Day In & Out - My current prayer and beginning of a song

When things are weighing heavy on my heart
When the days are in a fog
When life keeps passing before my eyes
I will choose to worship You God

You are Worthy
You are more than what my feelings say
You are Holy
Here is where I want to stay

...and say...

You are Worthy
You are more than what my feelings say
You are Holy
Here is where I want to stay

Day in & out, I lift my eyes to You
Day in & out, I give my heart to You

...and say...

You are Worthy
You are more than what my feelings say
You are Holy
Here is where I want to stay

Trust vs. Faith (an old saved draft)

I was watching a show a few weeks ago and a line caught my attention "Trust is difficult without proof." (-Victoria from Revenge haha)  I was thinking about how much I felt like I agreed and related to that view...and what made me feel not so great about it was that she is one of the 'bad guys'.

As I sat there I also started thinking about 'faith' & what I know to be true: " Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I know the first quote is just from a TV show butthe way trust was spoken about seemed like the complete opposite of what faith is - But I really feel like those two words/actions are not as opposite as I felt in that moment. These thoughts stayed in the back of my mind for weeks until now...as I sit here at one o'clock in the morning when I really would love to be sleeping but just couldn't get my mind to stop and rest. So i looked each word up and just as I thought, the words are connected:

Faith is COMPLETE Trust of confidence in someone or something. &Trust is the belief that someone or something is reliable, good, honest, effective - or an assured reliance on the charter, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.

As I read those definitions I realized that I am a long way off from my healing process. I thought maybe by sitting here, I would have an 'a-ha' moment and I would start trusting everyone around me and everything would be sunshine and wild flowers and I'd be running through the field with my arms open wide, head back soaking in the sun, laughing and spinning in freedom. hahahaha Instead I'm sitting in my dark bedroom with the glare of the computer screen being my only source of light as I look at a whole bunch of words and jumbled thoughts that I'm still trying to piece together, trying to make sense of it all and figure out how to move forward and get to that free place in my head that I pictured just before.

Opening yourself up when you've been hurt over and over again feels near impossible. I know I've learned things over the years & I know I've grown - But I'm at a place right now where I feel kind of stuck. I have my feet glued to what feels like thick black sticky tar and I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to move forward and get unstuck. I feel like the ability to trust those around me would be the thing that will help me move forward in the direction I want to go. 

Instead I hear "faith, hope and love"

1 Corinthians 13:13 (MSG) Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

It makes no sense to want to open up to people around me (& I feel rightfully so) when in my head I know that there's going to be plenty more pain to come. Is the wise thing to move forward with caution? Open up slowly? Right now, yes I think it is for me. In the show, you're beginning to see why Victoria is the way she is, and the situations and painful life events that formed her into who she is now. **

Romans 10:17 The Message (MSG)14-17 But how can people call for help if they don’t know who to trust? And how can they know who to trust if they haven’t heard of the One who can be trusted? And how can they hear if nobody tells them? And how is anyone going to tell them, unless someone is sent to do it? That’s why Scripture exclaims,A sight to take your breath away!Grand processions of people    telling all the good things of God!But not everybody is ready for this, ready to see and hear and act. Isaiah asked what we all ask at one time or another: “Does anyone care, God? Is anyone listening and believing a word of it?” The point is: Before you trust, you have to listen. But unless Christ’s Word is preached, there’s nothing to listen to.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

1 Corinthians 13:7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

**I never finished this or posted this all for some reason but I could still completely relate as I re-read it so I will add this & then post: Let this be a wake up call for me to keep moving forward even when I know that life is messy and pain is part of the process of loving and being loved. Help me to put my faith, my COMPLETE trust in You God, that you have my back and will never hurt me. Lead me to the places You want me to go, lead me to the people and relationships that will be life giving for all involved and even when things get messy, Help me to put my faith/complete trust that You will be there every step of the way to mend the brokenness, pour out mercy & bring redemption. I love you Jesus. 

A Good Father

Yesterday I asked Caleb to do his chore which was to sweep the floor. He kept saying he was done when there was clearly stuff still on the floor. After about the 10th time...I don't even think that's an exaggeration, Tim stepped in and sent Caleb to his room. About 5-10 minutes later he told him to come out and go with him because he was going to teach him a lesson. I could tell Caleb was shut down and Tim was frustrated so I was hoping things wouldn't get worse. They went in the car and drove off. Josh says "Dad's probably going to buy Caleb something." Evan chimes in "yea like a broom! Haha" I say "no, why would he buy him something when he wasn't listening and dad was upset?" About 30-40 minutes later they come back home. Tim had a Home Depot bag with rubber feet so the coffee table won't keep scratching the floor and Caleb walked in with an Air Hog remote stunt copter. Josh yells "Seeeee!!!!!" (He knows his daddy) Later on I ask Tim (and then Caleb) what they talked about/did while they were gone and they both said the same thing: Tim asked why he doesn't listen, Caleb responded that he tries but has a lot going on in his head , they ran Tim's errand and then Tim asked Caleb if he wanted anything. Caleb responded that he left his money at home and Tim said "it's on me" Caleb responds "I thought you were going to teach me a lesson?" Tim replies back "I am, I'm teaching you that even though you don't listen at times I still love you - I'm not rewarding you for not listening - I'm getting this because I love you and want you to remember that. Plus, we haven't spent one on one time in a while" 

Those of you who know me, know that I think Tim is one of the very best dads I know. He's not perfect - nobody is, but I  am so thankful for him and the love he demonstrates to all of us. Once again, Tim's actions & words made me reflect on God's love for me: Even when I don't deserve it, even when I don't do what I'm supposed to be doing or when I do things half heartedly, even when I tune Him out, he STILL loves me. He wants to spend one on one time & lavish me. 

Matthew 7:11 

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"

(The cherry on top was that this toy was usually a $60 item and they got it for $15 because it was no longer sold in the store - yay haha) 

Motherhood is hard enough

Sometimes as I'm getting the boys' school work together for the week ahead I get this wave of nausea and a knot in the pit of my stomach. I can't believe I'm on my 3rd year of homeschooling already. Evan is the age that Caleb started & I'm about to have a teenage son next month!! Where have the years gone?! The majority of the time I feel like this has been the best decision for my family. I've seen growth and progress in so many areas - then there are other times like tonight when I get that wave and feeling in my stomach and I'm like "what the heck am I doing?!? - are they learning enough, are they doing enough - am I failing them?" It would be so much easier in ways to pass the pressure onto the public schools. 

Sometimes I don't know if I'm doing enough specifically for Caleb because when he was in public school he was excelling and compteting in spelling bees and getting awards & certificates. His progress seemed effortless even though he never loved school. It's so hard not to compare and second guess every day. Motherhood is hard enough. Adding homeschooling on top brings it to a whole other level of insecurity & self-doubt. 

Then I have Joshua, whose last year of middle school work is this year. Next year he starts high school and we have to start his high school transcript. Oh man, just thinking about that stuff makes me feel sick. Again, on top of dealing with the fact that I have an almost teenager who's on the last few years of school until he graduates - then figuring out what he wants to do in the years that follow. Aye. 

I don't know how to really shake those feelings. I know it's a regular part of parenting. Watching your children grow and hoping that you instilled enough into them to carry them through becoming a self-suffient man (or woman) 

I see the good that has come from homeschooling and we have met a lot of nice & encouraging people along the way -  Some whose kids are in or have already graduated from college (which gives me hope) 

One of the things that helps calm my nerves a bit is looking around and knowing that even when people finish school, & get a job... or change jobs...multiple jobs - they're not even sure if that's what they want to be doing the rest of their lives or if they even wanted it in the first place. 

For me, I've known that I always wanted to be a mom (& wife) so I am actually doing what I love even though there's no income from it (which is a whole other topic) If I can remind myself of that and be the best I can be and love and encourage my kids to be the best they can be & go after what they're passionate about then I think it will be okay. I'm reminded of the quote:

"Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

- Howard Thurman

So that's what I'll continue to try and remind myself even time I start to get that knot in my stomach and questioning "am I doing enough?" Nobody has it all figured out and even if I mess up tremendously, I have to have done something right through the years that will help the boys stay grounded and excel in one way or another.....even if the only thing they ever learn from me is to love deeply then I'm okay with that. 

Bus Driver Dream & Homeschooling

Something has been stirring inside of me for quite some time and I keep pushing it down because "I have too much to do" I've missed writing and tonight I thought I was just going to push through and write about something from a few weeks ago - but as I signed on here, I realized I had multiple accounts that I didn't even remember creating. One was for daily life, the ins and outs and mostly boring accounts of what was going on haha. Another was a weight loss journal...that only had 2 posts in ha again & the last, besides this one, was a dream journal.

I know God can and does speak through dreams. He did in the bible and still does today. I've been on and off journaling my dreams before I even thought about that aspect. Some dreams I knew what the meaning was right away and why I had them - other dreams just felt weird and confusing. A huge part of Tim and I reconnecting and getting married about 13 years ago was because of a dream...actually a couple and I am so thankful for that. I don't even want to imagine life without him in it.

Anyways...I was skimming though a few of the dreams I had and I came across one about being a bus driver on 4/1/10 [three years before I started homeschooling] This is the dream (errors and all because most of the time I was still half sleeping): "I got a job as a school bus driver. One of the times I went to start I was 3 hours late. I got yelled at by a woman boss. Another rime I forgot that Caleb wouldn't have anyone to pick him up and he was stranded alone. I didn't know how I wa going to combine the two things: motherhood and school bus driving. Tim worked with me to figure out a schedule. He helped me buckle the boys on the bus so I could start my route on time. The more the dream went on the smoother eveything was and the more favor with the bu company I had.
The woman boss was telling me about her relationhips by a staircase.

I know people can (& probably will) roll their eyes and say dreams are just dreams, they don't mean anything or you can make anything mean what you want them to mean - but when I just re-read this I couldn't help think about how I'm homeschooling now and that I'm in charge of getting my boys to get their education. I'm in that driver's seat. I still don't know what the whole dream means but I can definitely relate to the line "I didn't know how I wa going to combine the two things: motherhood and school bus driving" Sometimes I still don't. I feel comforted though that I had this dream 3 YEARS before I even started homeschooling. I can rest in the fact that He is aware and wants me to know that He knows things before they even happen & I can trust & rely on Him. He's always faithful and always good. & on my really really bad homeschooling days, I'll have to remind myself of this part of the dream: "The more the dream went on the smoother everything was" I'm still learning the ins and outs of this homeschool thing. I always thought we started because of our crappy district, horrible experiences with the teacher and staff...not to mention some of the injustices we dealt with over the years - but now I can truly say that I'm confident in our desicion because I believe God was & is in this for *our family too.

*I know this isn't for everyone & this is in no way a post about how I think this is the only right way

Keeping it together

The last month or so my emotions have been all over the place - I blame it on the hormones post baby. They've started to stabilize finally & thankfully because I hated not feeling like myself. Yesterday I took my boys to my 6 week check up at my OB. 

They don't have issues bringing the kids and I usually pack some school work, dry erase games, DSs, snacks etc. etc. etc. Over my whole pregnancy the receptionist has told me multiple times how well behaved my boys are and how other patients have commented when I left about how impressed they were about my boys. I didn't hate hearing that haha :) 

The majority of the time I was in and out with a half hour. Sometimes I'd get lucky and it would take only 15 minutes. When I walked into the office I had a bad feeling because there was already a few people sitting there (and it's a small office with just the one doctor) Jacob was screaming because he hates the car but I got him out of the car seat and calmed him down pretty quickly. Noelan was kind of zoned out from just waking up because he fell asleep on the ride there (but then had to be transferred into the stroller in the cold) The older boys started grabbing stuff out of the bag I packed & started quietly playing. Shortly after a few more people came in & some of them had kids with them. One couple had a girl about 4 years old or so and another couple had two boys around Evan's age give or take a couple of years. 

Another lady and guy walk in a little after and asks the receptionist if it was alright that she was 15 mins late. 

This didn't look good for my wait time even more so. I had confidence that I packed enough to entertain and occupy everyone though. I usually leave Noelan strapped in the stroller since I'm in and out for the most part. This time I took him out because I knew it was going to be a while and figured he could stretch his legs out before I had to put him back in when I went back to get my check up. 

Time had passed and all the kids were being really good, not just my own. During that time the last woman that walked in kept huffing and puffing about the kids being there loudly under her breath. First she expressed how they shouldn't be there, then didn't understand why they weren't in school like they were supposed to be. She counted each adult out loud and then the amount of kids. I understood that she was frustrated with having to wait so long  - I don't think anyone there was happy about it but they weren't grumbling and displacing their frustrations onto other people there (which only made it worse in my opinion) 

While this was all going on, I was getting more and more angry inside and thinking of different ways I wanted to go off on her. I was egging myself on but kept quiet each time she opened her mouth. I blame some of that on my hormones haha I wanted to ask why it bothered her so much. I wanted to defend the kids and say how quiet they were being and more well behaved than she was being. I really wanted to snap and yell at her but I knew that wouldn't so anyone any good except make the wait even worse. Her last two comments put me over the edge. She said something along the lines of "I know where these kids should be and it involves the time between 8 & 3 and a big yellow bus" Then she went onto say a little later "this is the future of America, sitting in a gynecologist waiting room instead of getting an education" 

She also said something along the lines of "it's my birthday and here I am on my lunch break surrounded by kids and there's no good reason for them to be here" 

Finally I spoke up and said "would you like me to explain why my kids are here, would it make you feel better knowing the reason?" 

She smirked and said "no not really" 

Probably surprised that someone finally said something and also wondering why it took so long like she was waiting for some conflict. 

I said "well I'm going to tell you anyways" & proceeded to tell her that the reason my kids were there & not in public school  was so that they would get a proper education. I told her how I pulled them out 2 years ago and the events that led up to that point. She listened and apologized without really saying sorry. She said she understands now why my kids were there but not everyone else's (which I still don't know the reasoning either) so I responded "me either, but everyone has a story and you're not going to agree or even know them all so it's not great to be so quick to judge" I added "I'm sorry you're sitting here on your birthday instead of being in and out - quick appointments are my favorite" 

Two people got called within the time of our conversation and she told the receptionist "you're killing me!" 

But during our conversation she softened a lot and I did know she was just frustrated because she didn't want to spend her whole lunch break in the waiting room. I think she just wanted someone to acknowledge that...although she was the one who made the appointment in the first place haha (but again I don't know her whole story and why she did - there's prob more to it than makes sense to me as an outsider) my name got called so I told the receptionist to let her go ahead and she said "are you sure?" And I responded "yea, it's her birthday" The receptionist responded "oh yeaaaa that's right! Ok, she's giving up her spot for you" She thanked me and went in. She was in there for a good 1/2 hour at least and when she came out she thanked me and left. By this time I was at the doctor for over 2 & a half hours. The crazy thing was that by the time I went in, I was in and out within 10-15 mins. 

I'm so glad I was able to keep it together and I hope she saw Jesus in me (because I know what was really inside of me and the way I responded was the opposite of how I was feeling) I know some may not feel like she deserved a calm response to the way she was acting but I also know that I don't deserve the mercy that God has given me over and over again...And I'm so thankful for the grace he gave me to handle that day. He's the One that's keeping me together. 

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17