Pressure & Expectations

I can't handle either. 

10 events of 2013

2013

1 First year homeschooling 

2 Glasses for Caleb

3 Music Lessons for everyone

4 Rock climbing for Josh

5 Tim applied for the union 

6 Skydiving 

7 Jay and Erin's wedding 

8 Color Run/Spartan Race/Triathalon

9 Aunt Maria & Uncle Spiro Thanksgiving!

10 New Oven 

10 Events of 2014

2014

1 - Zoey and Declan 

2 - Mom's 50th birthday party 

3 - Josh's haircut 

4 - New Hampshire House hopes 

5 - Built a shed 

6 - Fowler Family Pictures 

7 - Wade & Sarah move to PA

8 - Jacob Quinn

9 - New Job for Tim/End of Henderson

10 - Poconos Family Reunion 

Jacob Quinn Fowler

October 8th 2014

I was going through baby clothes I had picked up and sent Tim a picture of a tigger outfit because I know he loves tigger. After I texted him he texted me back "I think his name should be Jacob Quinn Fowler" 

I thought it was funny because I always liked the name Jacob but Tim never did so I didn't even mention it this time around. We were thinking about the name Ian Quinn Fowler and although I really liked the name meaning for some reason everytime I thought of the name it didn't feel like my baby's name. I was going to just let it go because Tim liked it and we thought the initials would be fun (IQ) and Quinn means intellegent/wise/counsel. 

I asked Tim what made him think of Jacob and he said at first he was thinking that Ian sounded too much like Evan and Noelan and he has just mixed them up the other day & didn't want to do it more than he did which would've been easy to do if the names all sounded similar. He then was picturing himself holding and talking to the baby and calling him by his name. He said "Hi Jacob" and he felt like it just felt right. 

I asked all the boys what they thought and it was a unanimous "that's a good name, I like it". 

I can't believe it took so long to officially have a name picked out. Very different than any of our other boys. Even with Caleb who we didn't know if he was going to be a boy or girl we actually had 2 boy names picked out (can't even remember the girl name we had) He was either going to be Roman Elijah or Caleb Cordell and Tim said after he was born he was holding him and looking at him and he said "He's definitely Caleb Cordell not Roman Elijah" 

So that's it - one more month until I get to meet this baby boy face to face and hold him and kiss his little cheeks and call him by his name, Jacob. 

Book Club inspired Priority List with my own twist

I wrote this & Posted it in a book club group I'm a part of this Summer but wanted to remember it (and if anyone feels inspired to try it out) so I'm re-posting it into this blog. 

Just wanted to share a little tonight. My boys have been fighting (which I know is normal for siblings) but it was starting to become excessive and about the silliest things. After another night following a whole day of bickering I finally snapped & blew up. Once I got it back together I sat down with all of them at the kitchen table completely blank on how to deal with it in an effective way. I kept praying internally asking what to do and after a few thoughts that didn't stick I thought of the priority list what we did with our husbands. I took a deep breath, got a notebook and pencil and wrote everyone's names down (including my own) and numbered it 1-5 twice under each name. The first list we went around and shared what is important to us, what makes us feel loved, valued etc. (this included playing together, getting  tucked in and prayed with at night, hugs, food haha etc.) Since we did it together, they all heard each other and saw what was important and how they could show each other love...and how I could as well. Then I took it a step further and asked them to name 5 things each that make them feel hurt/sad/angry. This included getting yelled at, being ignored, having to repeat themselves, getting laughed at etc. After each person spoke their lists out I re-read them to stress what hurts them and how we can all try not to do the things on the bottom list and try to do more things on the top list. It took a while to do the whole thing but the whole atmosphere changed, everyone's attitudes improved and everyone was more open and softer (including myself) I hugged each of them and apologized for all the ways I hurt them in the bottom list and then told them I was on their side and wanted them to be happy and how much I loved them. They all apologized to each other as well and ever since things have been so much more peaceful. 

21 weeks and 4 days

There was and still a bit of confusion with my due date and how far along I am. They are sticking with my very first estimated due date of Dec 4th from my OB (even though he referred me here to check since we weren't positive) According to these charts from 2 months ago I'm almost 23 weeks along due around Nov 29th and everything this time measured according to that. Baby boy is around 1lb 3oz and everything looks good. 💙🚹👍

And I passed my 3 hour glucose test

Surprise baby boy

May 22nd 2014 4:39am 

Just woke up from a dream that felt so real about having this baby. So detailed down to weight & name. It was a boy which surprised us in the dream because everyone thought for sure it was going to be a girl & all we had were girls names. I was induced a day before my due date because his breathing/heart rate  was getting cut at different points & they wanted to make sure he would be alright. I remember being a little sad because I knew I could've waited another week without having to be induced & try & go into labor on my own but when I remembered why they did it for his safety I was so thankful. Nobody knew we had him right away and we just enjoyed being together the 3 of us (Tim & I with the new baby) I'm not going to write the name just in case we use it. Tim is not crazy about it for a boys name but I think it could be used for either if you pick the right first or middle name - it means "wise, counsel, intelligent"  The baby was just over 8lbs which felt so big because Noelan was 6 something but he was also a week early. I know there's more but I can't remember. I know dreams aren't always literal but every time I had a dream while pregnant it was always the same gender in the dream so now I really am leaning towards boy and I cannot wait to meet him (or her haha) I won't find out for a couple of more months but it will be interesting to see how this all plays out. Either way I'm praying for protection for me and the babe and knowing everything will be okay in the end...to end on a funny note in the dream, Tim said but he had a couple of girls names that I thought for sure we were going to use...I guess we're going to have more?!?! I said "maybe but I'm getting the IUD as soon as possible again so we're not thinking about that for another few years" hahaha 

Mental Breakdown

I can't handle the emotions and frustration I feel inside. I physically feel myself shaking from the inside out. This is been going in for days and I don't even know who to talk to or how anyone can help. I feel pressures building up of feeling super overwhelmed. Every little thing feels amplified. I'm yelling all day it seems. I know that won't help Noelan's whiny screaming fits. If anything it makes it worse. I want to be outside by myself with nobody saying my name. Just complete silence except maybe the sounds of the ocean or the birds chirping. 

Uglyness Inside

The feeling of unforgiveness rising up in the form of gratification in someone else's pain or misfortune is one that I wish I could say I've never felt. The only good thing right now is that I feel terribly terribly guilty after those thoughts and emotions rose up. That shows me I know right from wrong and that I need to ask God to forgive me and help me work through things I'm obviously still holding onto. 

It's such a gross feeling and one I hope to not experience often. Sadly it's happened two seperate times within one week so I know my heart is not right at all. The first time I shrugged it off as normal, no big deal and that I'm still processing but didn't do anything further. 

Now that it's happened again & on a bigger scale I want to make sure I do something about it and not let it well up and harden my heart even more. 

God, I'm so sorry. Forgive me for holding onto grudges and judgements. Clean out my mind, my emotions and my heart. Replace all the darkness with your love. Purify my heart...Psalm 51. Amen

Psalm 51

Easy-to-Read Version (ERV)

[beacuse this is what I've been reading with the boys at times and it's how I would write it. Simple and straight to the point]

To the director: A song of David written when Nathan the prophet came to him after David’s sin with Bathsheba.

51 God, be merciful to me
    because of your faithful love.
Because of your great compassion,
    erase all the wrongs I have done.
2 Scrub away my guilt.
    Wash me clean from my sin.
3 I know I have done wrong.
    I remember that sin all the time.
4 I did what you said is wrong.
    You are the one I have sinned against.
I say this so that people will know
    that I am wrong and you are right.
    What you decided is fair.
5 I was born to do wrong,
    a sinner before I left my mother’s womb.
6 You want me to be completely loyal,
    so put true wisdom deep inside of me.
7 Remove my sin and make me pure.[a]
    Wash me until I am whiter than snow!
8 Let me hear sounds of joy and happiness again.
    Let the bones you crushed be happy again.
9 Don’t look at my sins.
    Erase them all.
10 God, create a pure heart in me,
    and make my spirit strong again.
11 Don’t push me away
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Your help made me so happy.
    Give me that joy again.
    Make my spirit strong and ready to obey you.
13 I will teach the guilty how you want them to live,
    and the sinners will come back to you.
14 God, spare me from the punishment of death.[b]
    My God, you are the one who saves me!
Let me sing about all the good things you do for me!
15     My Lord, I will open my mouth and sing your praises!
16 You don’t really want sacrifices,
    or I would give them to you.
17 The sacrifice that God wants is a humble spirit.
    God, you will not turn away someone who comes with a humble heart and is willing to obey you.[c]

18 God, please be good to Zion.
    Rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then you can enjoy the kind of sacrifices you want.[d]
    You will receive whole burnt offerings,
    and people will again offer bulls on your altar.