Slacking...

I've been slacking with writing. However I haven't been slacking on reading the daily scriptures. It may not be a long lengthy "God Time" but it's better then what I was doing last year. There were a lot of good, helpful and encouraging scriptures. I was reminded of the Fruits of the Spirit with I definitely know I need to work on. Every single one!

Anyway, today's verse is...
“For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”- Romans 6:23

This is one of those verses that I've heard and recited many many many times.
It still feels repetitive to me today. I know that we're sinners and I know that we should all go to Hell. But because Jesus gave his life for us, our 'debt' is paid off. And we can live forever because of Jesus and with Him.

I don't really feel like writing anymore. But I will continue reading, continue working on me and growing and trying to reach my 'destiny'

ok I changed my mind.
So tonight, I made these really yummy potatoes...and I didn't stop at 2 like everyone else...I ate them ALL. Like 6 or 7.
I felt so so sick as I was eating them. I wasn't emotional. I had a great night last night. I had a fine day today. Nothing bad. I feel bad now that I did that tonight. That self hatred is back in full force. I don't like when I lose the battle of self-control.
But I still don't understand why I did that to myself. I was totally out of control and I knew what I was doing and just didn't stop.
I don't know what the root of that is.
Well I'm going to go hang out with Tim now. And prepare for my busy day tomorrow.
And "Beat myself up with a feather"

Search Me, Know Me

Psalm 139:23-24 (New Living Translation)

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

I'm definitely aware of a few things that I need to work through and let go of.
But I know there's so much more in there that needs to be brought to the surface and dealt with head on.
As I got through things I know most of the issues are from a while ago. So even though I'm hurt right then and there and whatever situation may be causing the pain, I know if I look a little deeper there's been a very similar situation that gets brought up as well. So then I have to process both. So I can stuff it down and then next time - have 3 things to deal with.

Me and Tim got in a little tiff or whatever you want to call it. He wasn't talking and I said "We were just fine...What.. now you hate me???" (yes extreme I know) Tim wrote me a note later on and one of the parts said "That's not even close to the truth. I would hope that you'd know that by now." I wrote him back something different regarding the other part of the note he wrote but I left dealing with this right away. The next day I brought it up and said that I was thinking of what he wrote and saying that he hoped that I'd know that by now. I had to tell him, as much as it may hurt him, I don't know that. Most of my life, affection, love, affirmation was shown only when I was doing a good job. And when I was a mess, I was mad at.

I say it allllll the time - but I'm already aware of what's wrong with me (most of the time)
I know I'm overweight and I know that I don't keep the house in order. I know that I lose my temper more then I would like to. I know that I don't value time with certain people as much as I should. I know that I hold on to grudges, take up 3rd party offenses (and of course my own) , gossip, don't use my time wisely....and the list could go on and on and on...

When people get upset with me for stuff that I'm already upset with myself about...it's like double pain to work through - which I don't know how to do most of the time.

I've been going through a lot lately. It's only the beginning of March and I can't even imagine how much more change and difficulties I'm going to be faced with for the other 9 months. I know that's a very negative way to look at it. I do see so much good going on as well. But right now, the bad outweighs the good - but I'm hoping that will turn around soon.

I know what you focus on you empower. And my focus has not been on the right things.
I was doing really well a few months ago. I was reading and praying, I was losing weight and I felt like I was making progress. I wasn't trying anymore - I was just doing. I feel just like an addict who relapses. All the progress with my weight is gone. I have to start ALL over again. It's upsetting. I KNOW my weight is a reflection on what's going on inside of me. I haven't been dealing with my feelings - hurt, anger, disappointment etc. - I've been clinging to my false comfort of food which makes me feel worse.

The hard thing is that I love food, and always have. I love to cook and create. I love savoring each bite and deciding which flavor I want to be my last. I've ALWAYS been like that. So how do I separate my love for food with my LOVE for food.

Again I know the issues I'm going through is not based on my weight and that's only a consequence of not dealing with things properly. Some I know was getting advice from a counselor and I told them "When you learn how to deal with stuff, fill me in too"

Yes I need more love - and not from Tim (although that's always nice)
I'm a mess and I know it.
I know I'll always be a mess in one or another but I want to deal with things as they come up and not make more to deal with later. I know God knows my heart. (more then I know my own heart) I just need His help.

Monopoly

Yesterday was a Monday. We all had a snow day - even Tim. So we went outside and began building an igloo (Tim did most of the work haha) After putting the kids to bed last night I asked Tim what he wanted to do. He said maybe we could play a game. So I told him he could continue playing PS3 and I would straighten up the kitchen and living room. (not clean...just straighten)
So I loaded the dishwasher, cleaned the table and swept the floor. There's still stuff on the counters that aren't put away and don't even belong in the kitchen and I guess I probably should do that at some point today.
Then I kind of moved things around in the living room. There's still clothes and toys in there, but the rug was vacuumed and we were able to set up a board game on the living room floor.

Tim suggested Monopoly because he knows I've been having a hard time lately with myself and the stuff going on around me - and I usually always win Monopoly.
We always do a quick play so we can actually finish a game. So we hand out 3 properties each - and you only need 3 houses before you can build a hotel instead of 4.

So here are some pictures of last night's game and the process...


Tim loaded with Cash and Properties


I had to mortgage most of my properties


And I had VERY little cash


To top it off I kept landing on this as soon as I passed go so that $200 I would've gotten went straight to Free Parking (yes we play the free parking way because it's so much more fun!)


Lots of hotels between me and Tim


I had to keep selling houses to make money to pay Tim for landing on his property...Can you tell I was getting annoyed with going from a hotel back to houses


But in the end Boardwalk won me the game! I had lost everything except for these two sets of places.



I win once again!!!!!!!!!

Something Fun for Once

My blogs are more to look back and see my journey and my walk, see what I've been through and how I got out. And I do want to encourage others. But I think I need to lighten up in between and just put some stuff down here that has no meaning and no reason. Just for fun.


So keep a look out for those very random entries....

Things that I do, daily life, funny pictures, weird stuff, you tube videos, fun wesites...etc.

Let's do one from last night...