Paul Wright

Wow! Two Blogs in One Day hahahaha

I just needed to express how much I'm loving Paul Wright right now. 

The words to some of his songs are so simple but just what I'm feeling and it's just right on...

Here's just one sample...

This is what I want my heart to look like (my mind too):

Sunrise to Sunset

Father in heaven, forgive me for sinning

I know I need a new beginning.

Father in heaven, forgive me for sinning
I know I need a new beginning my world is spinning.

From sunrise to sunset help me not forget
all that you've done for me.

From sunset to sunrise help me keep my eyes
upon Your glory.

Say ah yea (ah yea)
say alright (alright)
every sunset (sunset)
every sunrise (sunrise).

Oh I need ya, oh I need ya right now.
You came down from heaven above to
show me Your way, You way is to love
so help me love love and not judge or hold a grudge sayin...

If you want to hear more go to my myspace...   www.myspace.com/wwwcandicecom

This is why I still have myspace... Decorating it and Musicfying it

STOP IT!

I don't know what's going on with me. I like to write and I haven't had the desire to at all lately. 

My emotions are up and down a lot throughout the day. And for the most part I just want to keep to myself and not do anything. But then I get in modes of wanting to get everything done and I like to have someone to talk to. 

I definitely over think things waayyyy too much. I just had this conversation with Tim last week. I was telling him that I feel totally worthless - but then I feel bad because I know I'm not and I shouldn't be thinking that way. And then I feel bad that my thinking is not good and I get mad at myself for that. And it's that cycle of always doing the wrong thing. 

And the other cycle that ties in is 'trying' especially with God. Because I "know" that God loves me no matter where I am and what I'm doing and not doing. But I also know it's good to pray and read and connect in that way. So I know it's not a work thing but I make it into that. 

Why can't I just grasp that He loves me? Why? Because I'm not reading it and making the time for it...and the cycle begins again and again. 

It's just really frustrating. I know my potential. I'm so thankful for my family. Where I'm at (in some ways)  I'm thankful that I'm married young. I'm thankful that I'm with someone who loves me so much and works so hard to take care of us all. I'm thankful for each one of my sons. They really are a joy. I'm thankful for my house and that we actually own one...again at such a young age. I'm thankful that Tim is doing jobs that he loves. I'm thankful that we live close to our extended family. 

I want to snap out of this funk I'm in. Yea I know that there are problems that need to be dealt with and not swept under the rug. I was just applying to Target as a possible part-time job because it's close and because I've had prior experience there. And as I was filling the application out I was kind of sad. I feel like I don't have anything to offer in other job areas. Being a mom is a lot of work yes - but when you do want to go back to work, where can you go? A grocery store or retail pretty much. And then I was thinking about the other part time jobs that I've had and I was really productive and worked hard and efficiently. I was organized and I liked that. Why can I NOT do that at home!!! Tim was there when I was filling out part of the application and there was a question about my school/work area and it asked if it was clean, messy but I know where things are, or totally messy (my words) and I checked messy but I know where things are...usually. But TIm said, "That's at home, think about when you did work or go to school" And then I thought back. My locker was pretty organized. I wasn't one of those people that just threw everything in there and slammed it shut before things came flying out. (like my tupperware cabinet haha) Everything had it's place and granted I had my times where my backpack had way too much stuff and I would have to clean out my binders and all that stuff. But I'm no where near that now. And I don't know what's wrong with me. 

Why can I not just STOP AND GET IT TOGETHER??? I know I have it in me. I really do. (Kind of like being skinny) I know I wasn't always overweight and I know I can get back to being what I was or close to it. 

I just lost all my drive for anything and I just feel soooo  Blah and like zombieish in a way. 

And here is when the cycle starts...I have NOOOO reason to feel that way. Especially when I think about where I've been, and where I am. When I think about who God is and where He's been. 

I keep yelling at myself (internally) and it gets me nowhere. 

No where. 

My life is not bad - I have problems but I know people have worse ones then what overwhelmes me at times. So what am I doing and why can't I cut it out. 

It makes me think of this SNL skit where someone is going to go get therapy and the counselor listens to what she has to say and then just keeps shouting "STOP IT" "JUST STOP IT" and she's like don't you think it has to do with my past and blah blah blah and he's like "No, STOP IT" "STOP IT" "STOP IT" 

That's what I'm doing to myself...and I wish it really worked haha. 

Anyway - Happy Thanksgiving

Now is the perfect time to focus on what I'm thankful for and not what's wrong with me. 

I'm going to make the dessert that I'm bringing to the Peters household this afternoon. 

And Joshua is getting home very soon because he has a half day...so I'm going to finish moving stuff around in my living room to make room for the Christmas tree. 

Prayer Request

Whoever will really do it - please pray for me. 

I'm under a lot of stress and I can feel the anxiety starting to rise. 

I absolutely know that if I let that happen, nothing will get done and it will make matters worse. 

Worrying won't get me anywhere. Stressing out won't either. 

I need to do my part. Work and  be wise. 

And I know God will meet me where I'm at. 

I would just love to be covered please. 

Thanks a million. 

-Candice

Underneath the stress and frustration:

I like to have fun. I am adventurous. If I could, I would so jump out of a plane right this very second. I also have an organized side even though you would NEVER think that by the way my house is run.


I've been asked a few times "If money was no issue, and you had all the time in the world, what who you do"


My response is: I would get music lessons (voice, piano, guitar...) And then create music. Not for anyone else, just as an expression of who I am, where I am, and where I'm going. I also love to write/journal (hence this blog) I would also take tons of pictures of every day life (another thing I would love to learn more about) and somehow put everything together. Like animated picture albums.

But money is an issue and I really don't have all the time in the world.
Maybe I'll be able to pursue it some day but untill then I may jut have to hit my husband up for hand-me-down lessons that he's received so far. And I will continue to write out my journey because it really is cool to look back and see the progress you've made over the years. (If you're open to change of course) And I am.

For those who are reading this...
What would you be doing if money wasn't an issue and you had all the time and resources you needed?

Disappointed

Today is a day of disappointments.

I was supposed to go out with Mary and her boys to the Space and Aviation Museum because Joshua is off from school.
I was going to drive Tim to work, pay my mortgage, go to Target for batteries and then go to the museum.
Tim works really close so I was going to just pick him up right after the museum and go home together.
Right before I went to bed last night I started getting a bad headache and I had to take medicine to fall asleep.
I told Tim that if I was feeling anything like I was feeling then, I wouldn't be able to go out today.
Caleb woke up around 5am - coughing like crazy. Joshua's been coughing since last Sunday and it's been spreading ever since. Everyone seemed to be better and then literally overnight - everyone's coughing a lot again.

So that's how my day started. 

And because Joshua is home today - I knew there were going to be plenty of arguments to break up. 

And moms really don't get a break. I still have to cook, and change diapers and make sure Evan isn't getting into everything. My house is even more of a mess but what do I expect?

Tim called and asked if it would be ok if he worked overtime. And of course, even though I'm sick I said yes. We definitely could use the extra $$. So he won't be getting home until the boys are in bed probably. I'm disappointed about that but it's provision so that's a plus. 

And then I thought I had moved all my blogs from myspace to here because I saw them. But then I overlooked everything and nothing showed up. I even wrote a mini-blog on the beauty of copy and paste to go along with my final myspace blog saying I was going to blog on here. So I have to figure that out. 

Well I don't have to but I really would like to have everything in one place. 

See I have organization deep down inside of me. haha

Ok I hear Joshua yelling at Caleb again so I gotta go check it out. 

Maybe tomorrow I'll figure out how to get my myspace blogs on here. 

Myspace to Blogger

I like to blog so I'm trying to 'upgrade' to a real blogging site. 

I'm not exactly sure how I like it so far but new is good . 

I think I'm going to try and put the myspace blogs onto here so I can look back and see my journey. 

And you can share the journey with me. 

Here's to Blogging!

I made a checklist on what I want to get done today and I'm already behind because I'm making and writing this so I'm going to really really push myself today and then 'reward' myself by updating this blog. And we'll see where it takes me. 

Stay Tuned...