Fragile

The past week or so, I feel like I've been extra sensitive. I'm not enjoying it at all. I feel like my heart is outside of my chest and there's nothing I can do to protect it. Every little comment I'm examining to see what's behind it. Even things that aren't said and are in my head hurt my feelings. It's getting a bit ridiculous. It makes me want to withdraw from every friendship & relationship I'm a part of because I keep getting hurt even though the majority of the time it's not intentional on the other end. The only "good" thing I am taking from this is that I'm feeling deep again. I was never a fan of feeling deep and I think I tried to train myself not to...which in ways led to me not feeling at all...and that doesn't help me process things.

A few nights ago I was hanging out with Tim and he was busting my chops. He was just in that type of mood. He was having fun and the majority of the time I'm usually able to laugh with him and joke around back. But that night I told him to stop and that being sensitive and the way he was acting wasn't a good combination. The next day I called him at work and apologized for being sensitive & that I didn't know why I'm like this. He said it was okay and that he loved me.

So I'm still in the place where my heart feels like it weighs a billion pounds, has been crushed, stepped and spit on. And all I can say is "God Help Me!"

I'm extra fragile right now so be patient with me.

A [beau·ti·ful] Work in Progress

Ecclesiastes 3:11 (New Living Translation)

¹¹ Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.

There was a conversation on my post A Tangled Mess that was linked from here to Facebook about changing my blog name from 'A Work in Progress' to 'A Beautiful Work in Progress'.

Now a few years ago I would've been like "ehhh no, I don't think that fits me" But I think I've finally come to a place in knowing how much God loves me and how He looks at me. I know where I've been, what I've gone through, admitted my faults but see the value of learning from them. I am not done growing and learning. I will always be "a work in progress" And now that I am beginning to see myself through the eyes of the One who created me I can really say and believe that I am beautiful. I may not always feel like it inside and out but I know just because I don't always feel it, doesn't mean it's not who I am. I came across this and I think it's a good way to end this blog. Welcome to 'A [beautiful] Work in Progress'

[beau·ti·ful] – adjective

1.

having beauty; having qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting

the senses or mind

2.

excellent of its kind

3.

wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying.

oh! & here's a recap of the conversation that led to the new blog title:

Ginnie Grupinski you blog should be titled..."A Beautiful Work in Progress" but I know that you are not prideful and would never do that. so I renamed it for you. thanks for sharing your heart and struggles with the world.
March 3 at 2:36pm · Like · 1 person

Jewelia Marie Hey a beautiful work in progress would not be prideful, that's what Candice is lol
March 3 at 2:39pm · Like · 1 person

Candice Rose Fowler haha thanks guys :)
March 3 at 2:40pm · Like

Tom Zawacki another vote for "A Beautiful Work In Progress" - I think you're amazing!
March 3 at 2:42pm · Unlike · 2 people

Jewelia Marie K candice you need to change the title to that lol I wike it
March 3 at 2:44pm · Like · 1 person

Patricia Armstrong Komnick Yes relationships are messy but the one thing that I have to remember on this journey we call life is that we are not the only one who has had hurts and pain and traumatic events ,so i have to remember that the other people in my relationships also have things to work through and give them grace like so many people have given me at times in my life, I hope that makes sense...
March 3 at 2:58pm · Like

Patricia Armstrong Komnick Candice I agree your blog should be called "A Beautiful Work in Progress" you already are Beautiful!!
March 3 at 2:59pm · Like · 1 person

Ginnie Grupinski my meaning above was that Candice would think it was prideful but she is not at all. am I confusing my point even more?
March 3 at 3:02pm · Like

Ginnie Grupinski Patti, I love it that you are sharing your heart today! Happy Birthday tomorrow; you are already celebrating!
March 3 at 3:03pm · Unlike · 2 people

Jewelia Marie your good Gin we love you
March 3 at 3:04pm · Like

Candice Rose Fowler I got what you were saying Ginny and you know me well :)
However the new blog title is growing on me now

Patti - That's exactly what helps me forgive people - knowing that they've been through things just like I go through things.
We're all human. We're all BEAUTIFUL works in progress haha

And thank you everyone again :)
March 3 at 3:47pm · Like

Patricia Armstrong Komnick We love you Candice!!
March 3 at 3:48pm · Like · 1 person

Jewelia Marie I love the new blog title lol Go for it Candice, it is who you are 8-) Even in the mess you are beautiful and shine through..I see you all the time, even through my own mess lol
March 3 at 3:50pm · Like

Donna L. Fowler Candice, You are HIS MASTERPIECE in process. ♥
March 3 at 11:14pm · Like

Patterns in Dates and Times

As I was looking back at some of my old entries (which I do from time to time) I realized something so weird to me. I RE-posted a blog that I wrote in 2008 on June 10th 2009: It's Worth It - Looking Back and Ahead and then AGAIN a year later on June 11th, 2010: It's Worth It (repost)

In both blogs I felt bad for Tim because it was around or on his birthday and we had major problems to deal with (car and medical wise)

The blog was written and re-posted to remind myself that even with all the ups and downs of life "it's worth it". I totally could be reading into this too much but I'm just finding it strange (especially at one in the morning haha) It's making me think about June of this year and if I'm going to have to remind myself again of the blog I wrote back in 2008... haha Possibly on June 12th, 2011? haha

[...yes I'm tired]

I've had this fascination with numbers ever since I started noticing 11:11 on my clock ALL the time. There were times when I felt like I always caught the 11:11 in the morning and in the evening. I saw it on the calendar, my mail and on the gas pump... and then Sarah got married to Wade on 11/11!

Then it was 1:11 - which for me now is a reminder of my sister-in-law Laura and niece Leah because of Leah's FLOP #:

I kept seeing 111 all over the place and I didn't know why. When I went to Laura's babyshower they told her that that Eric's side of the family has done a FLOP (fun, loving, optimistic, people) # and every time someone became a part of their family through birth and marriage the would get the next number. They said Leah is 111. When I heard that I was like woah, I wonder if that's why I've been seeing 1:11 so much recently. So now everytime I see 1:11 or 111 anywhere I just pray for Leah, Laura and Eric because it reminds me of them.

I still see random patterns and I have no idea if they mean anything but nothing has clicked yet when I keep seeing 3:33, 4:44, 5:55, 12:34.

I know I look at the clock at other times but when I see these other times they really stand out to me.

So now should I pay attention to dates?

6-10-09

6-11-10

6-12-11??

Things that make me go "Hmmm...."

(and let's ignore the 6-6-6 going down hahahaha)

[...yes I'm REALLY tired]