19 Weeks
Baby's size: - Mango
Sleep: I'm starting to get up to go to the bathroom again so I'm beginning to have broken sleep once again.
Mama's Growth: No changes
Food cravings: Goat Cheese - probably because I'm not supposed to have it cold. I finally caved and had it cooked with chicken and I was so happy. Another thing that I've been waiting for was Cheesecake Factory cheesecake. It doesn't help to be a Facebook fan of theirs because they post delicious looking pictures everyday! I waited until July 30th for National Cheesecake Day to get it 1/2 price. I'm glad I waited and only got it this one time. They're loaded with way too many calories!
Symptoms I have: I had another really bad headache this week & took 2 extra strength tylenol but it didn't do anything. I was able to sleep about 30-40 minutes later for about a 1/2 hour & when I woke up it was a lot better. The doctor said unfortunately there's nothing else to treat it and that it's normal because of the changes going on.
Doctor’s Appointment:
Sono Aug 16th
Dr Foehr - I have to call next month when we're back from FL - prob the first week of Sept
Movement: I think I have been feeling it all along (maybe 2 weeks) but because it's so faint I wasn't sure. I've been trying to lay still and pay attention to any different feelings and I have felt something - My doctor filled me in on what those kicky feelings are. He said its like holding a beach ball under pool water and how it pops up because it wants to float. There's a name for it but I forget what he said already. I think it started with a 'b'. So when I get up fast the uterus or whatever kicks up to the top. He assured me that it won't hurt the baby. I just have to be more aware of getting up too fast. I'm still not used to the fact I'm pregnant.
Gender: It's a BOY!!! :)
Names: Noelan Chase
Still thinking about the spelling but I think I like it
What I’m looking forward to: The 20 week mark next week even though I should say 21 weeks will probably be my half way point. Evan's Birthday, Florida Road trip.
What I miss: People & Advil again
Monday, July 30, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
Noelan - The Name Story
Sorry I've been slacking. We've been really busy with all the family in town for the family reunion. Things are beginning to slow down so I thought I'd jot this down like I said I would.
Hopefully this won't be way too confusing to read when you can't hear me say the names. I tried my best.
Back in April, a few days after I told the boys we were going to have a baby - Joshua randomly asked "If it's a boy can we name him Nole? It probably means Noble." I said "I don't know yet - but let me look it up and see what it means" I took out my baby book and flipped to the 'N' names. I started slowing down when I came to the 'N-O' spellings. I was looking for N-O-L-E. I saw Nola, Nolan, then Nona. No N-O-L-E.
I went back to Nolan which sounded like it could be the full name and have the nickname Nole. I looked at the definition and sure enough next to inherent meaning it said "Noble"
I laughed in awe. I kept looking in the 'N' names and came across 'Noel' which I automatically read as NO-L like the Christmas word. I looked at it again and then read it as Noel (rhymes with Joel) I liked that spelling more than N-O-L-E (because that made me think of mole haha) But I knew that most people would pronounce it as No-L like I did and I didn't want the mix up. I looked at the meaning of Noel and the inherent meaning said "Christmas Child" which made me laugh again because my due date is around Christmas time. One doctor says Christmas Eve the 24th and the other says the day after Christmas which is the 26th.
I told TIm the story when he came home from work about Josh asking if we could name the baby Nole/Noel if it was a boy and that it probably meant noble. I also told him about the process of looking the name up and coming across Nolan and Noel and seeing 'Noble and Christmas Child' I asked him what he thought of the name and he said "I actually like it" I said "So do I - I don't know if I would've picked it out if I was skimming through the baby book but now that I hear it out loud, I like it a lot" We began discussing middle names and a lot of names sounded good with Noel or Nolan. I suggested naming him Nolan and calling him Noel as a nickname. Then I began writing out different spellings of the name Nolan and figured I'd try to combine the two Nolan and Noel and came out with "Noelan" It took a little to get used to because it's different but I like it now. Tim is still getting used to it so I'm not sure if we'll use that spelling yet but we still have time to decide. The top middle name that we came across was 'Chase' which in my book says "Hunter/Pursuer of Truth" I really liked the meaning and I thought it sounded nice. Like I said before we still have time to make a final decision from here to when the baby comes but 'Noelan/Nolan' is the first name and we're pretty sure 'Chase' is the middle name. Although we did joke around about having the middle name be Phelps like the olympic swimmer because I still can't believe that I got pregnant before getting my IUD taken out.
Because all of this happened very shortly after finding out I was pregnant I think it was why I was pretty confident that this baby was a boy from the beginning. I liked the name Lily but I liked having the story behind the name Noelan. I was so sure that he was a boy that I would sometimes call him 'him' before I even got my sonogram. I would've been totally shocked if they said girl at my 17 week sono. Part of that was because at my 13 week sonogram the doctor asked if I was going to find out what I was having. I told her I would like to and that I thought he was a boy. She said "Let's take a look and see if we can see anything - and a minute later she said "I think you're right...I would say about..80%" I had read that it was really hard to see anything that early on because boy and girls look very similar at that point.
A few people have asked if I was disappointed that I'm having 'another boy' and I can absolutely say that I'm not one bit. I would've been happy and excited to have a girl as well but I think this time because I loved the name I was more excited to be having a boy. Even though we were thinking about trying to have another baby in the Summer this was not planned at all. (obviously since I had my IUD in still) I know this baby has a purpose & it's exciting to me that he had a name before we even knew he was a boy. I'm excited to meet Noelan and try my best to raise him to be a noble man just like his name means.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
18 Weeks
18 Weeks
Baby's size: - Sweet Potato!!
Sleep: Late nights make me thankful that my kids sleep through the night and slept past 9am most mornings this week. I'm going to really really miss sleeping.
Mama's Growth: Since finding out I was pregnant in April I've gained 7.5 lbs already. The past few weeks of out of town family and typical NY food hasn't helped either. Hopefully it slows down the next few weeks as I get on a better & healthier eating schedule. I know towards the end of pregnancy it really packs on and I was already overweight. According to my chart I should only gain 15-25 pounds this pregnancy.
I actually lost a half an inch in my stomach area but gained a half inch in my waist. My stomach feels much firmer now.
Food cravings: No real cravings again but the most satisfying food this week was fruit. Any type! I love it on hot days!
Symptoms I have: This week was the first week I felt somewhat "normal" and like I was actually in my 2nd trimester. I didn't think I'd ever feel this way because of how crappy I was feeling the last few months.
Doctor’s Appointment:
Sono Aug 16th
Dr Foehr July 31st
Movement: Still no flutters :( A few more of those abrupt kick/pushing feeling but it's not consistent at all. Maybe another 2-3 times this week.
Gender: It's a BOY!!! :)
Names: Noelan Chase
Still thinking about the spelling but I think I like it
What I’m looking forward to: All the things I've been looking forward to have now past and that's sad :( But our FL road trip is still set so I can start counting down for that.
What I miss: My sister and she's not even officially out of NY yet! :(
I had a little meltdown Monday afternoon/early evening and Tim lovingly held me while I sobbed on him. I was thinking of all the changes that are going to happen in the next few months and the people that will not be local (including my sister) and even though everyone is still here I had to make the choice to enjoy the now moments instead of pulling away and feeling sad already. I think I was successful this week :) I'm glad I live in the times of phones & computers so I can hear people's voices and even see their faces miles and miles away.
Baby's size: - Sweet Potato!!
Sleep: Late nights make me thankful that my kids sleep through the night and slept past 9am most mornings this week. I'm going to really really miss sleeping.
Mama's Growth: Since finding out I was pregnant in April I've gained 7.5 lbs already. The past few weeks of out of town family and typical NY food hasn't helped either. Hopefully it slows down the next few weeks as I get on a better & healthier eating schedule. I know towards the end of pregnancy it really packs on and I was already overweight. According to my chart I should only gain 15-25 pounds this pregnancy.
I actually lost a half an inch in my stomach area but gained a half inch in my waist. My stomach feels much firmer now.
Food cravings: No real cravings again but the most satisfying food this week was fruit. Any type! I love it on hot days!
Symptoms I have: This week was the first week I felt somewhat "normal" and like I was actually in my 2nd trimester. I didn't think I'd ever feel this way because of how crappy I was feeling the last few months.
Doctor’s Appointment:
Sono Aug 16th
Dr Foehr July 31st
Movement: Still no flutters :( A few more of those abrupt kick/pushing feeling but it's not consistent at all. Maybe another 2-3 times this week.
Gender: It's a BOY!!! :)
Names: Noelan Chase
Still thinking about the spelling but I think I like it
What I’m looking forward to: All the things I've been looking forward to have now past and that's sad :( But our FL road trip is still set so I can start counting down for that.
What I miss: My sister and she's not even officially out of NY yet! :(
I had a little meltdown Monday afternoon/early evening and Tim lovingly held me while I sobbed on him. I was thinking of all the changes that are going to happen in the next few months and the people that will not be local (including my sister) and even though everyone is still here I had to make the choice to enjoy the now moments instead of pulling away and feeling sad already. I think I was successful this week :) I'm glad I live in the times of phones & computers so I can hear people's voices and even see their faces miles and miles away.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
17 Weeks
17 Weeks
Baby's size: Onion - at my sono they said the baby was about 6oz
Sleep: Pretty decent this week
Mama's Growth: No weight gain this week but I didn't take my measurements again. Oh well. I bought my first pair of maternity pants and packed away all my regular pants.
Food cravings: No specific cravings but this week has been crappy eating at the fullest - Chinese, Pizza, ice cream cake, popcorn, chocolate etc. This coming week is not going to be much better with all the out of town family.
Symptoms I have: Feeling decent this week minus a few headaches here and there. And in the evenings I feel my uterus stretching or whatever. It lasts maybe 20mins and it's not every day.
Doctor’s Appointment:
Sono Aug 16th
Dr Foehr July 31st
Movement: 3 times in the last 2 weeks when I was sitting on the couch I leaned forward to adjust how I was sitting and I felt like there was a strong kick/jab. I thought it was too early and I still didn't feel the fluttering so I ignored it. At my sono appointment they said it definitely could be the baby especially because this is my 4th. Still waiting for the full flutters. Last night I was laying on my left side and I was pushing into my stomach and you could feel and see where the baby or uterus was.
Gender: It's a BOY!!! :)
I'll post the story behind the name and why I've been feeling/thinking boy from the beginning in a different post.
Names: Noelan Chase.
Tim is second guessing the spelling but because he thinks he likes the look of Nolan better. And we'd call him Noel for short. (like Joel not the Christmas Carol)
What I’m looking forward to: Family Reunion, Sarah's visit, Florida Trip next month.
What I miss: A bunch of things.
Baby's size: Onion - at my sono they said the baby was about 6oz
Sleep: Pretty decent this week
Mama's Growth: No weight gain this week but I didn't take my measurements again. Oh well. I bought my first pair of maternity pants and packed away all my regular pants.
Food cravings: No specific cravings but this week has been crappy eating at the fullest - Chinese, Pizza, ice cream cake, popcorn, chocolate etc. This coming week is not going to be much better with all the out of town family.
Symptoms I have: Feeling decent this week minus a few headaches here and there. And in the evenings I feel my uterus stretching or whatever. It lasts maybe 20mins and it's not every day.
Doctor’s Appointment:
Sono Aug 16th
Dr Foehr July 31st
Movement: 3 times in the last 2 weeks when I was sitting on the couch I leaned forward to adjust how I was sitting and I felt like there was a strong kick/jab. I thought it was too early and I still didn't feel the fluttering so I ignored it. At my sono appointment they said it definitely could be the baby especially because this is my 4th. Still waiting for the full flutters. Last night I was laying on my left side and I was pushing into my stomach and you could feel and see where the baby or uterus was.
Gender: It's a BOY!!! :)
I'll post the story behind the name and why I've been feeling/thinking boy from the beginning in a different post.
Names: Noelan Chase.
Tim is second guessing the spelling but because he thinks he likes the look of Nolan better. And we'd call him Noel for short. (like Joel not the Christmas Carol)
What I’m looking forward to: Family Reunion, Sarah's visit, Florida Trip next month.
What I miss: A bunch of things.
Friday, July 13, 2012
16 Weeks
16 Weeks
Baby's size: Florida Avacado
- mmmm avacado
Sleep: A few nights I had a hard time winding down and falling asleep even though I was exhausted but once I fall asleep its heavy duty and I haven't even heard the alarm clock that Tim sets.
Mama's Growth: I guess I should've written my starting stats somewhere. I did gain another couple of pounds and about 3 more inches in my belly area.
Food cravings: (You can just skip this part f you want - it's all about broccoli and cheddar soup haha) I've been wanting broccoli cheddar soup on and off for a few weeks now but no strong urges. Sarah turned me onto Panera Bread's recipe in the bread bowl but the last one I had was at Applebee's at the end of last year. When we went back around Tim's birthday (thanks Mama Donna) I asked if they had it and they said they didn't make it on Tuesdays. I went back to Applebee's this past Tuesday night for 1/2 price apps after free movies with Tim. I figured I would just ask because we were at a different location but because it was so late the waitress said the only soup they had left was onion - Boo. Then 2 days later someone posted a copycat recipe for Panera Bread's soup recipe and it was stuck in my head all day. So I researched more copycat recipes for broccoli cheddar soup & made it yesterday and it hit the spot! It was a craving months in the making.
Food aversions: I can't think of anything this week. Weirdly I'm in the mood for something sweet but I don't want chocolate.
Symptoms I have: Same as last week: More headaches, more breakouts, ingestion. And I forgot baby brain. This is from last week but one morning I wore two different colored sandals which were both for the left foot and it took me a few hours to even realize it. I laughed so hard I cried and couldn't stop. And the laughing until I cried has
happened a few times. That doesn't happen to me often.
Doctor’s Appointment: Next Week!
Sono July 18th
Dr Foehr July 19th
Movement: still not sure but getting closer to where I should be feeling it :)
Belly Button: Innie. Some shirts I have you can see the big crater indent in the middle of my stomach. I don't think my belly button ever popped because I have a deep innie. This is a weird section...
Gender: Still unknown.
Still Guessing Boy
And if it is I will post the story behind the name and why I've been feeling/thinking boy from the beginning next week :)
Names: Noelan or Lily (now I'm
second guessing Lily)
What I’m looking forward to: Family Reunion, Sarah coming, my Ultrasound, Evan's stitches coming out so we can put sunblock on and go to the beach and pool again. It's been a stir crazy week!
What I miss: ADVIL
Baby's size: Florida Avacado
- mmmm avacado
Sleep: A few nights I had a hard time winding down and falling asleep even though I was exhausted but once I fall asleep its heavy duty and I haven't even heard the alarm clock that Tim sets.
Mama's Growth: I guess I should've written my starting stats somewhere. I did gain another couple of pounds and about 3 more inches in my belly area.
Food cravings: (You can just skip this part f you want - it's all about broccoli and cheddar soup haha) I've been wanting broccoli cheddar soup on and off for a few weeks now but no strong urges. Sarah turned me onto Panera Bread's recipe in the bread bowl but the last one I had was at Applebee's at the end of last year. When we went back around Tim's birthday (thanks Mama Donna) I asked if they had it and they said they didn't make it on Tuesdays. I went back to Applebee's this past Tuesday night for 1/2 price apps after free movies with Tim. I figured I would just ask because we were at a different location but because it was so late the waitress said the only soup they had left was onion - Boo. Then 2 days later someone posted a copycat recipe for Panera Bread's soup recipe and it was stuck in my head all day. So I researched more copycat recipes for broccoli cheddar soup & made it yesterday and it hit the spot! It was a craving months in the making.
Food aversions: I can't think of anything this week. Weirdly I'm in the mood for something sweet but I don't want chocolate.
Symptoms I have: Same as last week: More headaches, more breakouts, ingestion. And I forgot baby brain. This is from last week but one morning I wore two different colored sandals which were both for the left foot and it took me a few hours to even realize it. I laughed so hard I cried and couldn't stop. And the laughing until I cried has
happened a few times. That doesn't happen to me often.
Doctor’s Appointment: Next Week!
Sono July 18th
Dr Foehr July 19th
Movement: still not sure but getting closer to where I should be feeling it :)
Belly Button: Innie. Some shirts I have you can see the big crater indent in the middle of my stomach. I don't think my belly button ever popped because I have a deep innie. This is a weird section...
Gender: Still unknown.
Still Guessing Boy
And if it is I will post the story behind the name and why I've been feeling/thinking boy from the beginning next week :)
Names: Noelan or Lily (now I'm
second guessing Lily)
What I’m looking forward to: Family Reunion, Sarah coming, my Ultrasound, Evan's stitches coming out so we can put sunblock on and go to the beach and pool again. It's been a stir crazy week!
What I miss: ADVIL
Sunday, July 8, 2012
I don't know when I got bitter
I keep going back and forth on if I wanted to write this in my private journal or a public forum. I still don't even know if I'm going to make this public or copy what I write and send it to myself. But I guess if you're reading this, and you're not me, then I posted it.
I've been feeling this way for a while now and a lyric from Tonic's 'You Wanted More' has been randomly popping in my head for a while now. Today it came to mind and those lyrics are the title of this post "I don't know when I got bitter" I can account for the things that have made me bitter over time and the triggers of what make me want to roll my eyes, or sigh really deeply from overwhelming negative feelings and unfortunately the topic has to do with Christianity. For as long as I can remember I went to church - many different churches with different denominations. I was never insecure in my faith or embarrassed by it. I grew up loving God and wanting to do what was right and share my faith with whoever was open to it.
This is not a post how I'm denying what I once knew and loved. It's not even a post venting on the things that have happened to bring me to this place...I don't know.
I just keep thinking to myself "How did I get here?" How did something I once love be a source of great pain and frustration. I know the church is broken just like anything else on Earth. There is nothing perfect here.
I guess I need to go on a little venting spree right now because I have only talked in depth to Tim about these things and since we've both been hurt and are in the same place it hasn't gotten any better. I'm so bitter I don't even want to talk to God about it. (Even though He obviously knows haha) It's not God's fault that this crap happens but because it's all mixed in with the source of pain sometimes I really don't want anything to do with talking to Him. Things get better for a little while and then I'm right back in the same place I was in.
Church in general is a huge turn off for me. Sitting in a building listening to the same things over and over that I have heard since I was little in different ways bores me. There are some messages I hear that have life and make me think but unfortunately because I'm turned off - I just want to lump it all into one negative thing. I don't need to hear that I have to try harder and be better - I don't even want to hear about God's grace for when I'm like this and completely negative. I just want to really really understand the depth of God's love for me because I truly believe that will be the only thing to heal me and soften my heart so I can embrace the things I once loved. But because I'm so hardhearted I don't even know how to let my walls down to even God. I know in my head that He's the One that will never hurt me, but my heart is way too raw.
Another thing that has been weird for me is worshiping through music. Something that once had great life and joy for me is bringing more yawns and frustration with myself. I don't know how I can look around and see other people who I really think are worshiping and I'm not feeling it at all. It all sounds the same to me. Even the 'new' songs get old fast. & because worshiping is about the heart - and like I said before mine is hard and raw - there's no exchange of worship that I once knew.
When I hear of conferences and mission trips and workshops all I see is $$$$ and think of how the people running them get to spend all their life just "serving God" and traveling and getting paid to do it (even if it's not a lot) I don't know why but it really bothers me. Not everyone can do that. The majority of people I know have to balance working 9-5 jobs.
I know there's more to it than just that but it's still one of the things I'm bitter about.
I feel the pull of a small church to give money and time and energy. And yea I know God gives grace and stuff but I feel like I have nothing in me to give. And then if I don't then I hear in my head "God gave everything for you - you can't just give up one night, 10%, an extra few hours of sleep to something bigger than yourself??" And when I hear that my next thought is "No, not for something that I think is pointless"
I don't want to be bitter - I don't know how to undo this. And even if I undo and heal how do I know that I won't feel the same as I'm feeling right now. We gave our money and time and energy until we were spread super thin. And for what? Was there a point of it? Were we just doing it because it was "the good Christian thing to do"? Will there be fruit from the tithe we offered, the worship we led, the youth we spent time with? Why are we so broken now when we freaken sacrificed a lot. I know we didn't die on the cross or anything but come on. We were (and are) so young. We poured more than half our life into something and saw the generation before us do the same with a horrible effect on the families that were neglected so they could attend every prayer meeting and worship night while the kids stayed home. I don't want to do that. My kids are still young and I want to "Lead them in the way they should go" But I'm so lost and confused that I don't even know what way that is. I do see fruit in them. I see love. I see joy. And I know they are the next generation. I want to pour whatever I have into them.
I don't know how I got to where I am - "I don't know when I got bitter..." But I do know that I don't want to stay here. I do want to be who I once was but a smarter, more compassionate and wiser version. I don't want to make the same mistakes and I also don't want to do the same things just because that's all I know. I know life is messed up and relationships are so hard.
I just thought of 2 people swinging a jump rope and someone trying to find the right timing and position to jump back in. But I don't know if I want to jump rope anymore. Just hoping up and down and back and forth but going nowhere while the other people are in control of the pace and speed that I'm going.
I like the idea of hopscotch. Starting at 1 with everyone else and taking things step by step. At least you can make your own pace and be as adventurous as you're feeling each time. And know that you're aiming to move ahead even if you mess up and have to start over.
I don't know if that even makes sense to anyone else...but It makes sense in my head.
I've been feeling this way for a while now and a lyric from Tonic's 'You Wanted More' has been randomly popping in my head for a while now. Today it came to mind and those lyrics are the title of this post "I don't know when I got bitter" I can account for the things that have made me bitter over time and the triggers of what make me want to roll my eyes, or sigh really deeply from overwhelming negative feelings and unfortunately the topic has to do with Christianity. For as long as I can remember I went to church - many different churches with different denominations. I was never insecure in my faith or embarrassed by it. I grew up loving God and wanting to do what was right and share my faith with whoever was open to it.
This is not a post how I'm denying what I once knew and loved. It's not even a post venting on the things that have happened to bring me to this place...I don't know.
I just keep thinking to myself "How did I get here?" How did something I once love be a source of great pain and frustration. I know the church is broken just like anything else on Earth. There is nothing perfect here.
I guess I need to go on a little venting spree right now because I have only talked in depth to Tim about these things and since we've both been hurt and are in the same place it hasn't gotten any better. I'm so bitter I don't even want to talk to God about it. (Even though He obviously knows haha) It's not God's fault that this crap happens but because it's all mixed in with the source of pain sometimes I really don't want anything to do with talking to Him. Things get better for a little while and then I'm right back in the same place I was in.
Church in general is a huge turn off for me. Sitting in a building listening to the same things over and over that I have heard since I was little in different ways bores me. There are some messages I hear that have life and make me think but unfortunately because I'm turned off - I just want to lump it all into one negative thing. I don't need to hear that I have to try harder and be better - I don't even want to hear about God's grace for when I'm like this and completely negative. I just want to really really understand the depth of God's love for me because I truly believe that will be the only thing to heal me and soften my heart so I can embrace the things I once loved. But because I'm so hardhearted I don't even know how to let my walls down to even God. I know in my head that He's the One that will never hurt me, but my heart is way too raw.
Another thing that has been weird for me is worshiping through music. Something that once had great life and joy for me is bringing more yawns and frustration with myself. I don't know how I can look around and see other people who I really think are worshiping and I'm not feeling it at all. It all sounds the same to me. Even the 'new' songs get old fast. & because worshiping is about the heart - and like I said before mine is hard and raw - there's no exchange of worship that I once knew.
When I hear of conferences and mission trips and workshops all I see is $$$$ and think of how the people running them get to spend all their life just "serving God" and traveling and getting paid to do it (even if it's not a lot) I don't know why but it really bothers me. Not everyone can do that. The majority of people I know have to balance working 9-5 jobs.
I know there's more to it than just that but it's still one of the things I'm bitter about.
I feel the pull of a small church to give money and time and energy. And yea I know God gives grace and stuff but I feel like I have nothing in me to give. And then if I don't then I hear in my head "God gave everything for you - you can't just give up one night, 10%, an extra few hours of sleep to something bigger than yourself??" And when I hear that my next thought is "No, not for something that I think is pointless"
I don't want to be bitter - I don't know how to undo this. And even if I undo and heal how do I know that I won't feel the same as I'm feeling right now. We gave our money and time and energy until we were spread super thin. And for what? Was there a point of it? Were we just doing it because it was "the good Christian thing to do"? Will there be fruit from the tithe we offered, the worship we led, the youth we spent time with? Why are we so broken now when we freaken sacrificed a lot. I know we didn't die on the cross or anything but come on. We were (and are) so young. We poured more than half our life into something and saw the generation before us do the same with a horrible effect on the families that were neglected so they could attend every prayer meeting and worship night while the kids stayed home. I don't want to do that. My kids are still young and I want to "Lead them in the way they should go" But I'm so lost and confused that I don't even know what way that is. I do see fruit in them. I see love. I see joy. And I know they are the next generation. I want to pour whatever I have into them.
I don't know how I got to where I am - "I don't know when I got bitter..." But I do know that I don't want to stay here. I do want to be who I once was but a smarter, more compassionate and wiser version. I don't want to make the same mistakes and I also don't want to do the same things just because that's all I know. I know life is messed up and relationships are so hard.
I just thought of 2 people swinging a jump rope and someone trying to find the right timing and position to jump back in. But I don't know if I want to jump rope anymore. Just hoping up and down and back and forth but going nowhere while the other people are in control of the pace and speed that I'm going.
I like the idea of hopscotch. Starting at 1 with everyone else and taking things step by step. At least you can make your own pace and be as adventurous as you're feeling each time. And know that you're aiming to move ahead even if you mess up and have to start over.
I don't know if that even makes sense to anyone else...but It makes sense in my head.
Friday, July 6, 2012
15 Weeks
15 Weeks
Baby's size: Naval Orange - Getting Bigger!
Sleep: I feel like I always need more. Thank Goodness it's Summertime because the boys have been sleeping later which lets me sleep later.
Mama's Growth: I don't feel like measuring and weighing myself - did I do this last week? I can't button most of my pants now so that says something. Thank you Summertime for letting me live in my bathing suit during the week. I'm guessing another 2 pounds and an inch or so?
Food cravings: I made regular coleslaw (my craving of last week) and I didn't even love it. My favorite thing I ate this week was watermelon! Tis the season. I just bought 3 big ones a couple of days ago and I have one left...we did bring one to a BBQ. Hmmm I think I'm going to grab a piece right now.
Food aversions: Depends on the day but when I cooked my family burgers one night I couldn't even think about eating it and I ended up with sliced pickles on pita bread.
Symptoms I have: More Headaches, more breakouts, ingestion. I guess every week will have something but I thought I was supposed to be feeling really good right now?
Doctor’s Appointment:
Sono July 18th
Dr Foehr July 19th
Movement: a few times I thought I did and stayed still and nothing happened so I haven't counted it until I really know for sure what I feel is the baby.
Belly Button: Innie.
Gender: Still unknown.
Still Guessing Boy
Names: Noelan or Lily
What I’m looking forward to: Family Reunion, Sarah coming, my ultrasound
What I miss: Feeling normal
Baby's size: Naval Orange - Getting Bigger!
Sleep: I feel like I always need more. Thank Goodness it's Summertime because the boys have been sleeping later which lets me sleep later.
Mama's Growth: I don't feel like measuring and weighing myself - did I do this last week? I can't button most of my pants now so that says something. Thank you Summertime for letting me live in my bathing suit during the week. I'm guessing another 2 pounds and an inch or so?
Food cravings: I made regular coleslaw (my craving of last week) and I didn't even love it. My favorite thing I ate this week was watermelon! Tis the season. I just bought 3 big ones a couple of days ago and I have one left...we did bring one to a BBQ. Hmmm I think I'm going to grab a piece right now.
Food aversions: Depends on the day but when I cooked my family burgers one night I couldn't even think about eating it and I ended up with sliced pickles on pita bread.
Symptoms I have: More Headaches, more breakouts, ingestion. I guess every week will have something but I thought I was supposed to be feeling really good right now?
Doctor’s Appointment:
Sono July 18th
Dr Foehr July 19th
Movement: a few times I thought I did and stayed still and nothing happened so I haven't counted it until I really know for sure what I feel is the baby.
Belly Button: Innie.
Gender: Still unknown.
Still Guessing Boy
Names: Noelan or Lily
What I’m looking forward to: Family Reunion, Sarah coming, my ultrasound
What I miss: Feeling normal
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