with just the one doctor) Jacob was screaming because he hates the car but I got him out of the car seat and calmed him down pretty quickly. Noelan was kind of zoned out from just waking up because he fell asleep on the ride there (but then had to be transferred into the stroller in the cold) The older boys started grabbing stuff out of the bag I packed & started quietly playing. Shortly after a few more people came in & some of them had kids with them. One couple had a girl about 4 years old or so and another couple had two boys around Evan's age give or take a couple of years. 

Another lady and guy walk in a little after and asks the receptionist if it was alright that she was 15 mins late. 

This didn't look good for my wait time even more so. I had confidence that I packed enough to entertain and occupy everyone though. I usually leave Noelan strapped in the stroller since I'm in and out for the most part. This time I took him out because I knew it was going to be a while and figured he could stretch his legs out before I had to put him back in when I went back to get my check up. 

Time had passed and all the kids were being really good, not just my own. During that time the last woman that walked in kept huffing and puffing about the kids being there loudly under her breath. First she expressed how they shouldn't be there, then didn't understand why they weren't in school like they were supposed to be. She counted each adult out loud and then the amount of kids. I understood that she was frustrated with having to wait so long  - I don't think anyone there was happy about it but they weren't grumbling and displacing their frustrations onto other people there (which only made it worse in my opinion) 

While this was all going on, I was getting more and more angry inside and thinking of different ways I wanted to go off on her. I was egging myself on but kept quiet each time she opened her mouth. I blame some of that on my hormones haha I wanted to ask why it bothered her so much. I wanted to defend the kids and say how quiet they were being and more well behaved than she was being. I really wanted to snap and yell at her but I knew that wouldn't so anyone any good except make the wait even worse. Her last two comments put me over the edge. She said something along the lines of "I know where these kids should be and it involves the time between 8 & 3 and a big yellow bus" Then she went onto say a little later "this is the future of America, sitting in a gynecologist waiting room instead of getting an education" 

She also said something along the lines of "it's my birthday and here I am on my lunch break surrounded by kids and there's no good reason for them to be here" 

Finally I spoke up and said "would you like me to explain why my kids are here, would it make you feel better knowing the reason?" 

She smirked and said "no not really" 

Probably surprised that someone finally said something and also wondering why it took so long like she was waiting for some conflict. 

I said "well I'm going to tell you anyways" & proceeded to tell her that the reason my kids were there & not in public school  was so that they would get a proper education. I told her how I pulled them out 2 years ago and the events that led up to that point. She listened and apologized without really saying sorry. She said she understands now why my kids were there but not everyone else's (which I still don't know the reasoning either) so I responded "me either, but everyone has a story and you're not going to agree or even know them all so it's not great to be so quick to judge" I added "I'm sorry you're sitting here on your birthday instead of being in and out - quick appointments are my favorite" 

Two people got called within the time of our conversation and she told the receptionist "you're killing me!" 

But during our conversation she softened a lot and I did know she was just frustrated because she didn't want to spend her whole lunch break in the waiting room. I think she just wanted someone to acknowledge that...although she was the one who made the appointment in the first place haha (but again I don't know her whole story and why she did - there's prob more to it than makes sense to me as an outsider) my name got called so I told the receptionist to let her go ahead and she said "are you sure?" And I responded "yea, it's her birthday" The receptionist responded "oh yeaaaa that's right! Ok, she's giving up her spot for you" She thanked me and went in. She was in there for a good 1/2 hour at least and when she came out she thanked me and left. By this time I was at the doctor for over 2 & a half hours. The crazy thing was that by the time I went in, I was in and out within 10-15 mins. 

I'm so glad I was able to keep it together and I hope she saw Jesus in me (because I know what was really inside of me and the way I responded was the opposite of how I was feeling) I know some may not feel like she deserved a calm response to the way she was acting but I also know that I don't deserve the mercy that God has given me over and over again...And I'm so thankful for the grace he gave me to handle that day. He's the One that's keeping me together. 

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17

Pressure & Expectations

I can't handle either. 

10 events of 2013

2013

1 First year homeschooling 

2 Glasses for Caleb

3 Music Lessons for everyone

4 Rock climbing for Josh

5 Tim applied for the union 

6 Skydiving 

7 Jay and Erin's wedding 

8 Color Run/Spartan Race/Triathalon

9 Aunt Maria & Uncle Spiro Thanksgiving!

10 New Oven 

10 Events of 2014

2014

1 - Zoey and Declan 

2 - Mom's 50th birthday party 

3 - Josh's haircut 

4 - New Hampshire House hopes 

5 - Built a shed 

6 - Fowler Family Pictures 

7 - Wade & Sarah move to PA

8 - Jacob Quinn

9 - New Job for Tim/End of Henderson

10 - Poconos Family Reunion 

Jacob Quinn Fowler

October 8th 2014

I was going through baby clothes I had picked up and sent Tim a picture of a tigger outfit because I know he loves tigger. After I texted him he texted me back "I think his name should be Jacob Quinn Fowler" 

I thought it was funny because I always liked the name Jacob but Tim never did so I didn't even mention it this time around. We were thinking about the name Ian Quinn Fowler and although I really liked the name meaning for some reason everytime I thought of the name it didn't feel like my baby's name. I was going to just let it go because Tim liked it and we thought the initials would be fun (IQ) and Quinn means intellegent/wise/counsel. 

I asked Tim what made him think of Jacob and he said at first he was thinking that Ian sounded too much like Evan and Noelan and he has just mixed them up the other day & didn't want to do it more than he did which would've been easy to do if the names all sounded similar. He then was picturing himself holding and talking to the baby and calling him by his name. He said "Hi Jacob" and he felt like it just felt right. 

I asked all the boys what they thought and it was a unanimous "that's a good name, I like it". 

I can't believe it took so long to officially have a name picked out. Very different than any of our other boys. Even with Caleb who we didn't know if he was going to be a boy or girl we actually had 2 boy names picked out (can't even remember the girl name we had) He was either going to be Roman Elijah or Caleb Cordell and Tim said after he was born he was holding him and looking at him and he said "He's definitely Caleb Cordell not Roman Elijah" 

So that's it - one more month until I get to meet this baby boy face to face and hold him and kiss his little cheeks and call him by his name, Jacob. 

Book Club inspired Priority List with my own twist

I wrote this & Posted it in a book club group I'm a part of this Summer but wanted to remember it (and if anyone feels inspired to try it out) so I'm re-posting it into this blog. 

Just wanted to share a little tonight. My boys have been fighting (which I know is normal for siblings) but it was starting to become excessive and about the silliest things. After another night following a whole day of bickering I finally snapped & blew up. Once I got it back together I sat down with all of them at the kitchen table completely blank on how to deal with it in an effective way. I kept praying internally asking what to do and after a few thoughts that didn't stick I thought of the priority list what we did with our husbands. I took a deep breath, got a notebook and pencil and wrote everyone's names down (including my own) and numbered it 1-5 twice under each name. The first list we went around and shared what is important to us, what makes us feel loved, valued etc. (this included playing together, getting  tucked in and prayed with at night, hugs, food haha etc.) Since we did it together, they all heard each other and saw what was important and how they could show each other love...and how I could as well. Then I took it a step further and asked them to name 5 things each that make them feel hurt/sad/angry. This included getting yelled at, being ignored, having to repeat themselves, getting laughed at etc. After each person spoke their lists out I re-read them to stress what hurts them and how we can all try not to do the things on the bottom list and try to do more things on the top list. It took a while to do the whole thing but the whole atmosphere changed, everyone's attitudes improved and everyone was more open and softer (including myself) I hugged each of them and apologized for all the ways I hurt them in the bottom list and then told them I was on their side and wanted them to be happy and how much I loved them. They all apologized to each other as well and ever since things have been so much more peaceful. 

21 weeks and 4 days

There was and still a bit of confusion with my due date and how far along I am. They are sticking with my very first estimated due date of Dec 4th from my OB (even though he referred me here to check since we weren't positive) According to these charts from 2 months ago I'm almost 23 weeks along due around Nov 29th and everything this time measured according to that. Baby boy is around 1lb 3oz and everything looks good. 💙🚹👍

And I passed my 3 hour glucose test

Surprise baby boy

May 22nd 2014 4:39am 

Just woke up from a dream that felt so real about having this baby. So detailed down to weight & name. It was a boy which surprised us in the dream because everyone thought for sure it was going to be a girl & all we had were girls names. I was induced a day before my due date because his breathing/heart rate  was getting cut at different points & they wanted to make sure he would be alright. I remember being a little sad because I knew I could've waited another week without having to be induced & try & go into labor on my own but when I remembered why they did it for his safety I was so thankful. Nobody knew we had him right away and we just enjoyed being together the 3 of us (Tim & I with the new baby) I'm not going to write the name just in case we use it. Tim is not crazy about it for a boys name but I think it could be used for either if you pick the right first or middle name - it means "wise, counsel, intelligent"  The baby was just over 8lbs which felt so big because Noelan was 6 something but he was also a week early. I know there's more but I can't remember. I know dreams aren't always literal but every time I had a dream while pregnant it was always the same gender in the dream so now I really am leaning towards boy and I cannot wait to meet him (or her haha) I won't find out for a couple of more months but it will be interesting to see how this all plays out. Either way I'm praying for protection for me and the babe and knowing everything will be okay in the end...to end on a funny note in the dream, Tim said but he had a couple of girls names that I thought for sure we were going to use...I guess we're going to have more?!?! I said "maybe but I'm getting the IUD as soon as possible again so we're not thinking about that for another few years" hahaha 

Mental Breakdown

I can't handle the emotions and frustration I feel inside. I physically feel myself shaking from the inside out. This is been going in for days and I don't even know who to talk to or how anyone can help. I feel pressures building up of feeling super overwhelmed. Every little thing feels amplified. I'm yelling all day it seems. I know that won't help Noelan's whiny screaming fits. If anything it makes it worse. I want to be outside by myself with nobody saying my name. Just complete silence except maybe the sounds of the ocean or the birds chirping. 

Uglyness Inside

The feeling of unforgiveness rising up in the form of gratification in someone else's pain or misfortune is one that I wish I could say I've never felt. The only good thing right now is that I feel terribly terribly guilty after those thoughts and emotions rose up. That shows me I know right from wrong and that I need to ask God to forgive me and help me work through things I'm obviously still holding onto. 

It's such a gross feeling and one I hope to not experience often. Sadly it's happened two seperate times within one week so I know my heart is not right at all. The first time I shrugged it off as normal, no big deal and that I'm still processing but didn't do anything further. 

Now that it's happened again & on a bigger scale I want to make sure I do something about it and not let it well up and harden my heart even more. 

God, I'm so sorry. Forgive me for holding onto grudges and judgements. Clean out my mind, my emotions and my heart. Replace all the darkness with your love. Purify my heart...Psalm 51. Amen

Psalm 51

Easy-to-Read Version (ERV)

[beacuse this is what I've been reading with the boys at times and it's how I would write it. Simple and straight to the point]

To the director: A song of David written when Nathan the prophet came to him after David’s sin with Bathsheba.

51 God, be merciful to me
    because of your faithful love.
Because of your great compassion,
    erase all the wrongs I have done.
2 Scrub away my guilt.
    Wash me clean from my sin.
3 I know I have done wrong.
    I remember that sin all the time.
4 I did what you said is wrong.
    You are the one I have sinned against.
I say this so that people will know
    that I am wrong and you are right.
    What you decided is fair.
5 I was born to do wrong,
    a sinner before I left my mother’s womb.
6 You want me to be completely loyal,
    so put true wisdom deep inside of me.
7 Remove my sin and make me pure.[a]
    Wash me until I am whiter than snow!
8 Let me hear sounds of joy and happiness again.
    Let the bones you crushed be happy again.
9 Don’t look at my sins.
    Erase them all.
10 God, create a pure heart in me,
    and make my spirit strong again.
11 Don’t push me away
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Your help made me so happy.
    Give me that joy again.
    Make my spirit strong and ready to obey you.
13 I will teach the guilty how you want them to live,
    and the sinners will come back to you.
14 God, spare me from the punishment of death.[b]
    My God, you are the one who saves me!
Let me sing about all the good things you do for me!
15     My Lord, I will open my mouth and sing your praises!
16 You don’t really want sacrifices,
    or I would give them to you.
17 The sacrifice that God wants is a humble spirit.
    God, you will not turn away someone who comes with a humble heart and is willing to obey you.[c]

18 God, please be good to Zion.
    Rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then you can enjoy the kind of sacrifices you want.[d]
    You will receive whole burnt offerings,
    and people will again offer bulls on your altar.

It just takes one

I had a HORRIBLE math home tutor who flat out told me I should've thought about my options and that I had a whole life ahead of me that I was ruining because I was going to have a baby. (mind you I was 7/8 months pregnant at that point) I know she meant well because she saw that I wasn't stupid, but I went from getting straight A's that year, to failing my math final. I know for sure that the majority of that had to do with the fact that I couldn't focus with her around being so opinionated on my life - so I put my guard up. (I guess I still haven't let that go because it still gets me angry when I think about it)

On the other hand I also had Ms. Miller - a strong, compassionate and kind army reserve who even came to my baby shower. She was a great person and I'm thankful I met her.  Then there was Mr. Richardson. He kept pushing me in the best supportive way ever by advising me to take extra credits so I could graduate a half year early with honors. In the middle of that time period, I got married and then had my first son Joshua at 17 years old -  so I was a sleep deprived, newly married teen mom. Exhausted and overwhelmed is an understatement. I so wanted to just do the minimal (and I'm sure I had days when I didn't even want to do that) but I pushed through and completed it! Not many teenage mothers can say they graduated high school, let alone do it early & with honors. I was very fortunate to have a supportive husband, family and friends. I will be forever thankful to the good teachers/home tutors because they really do make a difference. I wish there were more out there. They spend the majority of the time with the kids that are entrusted to them and they can either build them up or tear them down. I've had my share of good and bad teachers but unfortunately the bad & so-so ones outweigh the great ones.  However, I see that just one great teacher can make a whole world of difference. I could've been another statistic but Mr. Richardson saw the potential in me and drew that out and I will always remember him for it. He shared life stories, laughs and his love for mallomars and it's an honor that I met him. I'm so very thankful.

Over the course of time, random things would remind me of him, and his encouragement during a really hard & stressful time of my life. 2003 was the year that Mr. Richardson retired and then moved across country to California to be closer to his family. We've been out of touch for a very long time (over a decade!) and I even tried to google him a few times to thank him. I was really happy that I had the opportunity to see him again a few weeks ago when he came to Long Island for a visit. I saw the outpour of love from his former students and it stressed again how great of a teacher he was and the impact he made in the lives of the ones around him. I want to do the same to those around me. I want to be that one.

Thank you again Mr. Richardson, you are & will always be a great teacher.

Top 10 Events of 2012

There's no order and because I kept putting this off for so long and want to get it over with it won't be the best written reflection of the year.

1. One of the most life changing events for us as a family which took up the majority of the year was finding out I was pregnant (on the day I was going to get my IUD out)
This pregnancy had the most complications being diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes and having to inject insulin before bed to keep my glucose levels down. But through it all came a beautiful addition to our family and we all love him so much!
We're a family of 6!!

2. The Voice - Very very few people know that I went to audition with my mom and J9 for the show, the voice in NYC. I had no expectations and really went to support J9 but got an experience through it all. It was a long cold wait leading up to a nerve wracking audition and I can honestly say that there were a lot of singers who were much worse than me haha. The cool thing was that I was able to sing with my mom which took the edge off but we still forgot the lyrics! I wouldn't do it again but I'm still happy that I took a risk and added another life experience.

3. Family Reunion - We had our semi-annual Farrell Family Reunion at Hoyt Farm over the Summer. I always love being able to spend time with my family, especially the ones who live so far. I hope we do it again soon!

4. Sandy Tragedies - Hurricane Sandy caused so many to lose power, have major damage to their property and even the loss of homes and family members.

5. Tom & Nadine Moving - I had a feeling this would happen because

6. Church Changes - More people left The Bridge, we moved to a place in Babylon and then merged with The Mosaic.

7. Florida/North Carolina Road Trip - Our first family road trip that was't NH. We were able to visit my cousins in NC and see my grandma, aunts & uncles inFL and Lindsay! Tricia was also on vacation there so it was a mini reunion. The boys had fun with their cousins. They did very well for being in the truck for hours ad hours at a time. It's something I hope we do more of.

8. Decade of Marriage - We went to a bed & breakfast a couple of hours North in NY.

9. Pilot - We traded our van for our parent's pilot. It's helped up be able to go on  lot more road trips and not stress about it breaking down at any moment.

10. Piano lessons - Caleb started piano lessons which I'm so happy he's doing because Tim & I can only teach him so much since our knowledge is limited.