I've been reminded of this a few times this week and even though I'm sure it's to encourage me to keep moving forward - it's been doing the opposite right now. I'm having a overwhelming and "hopeless" day. I know it is not hopeless and there's lots to be thankful about and things I am doing right. My head is spinning and tired and I just want to find a quiet corner and just cry and yell it all out. But instead, I'm getting harder and building up a wall because I'm not doing anything with it. The fingers are pointing and I'm started to agree with what's being said.
I totally failed at being a wife, a mother and just a person today. I don't like this. At times I feel like a zombie. I'm alive but really dead. I could just sit in one place and just do nothing. It's paralyzing and I hate it. I don't want it to take a hold of me again. I'm tired of the up and down of emotions. I wish I could literally shake it off.
Tim's been so good to me. So loving and caring, so gentle and patient. I couldn't ask for a better husband. All I keep feeling is "Why?" "Why does he love me?" "I don't deserve it"
and I know the same goes for God... He loves me and I don't understand it. I don't know how to really take it in.
It seems so simple - but it's so hard. Just take it in. - What was I singing yesterday? "I was made for, I was made for love" and it's true. I don't understand how one day I can feel it and accept it and the next day I totally go the other way.
It makes me feel crazy.
I will never be perfect - I will never be a "Stepford Wife" - I may never even be a Proverbs 31 wife. But hopefully instead of trying to strive to be those things - I will stop trying and start receiving the love that will heal me from the inside out.
And let me hold onto: Verse 30 - Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised!
Proverbs 31:10-31
10A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman--who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls.D)
11The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently and relies on and believes in her securely, so that he has no lack of [honest] gain or need of [dishonest] spoil.
12She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her.
13She seeks out wool and flax and works with willing hands [to develop it].
14She is like the merchant ships loaded with foodstuffs; she brings her household's food from a far [country].
15She rises while it is yet night and gets [spiritual] food for her household and assigns her maids their tasks.
16She considers a [new] field before she buys or accepts it [expanding prudently and not courting neglect of her present duties by assuming other duties]; with her savings [of time and strength] she plants fruitful vines in her vineyard. [S. of Sol. 8:12.]
17She girds herself with strength [spiritual, mental, and physical fitness for her God-given task] and makes her arms strong and firm.
18She tastes and sees that her gain from work [with and for God] is good; her lamp goes not out, but it burns on continually through the night [of trouble, privation, or sorrow, warning away fear, doubt, and distrust].
19She lays her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
20She opens her hand to the poor, yes, she reaches out her filled hands to the needy [whether in body, mind, or spirit].
21She fears not the snow for her family, for all her household are doubly clothed in scarlet.
22She makes for herself coverlets, cushions, and rugs of tapestry. Her clothing is of linen, pure and fine, and of purple [such as that of which the clothing of the priests and the hallowed cloths of the temple were made].
23Her husband is known in the [city's] gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.
24She makes fine linen garments and leads others to buy them; she delivers to the merchants girdles [or sashes that free one up for service].
25Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure; she rejoices over the future [the latter day or time to come, knowing that she and her family are in readiness for it]!
26She opens her mouth in skillful and godly Wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness [giving counsel and instruction].
27She looks well to how things go in her household, and the bread of idleness (gossip, discontent, and self-pity) she will not eat.I)"
28Her children rise up and call her blessed (happy, fortunate, and to be envied); and her husband boasts of and praises her, [saying],
29Many daughters have done virtuously, nobly, and well [with the strength of character that is steadfast in goodness], but you excel them all.
30Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised!
31Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates [of the city]!
