Motherhood is hard enough

Sometimes as I'm getting the boys' school work together for the week ahead I get this wave of nausea and a knot in the pit of my stomach. I can't believe I'm on my 3rd year of homeschooling already. Evan is the age that Caleb started & I'm about to have a teenage son next month!! Where have the years gone?! The majority of the time I feel like this has been the best decision for my family. I've seen growth and progress in so many areas - then there are other times like tonight when I get that wave and feeling in my stomach and I'm like "what the heck am I doing?!? - are they learning enough, are they doing enough - am I failing them?" It would be so much easier in ways to pass the pressure onto the public schools. 

Sometimes I don't know if I'm doing enough specifically for Caleb because when he was in public school he was excelling and compteting in spelling bees and getting awards & certificates. His progress seemed effortless even though he never loved school. It's so hard not to compare and second guess every day. Motherhood is hard enough. Adding homeschooling on top brings it to a whole other level of insecurity & self-doubt. 

Then I have Joshua, whose last year of middle school work is this year. Next year he starts high school and we have to start his high school transcript. Oh man, just thinking about that stuff makes me feel sick. Again, on top of dealing with the fact that I have an almost teenager who's on the last few years of school until he graduates - then figuring out what he wants to do in the years that follow. Aye. 

I don't know how to really shake those feelings. I know it's a regular part of parenting. Watching your children grow and hoping that you instilled enough into them to carry them through becoming a self-suffient man (or woman) 

I see the good that has come from homeschooling and we have met a lot of nice & encouraging people along the way -  Some whose kids are in or have already graduated from college (which gives me hope) 

One of the things that helps calm my nerves a bit is looking around and knowing that even when people finish school, & get a job... or change jobs...multiple jobs - they're not even sure if that's what they want to be doing the rest of their lives or if they even wanted it in the first place. 

For me, I've known that I always wanted to be a mom (& wife) so I am actually doing what I love even though there's no income from it (which is a whole other topic) If I can remind myself of that and be the best I can be and love and encourage my kids to be the best they can be & go after what they're passionate about then I think it will be okay. I'm reminded of the quote:

"Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

- Howard Thurman

So that's what I'll continue to try and remind myself even time I start to get that knot in my stomach and questioning "am I doing enough?" Nobody has it all figured out and even if I mess up tremendously, I have to have done something right through the years that will help the boys stay grounded and excel in one way or another.....even if the only thing they ever learn from me is to love deeply then I'm okay with that.