It just takes one

I had a HORRIBLE math home tutor who flat out told me I should've thought about my options and that I had a whole life ahead of me that I was ruining because I was going to have a baby. (mind you I was 7/8 months pregnant at that point) I know she meant well because she saw that I wasn't stupid, but I went from getting straight A's that year, to failing my math final. I know for sure that the majority of that had to do with the fact that I couldn't focus with her around being so opinionated on my life - so I put my guard up. (I guess I still haven't let that go because it still gets me angry when I think about it)

On the other hand I also had Ms. Miller - a strong, compassionate and kind army reserve who even came to my baby shower. She was a great person and I'm thankful I met her.  Then there was Mr. Richardson. He kept pushing me in the best supportive way ever by advising me to take extra credits so I could graduate a half year early with honors. In the middle of that time period, I got married and then had my first son Joshua at 17 years old -  so I was a sleep deprived, newly married teen mom. Exhausted and overwhelmed is an understatement. I so wanted to just do the minimal (and I'm sure I had days when I didn't even want to do that) but I pushed through and completed it! Not many teenage mothers can say they graduated high school, let alone do it early & with honors. I was very fortunate to have a supportive husband, family and friends. I will be forever thankful to the good teachers/home tutors because they really do make a difference. I wish there were more out there. They spend the majority of the time with the kids that are entrusted to them and they can either build them up or tear them down. I've had my share of good and bad teachers but unfortunately the bad & so-so ones outweigh the great ones.  However, I see that just one great teacher can make a whole world of difference. I could've been another statistic but Mr. Richardson saw the potential in me and drew that out and I will always remember him for it. He shared life stories, laughs and his love for mallomars and it's an honor that I met him. I'm so very thankful.

Over the course of time, random things would remind me of him, and his encouragement during a really hard & stressful time of my life. 2003 was the year that Mr. Richardson retired and then moved across country to California to be closer to his family. We've been out of touch for a very long time (over a decade!) and I even tried to google him a few times to thank him. I was really happy that I had the opportunity to see him again a few weeks ago when he came to Long Island for a visit. I saw the outpour of love from his former students and it stressed again how great of a teacher he was and the impact he made in the lives of the ones around him. I want to do the same to those around me. I want to be that one.

Thank you again Mr. Richardson, you are & will always be a great teacher.

Top 10 Events of 2012

There's no order and because I kept putting this off for so long and want to get it over with it won't be the best written reflection of the year.

1. One of the most life changing events for us as a family which took up the majority of the year was finding out I was pregnant (on the day I was going to get my IUD out)
This pregnancy had the most complications being diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes and having to inject insulin before bed to keep my glucose levels down. But through it all came a beautiful addition to our family and we all love him so much!
We're a family of 6!!

2. The Voice - Very very few people know that I went to audition with my mom and J9 for the show, the voice in NYC. I had no expectations and really went to support J9 but got an experience through it all. It was a long cold wait leading up to a nerve wracking audition and I can honestly say that there were a lot of singers who were much worse than me haha. The cool thing was that I was able to sing with my mom which took the edge off but we still forgot the lyrics! I wouldn't do it again but I'm still happy that I took a risk and added another life experience.

3. Family Reunion - We had our semi-annual Farrell Family Reunion at Hoyt Farm over the Summer. I always love being able to spend time with my family, especially the ones who live so far. I hope we do it again soon!

4. Sandy Tragedies - Hurricane Sandy caused so many to lose power, have major damage to their property and even the loss of homes and family members.

5. Tom & Nadine Moving - I had a feeling this would happen because

6. Church Changes - More people left The Bridge, we moved to a place in Babylon and then merged with The Mosaic.

7. Florida/North Carolina Road Trip - Our first family road trip that was't NH. We were able to visit my cousins in NC and see my grandma, aunts & uncles inFL and Lindsay! Tricia was also on vacation there so it was a mini reunion. The boys had fun with their cousins. They did very well for being in the truck for hours ad hours at a time. It's something I hope we do more of.

8. Decade of Marriage - We went to a bed & breakfast a couple of hours North in NY.

9. Pilot - We traded our van for our parent's pilot. It's helped up be able to go on  lot more road trips and not stress about it breaking down at any moment.

10. Piano lessons - Caleb started piano lessons which I'm so happy he's doing because Tim & I can only teach him so much since our knowledge is limited.

9 months

Our family stopped regularly going to church 9 months ago. As someone who grew up raised in a Christian household and went to church pretty much every Sunday for as far back as I can remember, it's been such a weird and uncomfortable season for me. This change didn't happen overnight. I feel like it was in the works for the last few years. I have quite a few blogs like one of the last I finally/recently posted  (http://wwwcandicecom.blogspot.com/2012/07/i-don-know-when-i-got-bitter.html) that are still sitting as 'drafts'. As I go back and re-read them I can finally see some of the process of why I got to where I am/was.

9 months... Noelan will be 9 months on Friday (which is also Tim and my 11 year wedding anniversary - yay!) It's been easy to track how long we haven't been going regularly because it started the weekend Noelan was born. Unlike the rest of my babies I wasn't back in church within the next 2 weeks (for Evan, I was back to church a few days later haha - but he was also a Summer baby)

This winter was a terrible cold/flu season and Noelan was born right in the middle of it. It actually made me a little sad because a lot of friends and family missed the first few months of his life because they were sick and they didn't want to spread germs which I really really do appreciate!! Noelan was so tiny and he had fought a bunch of congestion issues and I didn't want to add to that. I felt isolated & sad at times but I still tried to connect with people one on one.

It was also a busy work season for Tim. He was working late during the week & then almost every Saturday. Sunday really became our day of rest. We used those mornings to have breakfast or brunch together. We would spend much needed quality time as a family, playing games, going on walks or just talking together. It was really what we needed. A much needed break from the daily grind - even from church because besides being raised in the church, Tim and I had been very involved since we were super young. Tim had lead worship since he was around 17 not just on Sunday mornings but he lead kinship group and youth group. I did children's ministry for a while by default when my boys were younger because there wasn't anybody else at the time & I was going to be there with my own kids anyway. Tim & I lead youth group on and off for many years as well.  I remember putting together a youth lesson to teach when I was in 7th or 8th grade and feeling kind of silly because there were a few people who were older than me in the group at the time haha But I know that helped us become better leaders as we got older. So that was the last decade of our lives...every Sunday, Wednesday, some Thursdays, Saturdays etc. plus adding the days and nights spent prepping for whatever we were going to lead, teach, worship with etc. (oh yea and having a full time job and raising 3 wild at heart boys)

Once lots of change happened towards the end of "The Bridge" and people cut off relationships as they moved on to different things it deeply hurt Tim & I. It made us question why we invested so much time and energy with people who didn't love us the same way we loved them. I still have relationships with people who have moved away and gone onto different seasons of life and we may not talk every single day but we can still keep in touch and catch up once and a while so why was this different? These were people I knew since I was younger than Joshua's age & I raised my boys in the same place - almost 20 year relationships.

When it came time to have Noelan we were definitely not as involved as we once were, but we were still leading worship once a month while trying to heal emotionally and figure out if we wanted to do this all over again... - Short answer is no...but it's so much more complex than that. (which I know means I'll have to follow up with another post)  Plus it makes all the people at the church we were at seem like they weren't worth our time and love and that's not what I mean AT ALL. There are old relationships there that mean more than I can even express right now & newer relationships that involved people who I knew genuinely loved deep & I felt like I knew for a lifetime. So that's why it's such a complex thing for me. Every time I see that group of people or get to spend time with anyone there it's bittersweet because my heart is happy and full but I miss them. They are some of the most generous, loving, passionate, hospitable people I have ever known. I'm so sorry to those of you that I hurt in our process. We didn't want to do what was done to us and I am so so so very sorry. It was never my intention. I love you guys very much and I've tried to maintain as many relationships as possible throughout this time but it's been difficult. 

So here I am 9 months later...9 months. That's how long it took for Noelan to grow and develop inside of me before he was ready to be born and start a new life here on the outside. So I think I'm hoping and praying that the same will happen for me. I've grown and developed in the last 9 months but I'm ready for transition - and a fresh new life. 

Birthday 'Blog' from my mom + Sarah's post

Sarah: I wanted to take a minute to celebrate this amazing day. 28 years ago one of the most amazing women in the world was born. I don't know what I would do without my sister.Candice is the most selfless, compassionate, loving person. She truly makes the world a happier place. She is always there for me and always has been whenever I needed it. No matter how far away we are, we will be close. I'm so proud to not only call her my sister, but my best friend. I hope you have the best birthday yet. You DESERVE it!! I love you more than you'll ever know. Words will never be enough to express how thankful I am 

Mommy: Continuation... 28 years ago TODAY at about 6:30 in the morning I went into the hospital to be induced - I was over 2 weeks late for my 1st baby- I was so excited that I barely slept- or maybe it was the Mexican food I ate lol
I had so many thoughts and emotions that I was so overwhelmed (but determined to hold it together and not curse my husband out in the delivery room like all of the stories I had heard ) lol
We arrived and they prepped me -they gave me a drug called pitocin which put you into labor- they didn't tell me it was almost immediate hard labor- the feeling was like the movie Alien- like something was going to rip out of your body- I was supposed to have her natural but there was nothing natural about that pain- MY GOD!!!
Speaking of God I wasn't very religious at the time but man did I learn how to pray fast! I made all of the usual " if you get me through this I will..." type of desperate promises that you make to God when you're in need. Lol
The labor was so hard that the spikes from the contractions were off the charts- no little peaks but lines that went to the top of the page across and then down- I remember that I kept saying "I still love you to John" because everyone said I would hate him haha! I remember them breaking my water which was weird and gross but at least I knew I was getting closer- every "inspection" was so freakin' painful as if you needed someone probing around during some of the most excruciating pain of your life!
Breathing was a joke and so was the focal point that they had you look at - mine was a little stuffed animal that I finally was like " forget it John- I can't look at that thing anymore-please get it out of my face"
I just looked at the tiny holes in the ceiling tiles and started counting them. Also there was a nice nurse who had beautiful blue eyes and sometimes I would look at them. She was wearing Jean Nate perfume and although I normally wouldn't mind the smell- at this point it was making me nauseous - I was freezing- shivering felt like puking this was horrible!! And feeling like this being was going to explode out of my stomach- and yes I know where babies come from- lol
It was a military hospital so there were people being trained- I felt like the whole world had seen me naked- it was so humbling- although I was a twig and in shape (because I exercised right up until the end ha!) To be that disciplined again!! Still very embarrassing and an invasion of my privacy 
Anyway ... Hours had passed by and I wasn't dilating fast enough - next thing you know everyone started panicking and I heard them saying C-section - I know it's pathetic but because I was doing this natural all I could think of is that this seems good to me as long as they "knock me out " this pain. would end. I asked what was going on and they said your baby is in fetal distress - the heart rate is dropping and we need to do an emergency C- section - I asked if they were going to " put me under " anesthesia and they said yes - I was relieved and scared. They were scurrying around panicked and that didn't make me feel so secure about what was going on but Hey- what choice did I have? Finally they told me to count backwards from 10 and I was out...
What I didn't know was that Candice was doing so bad that they had called a priest for last rites because they didn't know if she would make it. She was bruised and purple- swollen - trying to come out but couldn't - the pressure had caused her heart rate to drop and I believe at one point the cord was around her neck -God this poor baby had been through so much!
I had woken up finally, my throat sore from the tube they put down it- and they said " it's a girl" I was like " that's nice" all dozey. When I finally got to hold her I thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world! This baby was a life changer- instantaneous love and adoration.
I wasn't going to nurse because I didn't want more pain-or my boobs to sag - yes - I was self centered then -lol
But Candice would not take the bottle so I ended up nursing- the best forced decision I ever made lol
The C- section was painful, the labor was a nightmare, nursing was ouch! More pain- but it is true! All of it is forgotten when that love you feel for that baby invades your heart ️
So miraculous!!! So beautiful!!
Life!! Ahhh the wonder of it all.
I am sooooo thankful for that horrible / wonderful day!! My world was rocked and it began the journey to motherhood.
CaCandice Rose FowlerBorn. 4:30 pm Sept 4, 1985
7lbs 4 oz -20 and 1/4 inches long - I am soooo glad you were born. You have become such a magnificent person- a beautiful woman so caring, loving, compassionate, sweet ,generous, kind hearted etc etc
A true joy to be around. I love you my baby girl!!!
️
Have a Happy 28th Birthday!!!!
Cya in a little bit 

Evan's last night as a 5 year old

JUST got Evan down to sleep after getting home from grocery shopping and him being awake. We looked at old pictures together and he popped his last balloon which was hanging on his bedroom door as a birthday countdown. I have so much to do before his birthday party on Friday but tonight I just focus on decorating & gift wrapping and tomorrow we enjoy the day together and I'll finish up my final do to list tomorrow night. 

Goodnight Evan O on your last sleep as a 5 year old. Tomorrow you wake up 6!! 

Time stand still

I'm such an emotional mess right now as I think about Evan's 6th birthday coming up on Thursday. He was my baby baby for a long time and now he's a sweet compassionate loving older brother. There's so many times where I wanted time to speed up like the movie 'Click' but I'm really really feeling how quickly time flies and I'm wanting to hit the pause button now.

I'm so proud of my boys and all the milestones they've made over the years. They're amazing and I love them so much. I don't want any of them to get any older than they are right now haha  but I know that's part of life. They're going to hit even more milestones over the next years. There's going to be lots more firsts to come and I'm going to enjoy that process as well. 

But I do miss Joshua's cute funny face when he was about 9-10 months old and would try to make us laugh. I miss little Caleb singing the ABCs and then ending it in his hardcore yell with his tiny voice when he was a couple of years old. I miss early mornings when Josh and Caleb went to school and Evan would snuggle me on the couch. I miss Joshua asking my parents "Got sumpin to eat?" After sliding down the stairs on his belly. I miss watching Caleb's eyes light up when he would watch his daddy play basketball and knowing he wanted to join in even though he couldn't walk yet. I miss Evan's big gummy smile along his big blue eyes that still melt me to this day. And I'm already missing Noelan's super tiny fingers and toes and the funny sound he made when he breathed when he was a few months old. I miss all of the first smirks, first giggles, first rolls, first messy baby food faces, first crawls... 

I know Noelan is still a baby but I see how big he's getting so fast. & I'm so proud of him already! 4 more months and my baby is 1 already. What?!? There's no more newborns here anymore :(  

But I don't want to get ahead of myself. I want to savor each moment, each kiss, each snuggle, each "I love you" as they happen with each one of my boys (including Tim) I am incredibly thankful for my family. I love them so much. I'm going to pause my thinking ahead, wipe my tears away from the missed memories and really really take in where I'm at... My heart is full - Life is Good. 

You know better than I

After a 3 month long process and a whole bunch of waiting from the beginning to now, Tim got his result letter from the union job he applied for. It basically said that this year is filled but there's a possibility that he will get selected next Sept but we won't get a letter until next Aug 2014 to know for sure. So we wait some more. At first I was relived because we don't have a second vehicle and I was not looking forward to dragging 4 kids out of bed at 3:30/4 in the morning to beat traffic on two different days so I could have the truck to make it to Noelan's 9 month check up and Caleb's eye appointment and then have to sit in traffic to pick Tim up from work and drive home. But I wanted the letter to say he definitely got in next year not "IF you get selected"

We started watching Joseph King of Dreams while Tim was out celebrating Jonny's birthday with the guys and I dozed off because it was a long tiring day. I woke up and the song "You know better than I" was playing. I felt like it was exactly what I needed to hear. A really good reminder that God does know what's best for us and the timing as well. Am I still frustrated, definitely. Do I like not knowing what's going to happen a year from now and how to prepare for it? Absolutely not haha 

But I do know that if I let go of the feeling of needing control, I feel a whole lot better (& hopeful). It's going to be a process and lots of ups and downs of emotions. Even though Tim has a good chance of getting in next Aug, it's not a sure thing. We don't know what's next and what we're going to do in the mean time but like a wise man Tom Z would remind us, we do know that God is good & God loves us...

You know better than I:

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

Chorus 1:
You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing
I don't know is part of getting through
I tried to do what's best
But faith has made it easy
To see the best thing i can do
Is to put my trust in You.

Chorus 2
For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

Coda:
I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who taught that bird to fly
If i let You reach me
Will You teach me.
(Repeat Chorus )

For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I