Evan's last night as a 5 year old

JUST got Evan down to sleep after getting home from grocery shopping and him being awake. We looked at old pictures together and he popped his last balloon which was hanging on his bedroom door as a birthday countdown. I have so much to do before his birthday party on Friday but tonight I just focus on decorating & gift wrapping and tomorrow we enjoy the day together and I'll finish up my final do to list tomorrow night. 

Goodnight Evan O on your last sleep as a 5 year old. Tomorrow you wake up 6!! 

Time stand still

I'm such an emotional mess right now as I think about Evan's 6th birthday coming up on Thursday. He was my baby baby for a long time and now he's a sweet compassionate loving older brother. There's so many times where I wanted time to speed up like the movie 'Click' but I'm really really feeling how quickly time flies and I'm wanting to hit the pause button now.

I'm so proud of my boys and all the milestones they've made over the years. They're amazing and I love them so much. I don't want any of them to get any older than they are right now haha  but I know that's part of life. They're going to hit even more milestones over the next years. There's going to be lots more firsts to come and I'm going to enjoy that process as well. 

But I do miss Joshua's cute funny face when he was about 9-10 months old and would try to make us laugh. I miss little Caleb singing the ABCs and then ending it in his hardcore yell with his tiny voice when he was a couple of years old. I miss early mornings when Josh and Caleb went to school and Evan would snuggle me on the couch. I miss Joshua asking my parents "Got sumpin to eat?" After sliding down the stairs on his belly. I miss watching Caleb's eyes light up when he would watch his daddy play basketball and knowing he wanted to join in even though he couldn't walk yet. I miss Evan's big gummy smile along his big blue eyes that still melt me to this day. And I'm already missing Noelan's super tiny fingers and toes and the funny sound he made when he breathed when he was a few months old. I miss all of the first smirks, first giggles, first rolls, first messy baby food faces, first crawls... 

I know Noelan is still a baby but I see how big he's getting so fast. & I'm so proud of him already! 4 more months and my baby is 1 already. What?!? There's no more newborns here anymore :(  

But I don't want to get ahead of myself. I want to savor each moment, each kiss, each snuggle, each "I love you" as they happen with each one of my boys (including Tim) I am incredibly thankful for my family. I love them so much. I'm going to pause my thinking ahead, wipe my tears away from the missed memories and really really take in where I'm at... My heart is full - Life is Good. 

You know better than I

After a 3 month long process and a whole bunch of waiting from the beginning to now, Tim got his result letter from the union job he applied for. It basically said that this year is filled but there's a possibility that he will get selected next Sept but we won't get a letter until next Aug 2014 to know for sure. So we wait some more. At first I was relived because we don't have a second vehicle and I was not looking forward to dragging 4 kids out of bed at 3:30/4 in the morning to beat traffic on two different days so I could have the truck to make it to Noelan's 9 month check up and Caleb's eye appointment and then have to sit in traffic to pick Tim up from work and drive home. But I wanted the letter to say he definitely got in next year not "IF you get selected"

We started watching Joseph King of Dreams while Tim was out celebrating Jonny's birthday with the guys and I dozed off because it was a long tiring day. I woke up and the song "You know better than I" was playing. I felt like it was exactly what I needed to hear. A really good reminder that God does know what's best for us and the timing as well. Am I still frustrated, definitely. Do I like not knowing what's going to happen a year from now and how to prepare for it? Absolutely not haha 

But I do know that if I let go of the feeling of needing control, I feel a whole lot better (& hopeful). It's going to be a process and lots of ups and downs of emotions. Even though Tim has a good chance of getting in next Aug, it's not a sure thing. We don't know what's next and what we're going to do in the mean time but like a wise man Tom Z would remind us, we do know that God is good & God loves us...

You know better than I:

I thought I did what's right
I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told you how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

Chorus 1:
You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing
I don't know is part of getting through
I tried to do what's best
But faith has made it easy
To see the best thing i can do
Is to put my trust in You.

Chorus 2
For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I

Coda:
I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky
I saw a bird and thought that I could follow
But it was You who taught that bird to fly
If i let You reach me
Will You teach me.
(Repeat Chorus )

For, You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
I'll take what answers you supply
You know better than I