Mental Breakdown

I can't handle the emotions and frustration I feel inside. I physically feel myself shaking from the inside out. This is been going in for days and I don't even know who to talk to or how anyone can help. I feel pressures building up of feeling super overwhelmed. Every little thing feels amplified. I'm yelling all day it seems. I know that won't help Noelan's whiny screaming fits. If anything it makes it worse. I want to be outside by myself with nobody saying my name. Just complete silence except maybe the sounds of the ocean or the birds chirping. 

Uglyness Inside

The feeling of unforgiveness rising up in the form of gratification in someone else's pain or misfortune is one that I wish I could say I've never felt. The only good thing right now is that I feel terribly terribly guilty after those thoughts and emotions rose up. That shows me I know right from wrong and that I need to ask God to forgive me and help me work through things I'm obviously still holding onto. 

It's such a gross feeling and one I hope to not experience often. Sadly it's happened two seperate times within one week so I know my heart is not right at all. The first time I shrugged it off as normal, no big deal and that I'm still processing but didn't do anything further. 

Now that it's happened again & on a bigger scale I want to make sure I do something about it and not let it well up and harden my heart even more. 

God, I'm so sorry. Forgive me for holding onto grudges and judgements. Clean out my mind, my emotions and my heart. Replace all the darkness with your love. Purify my heart...Psalm 51. Amen

Psalm 51

Easy-to-Read Version (ERV)

[beacuse this is what I've been reading with the boys at times and it's how I would write it. Simple and straight to the point]

To the director: A song of David written when Nathan the prophet came to him after David’s sin with Bathsheba.

51 God, be merciful to me
    because of your faithful love.
Because of your great compassion,
    erase all the wrongs I have done.
2 Scrub away my guilt.
    Wash me clean from my sin.
3 I know I have done wrong.
    I remember that sin all the time.
4 I did what you said is wrong.
    You are the one I have sinned against.
I say this so that people will know
    that I am wrong and you are right.
    What you decided is fair.
5 I was born to do wrong,
    a sinner before I left my mother’s womb.
6 You want me to be completely loyal,
    so put true wisdom deep inside of me.
7 Remove my sin and make me pure.[a]
    Wash me until I am whiter than snow!
8 Let me hear sounds of joy and happiness again.
    Let the bones you crushed be happy again.
9 Don’t look at my sins.
    Erase them all.
10 God, create a pure heart in me,
    and make my spirit strong again.
11 Don’t push me away
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Your help made me so happy.
    Give me that joy again.
    Make my spirit strong and ready to obey you.
13 I will teach the guilty how you want them to live,
    and the sinners will come back to you.
14 God, spare me from the punishment of death.[b]
    My God, you are the one who saves me!
Let me sing about all the good things you do for me!
15     My Lord, I will open my mouth and sing your praises!
16 You don’t really want sacrifices,
    or I would give them to you.
17 The sacrifice that God wants is a humble spirit.
    God, you will not turn away someone who comes with a humble heart and is willing to obey you.[c]

18 God, please be good to Zion.
    Rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then you can enjoy the kind of sacrifices you want.[d]
    You will receive whole burnt offerings,
    and people will again offer bulls on your altar.