Search Me, Know Me

Psalm 139:23-24 (New Living Translation)

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

I'm definitely aware of a few things that I need to work through and let go of.
But I know there's so much more in there that needs to be brought to the surface and dealt with head on.
As I got through things I know most of the issues are from a while ago. So even though I'm hurt right then and there and whatever situation may be causing the pain, I know if I look a little deeper there's been a very similar situation that gets brought up as well. So then I have to process both. So I can stuff it down and then next time - have 3 things to deal with.

Me and Tim got in a little tiff or whatever you want to call it. He wasn't talking and I said "We were just fine...What.. now you hate me???" (yes extreme I know) Tim wrote me a note later on and one of the parts said "That's not even close to the truth. I would hope that you'd know that by now." I wrote him back something different regarding the other part of the note he wrote but I left dealing with this right away. The next day I brought it up and said that I was thinking of what he wrote and saying that he hoped that I'd know that by now. I had to tell him, as much as it may hurt him, I don't know that. Most of my life, affection, love, affirmation was shown only when I was doing a good job. And when I was a mess, I was mad at.

I say it allllll the time - but I'm already aware of what's wrong with me (most of the time)
I know I'm overweight and I know that I don't keep the house in order. I know that I lose my temper more then I would like to. I know that I don't value time with certain people as much as I should. I know that I hold on to grudges, take up 3rd party offenses (and of course my own) , gossip, don't use my time wisely....and the list could go on and on and on...

When people get upset with me for stuff that I'm already upset with myself about...it's like double pain to work through - which I don't know how to do most of the time.

I've been going through a lot lately. It's only the beginning of March and I can't even imagine how much more change and difficulties I'm going to be faced with for the other 9 months. I know that's a very negative way to look at it. I do see so much good going on as well. But right now, the bad outweighs the good - but I'm hoping that will turn around soon.

I know what you focus on you empower. And my focus has not been on the right things.
I was doing really well a few months ago. I was reading and praying, I was losing weight and I felt like I was making progress. I wasn't trying anymore - I was just doing. I feel just like an addict who relapses. All the progress with my weight is gone. I have to start ALL over again. It's upsetting. I KNOW my weight is a reflection on what's going on inside of me. I haven't been dealing with my feelings - hurt, anger, disappointment etc. - I've been clinging to my false comfort of food which makes me feel worse.

The hard thing is that I love food, and always have. I love to cook and create. I love savoring each bite and deciding which flavor I want to be my last. I've ALWAYS been like that. So how do I separate my love for food with my LOVE for food.

Again I know the issues I'm going through is not based on my weight and that's only a consequence of not dealing with things properly. Some I know was getting advice from a counselor and I told them "When you learn how to deal with stuff, fill me in too"

Yes I need more love - and not from Tim (although that's always nice)
I'm a mess and I know it.
I know I'll always be a mess in one or another but I want to deal with things as they come up and not make more to deal with later. I know God knows my heart. (more then I know my own heart) I just need His help.