I'm liking this new homepage

Of course I'm up past midnight once again so I get a "sneak peak" at tomorrow which is really today's verse of the day. 

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”- John 16:33

Don't I know that there will be trouble in this world. Oh yes I do.  It seems like everything and everyone is unravelling right before my eyes. It's so easy to get caught up in the stress and chaos of it all. Deep down because I know that I have a refuge, I do know things will be ok. 

I just want to reallllllly grab hold of it all the time. And I don't want it to stay "deep down" I want it to overflow into my life. 

Peace is a great thing to ask for and to have. I need more of it. Definitely. 

I just think God is awesome. 

The End. 

Do not let your hearts be troubled...

“[Jesus Comforts His Disciples] "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”- John 14:1-3

I'm trying 

Well Looky Here

My new homepage is www.biblegateway.com because I'm trying to get my priorities straight. 

And anyways, I didn't read anything today and when I opened up the homepage...and actually read the "Verse of the Day" this is what it said:

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest

Matthew 11:28

I think that applies to every day...but after my last blog I think that reallllly applies to right this very second. 

Ok God, Here you go. 

Time for sleep. 

Oh What a Night...

I'm not getting into the details of what's going on but I really got to thinking about where I am now and being a teenager. I was doing some research and I came across something that really made me think. It put words to my feelings and what I've been trying to say all along in different situations...

 These are not the exact words, it was a whole article but to sum it up here's my take on it:

Adults don't handle things well a lot of the time so why are there such high expectations on teenagers to make good decisions. I kept saying that I know how I deal with my issues, I turn to food. It's more socially acceptable in ways. But I know underneath everything in everyone there are issues. Un-delt issues that need to be...well...delt with. I STILL don't know how to do it. But I'm hoping when I figure it all out I can help other people do the same. I definitely know you have to take one day at a time. It's good to plan and set goals but if it's too much it's extremely overwhelming. 

There are a lot of times when I feel depressed and I know I have no reason to. And I'm wondering if this is all for a reason. Is this part of my journey? Something I need to experience to have compassion on others? Because I feel like I'm getting there and I do a little more each day. Don't get me wrong, I still judge at times even though my heart doesn't want to. I just want everyone to 'follow the rules' even though I don't do it either. People will do what they want to do. 

There's soooo much going on around me and in me and I just want to help them...and especially myself. It's like that airplane rule. You take the oxygen for yourself before you give it to the child because you'll be useless if you try and give it to the child first and you pass out....or something like that. I know I need to focus on what's going on with me and deal with it. I know my issues and I know I need to face them head on, one-by-one. I need to be strong and I need discipline. I really do not like it but I know it's so good for you. 

You look at children, if they're not disciplined they're out of control and bratty. I know I'm doing an injustice to my kids when I let things go...and let them get away with stuff they shouldn't. It may be hard but I need to keep reminding myself that if I don't deal with it now then later on it's going to be that much harder. 

This all is still a bit overwhelming but it really gives me a little more compassion on teenagers...it wasn't that long ago that I was one hahaha. But there's something there that I feel called to...in a way. 

I'm on my way...

So before you look down on a young person for acting...like a teenager - 

think first how you dealt with things at their age...and then think how you deal with things now.

I'm in no way saying it's ok to let people get away with things and letting it go. Like I said discipline is good and healthy. I'm just saying let's try not to judge. It's too easy to point the finger at someone else.  

I guess I have to do this again

I totally let myself go. I stopped working out, started eating whatever and whenever and however much I wanted. I hate this feeling. I'm very close to where I started in the way beginning and that's pretty depressing...no it's very depressing. But I know I need to just stop and begin to incorporate how I lost the weight before. I'm re-reading my old blogs and I know what to do. But I want to do the complete opposite in both extremes. I want to do starvation mode...which I KNOW does not work/last. (and I could never last haha) and then I just want to give up and do some more self destruction. 

Oooo-k...Time to be accountable again : ( 

Dang...

Stomach - 40 1/2''

Legs - 24''

Arms - 11 1/2''

Weight - 155 lbs

Ok let me "Think on good things"

I'm five pounds less then when I began in June

I'm 1 1/2'' smaller in my stomach area...

So I'm not COMPLETELY starting over, but it's so very close. 

And I know where it came in. 

Because we're starting to try and save money on groceries, I've been trying to bake (with white flour) use rice, pasta and potatoes because it's cheap and everyone feels full. And allll of those are no good.  Then I've been using food as a comfort again so on top of what's in the house...I'm just adding junk and more calories. 

I was putting groceries on the credit card and I can't do that anymore. So I'm going to have to really really work out harder to make up for the food that's in the house. 

I still have veggies and sometimes fruit in the house. But they're gone soooo fast. 

I know we won't be in this place forever. I just have to make due with where we are and what we got. 

Time for lunch...and I'm not sure what I'll have yet. 

I'm seeing a pattern

I laughed at myself because today I read an e-mail I wrote to someone and it was exactly how and what I'm feeling at this very point in time...and it was exactly a month ago...

hahaha

Anyways, 

I've been crying a lot lately. Lately as in the past few months. I used to say I'm not much of a crier but if it's going to continue the way it's been then I won't be able to say that at all. I'm actually happy that I'm crying hahaha. I used to try and make myself cry when I was upset or angry and I never could. I guess I'm getting softer. That's a good sign. Hopefully it won't get completely out of hand. 

I was a mess a little while ago but I'm feeling better and I thought it was time for a nice blog vent-free. I know I'll be ok over time. It's part of the process right?

Last night while I was at the gym (yea I FINALLY went back there!! yay! oh how I missed it)

I read Job 5. 

I'll show you my process of reading it haha - you know you can stop reading at any point right?

This is more for me then the reader but I know it can be fun at times to read about other people.

Ok first thing that stuck out was 

Job 5:2 ~ Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple

So it got me thinking about myself and I don't want to be a fool and I definitely don't want to be "dead" haha. It didn't take long to think of all the things I was resentful and envious about. I was well aware before I read this. But I went through my list of people and situations and I let it go.  There's no point in holding on to it. It won't help me grow. It won't get me to where I want to be. I want to move forward not stand still. 

Moving on.

Bear with my copy and paste job. I know it's long but I'm going to break it down. 

To make it easier I am going to color code my thoughts and comments : )

15 He saves the needy from the sword in their mouth;
he saves them from the clutches of the powerful.

I had just come from the FPU class (Financial Peace University)

and we watched a video about 'how to get debt-free' and this line got me thinking about how powerful those companies are and how they make people poor in a sense. 

(Remember...this is just my thought process as I'm reading - don't take it as interpretation or whatever) 

16 So the poor have hope,  I love hope, I want hope, I need hope!
and injustice shuts its mouth.  yea - SHUT IT haha

17 "Blessed are those whom God corrects;
so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.

I know correction is good. Especially being a parent now, I know how important it is even though I'm not as good as I should be in that area. I know when you're corrected it's usually out of love. And when it's with God, it's ALWAYS out of love. So I want to be corrected as painful, embarrassing, and difficult as it is most of the time. (I can feel myself cringing as I type that)  

Correction helps you grow - again what I want to do!

And this next part I just read over and over because it was just full of hope and how awesome God is...

18 For he wounds, but he also binds up;
he injures, but his hands also heal. 

I know when I'm in pain sometimes I'm in those situations to get closer to God. 

And nothing can ever fix me up like He can. He's not a mean God. We got through tough times to make us stronger, wiser, more compassionate people - if we choose to look at it that way and move forward and not store up anger and bitterness (which I'm really good at btw)

19 From six calamities he will rescue you;
in seven no harm will touch you.

20 In famine he will deliver you from death,
and in battle from the stroke of the sword.

21 You will be protected from the lash of the tongue,

I wish I remembered this today when someone threatened to take me to small claims court over $45.00 or something like that...that's a whole other story. I was really upset and angry...I think I still am... bah
and need not fear when destruction comes.

This all started making me think about what's going on all around the world and knowing that God can protect us from all those hard situations that's bound to happen....

22 You will laugh at destruction and famine,  ok this was a hard one to take in...I can't ever see myself laughing but I know this is in the Old Testament and when evil and evil people were destroyed and not saved through Jesus. 
and need not fear the wild animals.

23 For you will have a covenant with the stones of the field,
and the wild animals will be at peace with you.

24 You will know that your tent is secure; my home is safe
you will take stock of your property and find nothing missing. no theft

25 You will know that your children will be many, I'm well on my way with that one. haha
and your descendants like the grass of the earth.  that's a lot!

26 You will come to the grave in full vigor, 
like sheaves gathered in season.

27 "We have examined this, and it is true.
So hear it and apply it to yourself."

I really laughed when it said 'apply it to yourself' because I was doing that the whole time I was reading it. There were other parts I didn't write here but if you want to read the whole thing you can do that yourself. I know I'm going to have to read this over and over to really get it all. That's why I like reading different versions. It's fun. 

Job 5 - NIV 

Job 5 - Amplified 

And then last night I was thinking of that song "It's your kindness Lord, that leads us to repentance..." and I was like where is that in the bible. I tried looking it up briefly but couldn't find it. So then I was like "Is it even biblical or is it just a song" And when I woke up I was still thinking of it. so I tried again unsuccessfully so then I called Mama Donna. And she looked it up for me in her handy concordance. I didn't try the internet but next time I'm sure that would've worked.  So I'll end with these two versions:

Romans 2:4 (New Living Translation)
4 Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?

Romans 2:4 (New International Version)
4Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?

I need your kindness and tolerance and patience God. 

Ok The End I'm tired. 

Mr. Poo-Poo Maaaan - He poops in his paaaants

The title is referring to a song that my brother made up about Joshua back in the day when he too pooped in his pants. This song is a good background song for the following entry. 

Too bad you guys don't know it and can't hear it in your head like I am right now. 

Today was another day that Caleb decided to poop in his pants again. It's getting tiring. He was doing totally fine...and I don't know what happened. But anyway, he did his thing and I brought him into the bathroom and I took a picture. I don't even know why. I was way past the anger stage. Now it's just routine when I should be done with this phase. He was like "don't show anyone that - everybody will laugh at me". This means he's full aware of what he's doing. He knows it's wrong. & He knows it's 'frustrating' me...he used that word haha. He told me that daddy doesn't get frustrated when he poops in his pants - (but daddy is not the one who has to clean him up allll the time) 

So I have this picture. It's not a great picture to look at and again I'm not exactly why I took it. Maybe to show that I actually have a 'job'. ha

But who am I showing? Nobody... especially at Caleb's request. 

I think I should delete it...

...or maybe I can be one of those moms who keep it to embarrass their children when they're dating someone...

hmmm - am I that mean? Uhh I think I am. 

To the scrapbook it goes!

Paul Wright

Wow! Two Blogs in One Day hahahaha

I just needed to express how much I'm loving Paul Wright right now. 

The words to some of his songs are so simple but just what I'm feeling and it's just right on...

Here's just one sample...

This is what I want my heart to look like (my mind too):

Sunrise to Sunset

Father in heaven, forgive me for sinning

I know I need a new beginning.

Father in heaven, forgive me for sinning
I know I need a new beginning my world is spinning.

From sunrise to sunset help me not forget
all that you've done for me.

From sunset to sunrise help me keep my eyes
upon Your glory.

Say ah yea (ah yea)
say alright (alright)
every sunset (sunset)
every sunrise (sunrise).

Oh I need ya, oh I need ya right now.
You came down from heaven above to
show me Your way, You way is to love
so help me love love and not judge or hold a grudge sayin...

If you want to hear more go to my myspace...   www.myspace.com/wwwcandicecom

This is why I still have myspace... Decorating it and Musicfying it

STOP IT!

I don't know what's going on with me. I like to write and I haven't had the desire to at all lately. 

My emotions are up and down a lot throughout the day. And for the most part I just want to keep to myself and not do anything. But then I get in modes of wanting to get everything done and I like to have someone to talk to. 

I definitely over think things waayyyy too much. I just had this conversation with Tim last week. I was telling him that I feel totally worthless - but then I feel bad because I know I'm not and I shouldn't be thinking that way. And then I feel bad that my thinking is not good and I get mad at myself for that. And it's that cycle of always doing the wrong thing. 

And the other cycle that ties in is 'trying' especially with God. Because I "know" that God loves me no matter where I am and what I'm doing and not doing. But I also know it's good to pray and read and connect in that way. So I know it's not a work thing but I make it into that. 

Why can't I just grasp that He loves me? Why? Because I'm not reading it and making the time for it...and the cycle begins again and again. 

It's just really frustrating. I know my potential. I'm so thankful for my family. Where I'm at (in some ways)  I'm thankful that I'm married young. I'm thankful that I'm with someone who loves me so much and works so hard to take care of us all. I'm thankful for each one of my sons. They really are a joy. I'm thankful for my house and that we actually own one...again at such a young age. I'm thankful that Tim is doing jobs that he loves. I'm thankful that we live close to our extended family. 

I want to snap out of this funk I'm in. Yea I know that there are problems that need to be dealt with and not swept under the rug. I was just applying to Target as a possible part-time job because it's close and because I've had prior experience there. And as I was filling the application out I was kind of sad. I feel like I don't have anything to offer in other job areas. Being a mom is a lot of work yes - but when you do want to go back to work, where can you go? A grocery store or retail pretty much. And then I was thinking about the other part time jobs that I've had and I was really productive and worked hard and efficiently. I was organized and I liked that. Why can I NOT do that at home!!! Tim was there when I was filling out part of the application and there was a question about my school/work area and it asked if it was clean, messy but I know where things are, or totally messy (my words) and I checked messy but I know where things are...usually. But TIm said, "That's at home, think about when you did work or go to school" And then I thought back. My locker was pretty organized. I wasn't one of those people that just threw everything in there and slammed it shut before things came flying out. (like my tupperware cabinet haha) Everything had it's place and granted I had my times where my backpack had way too much stuff and I would have to clean out my binders and all that stuff. But I'm no where near that now. And I don't know what's wrong with me. 

Why can I not just STOP AND GET IT TOGETHER??? I know I have it in me. I really do. (Kind of like being skinny) I know I wasn't always overweight and I know I can get back to being what I was or close to it. 

I just lost all my drive for anything and I just feel soooo  Blah and like zombieish in a way. 

And here is when the cycle starts...I have NOOOO reason to feel that way. Especially when I think about where I've been, and where I am. When I think about who God is and where He's been. 

I keep yelling at myself (internally) and it gets me nowhere. 

No where. 

My life is not bad - I have problems but I know people have worse ones then what overwhelmes me at times. So what am I doing and why can't I cut it out. 

It makes me think of this SNL skit where someone is going to go get therapy and the counselor listens to what she has to say and then just keeps shouting "STOP IT" "JUST STOP IT" and she's like don't you think it has to do with my past and blah blah blah and he's like "No, STOP IT" "STOP IT" "STOP IT" 

That's what I'm doing to myself...and I wish it really worked haha. 

Anyway - Happy Thanksgiving

Now is the perfect time to focus on what I'm thankful for and not what's wrong with me. 

I'm going to make the dessert that I'm bringing to the Peters household this afternoon. 

And Joshua is getting home very soon because he has a half day...so I'm going to finish moving stuff around in my living room to make room for the Christmas tree. 

Prayer Request

Whoever will really do it - please pray for me. 

I'm under a lot of stress and I can feel the anxiety starting to rise. 

I absolutely know that if I let that happen, nothing will get done and it will make matters worse. 

Worrying won't get me anywhere. Stressing out won't either. 

I need to do my part. Work and  be wise. 

And I know God will meet me where I'm at. 

I would just love to be covered please. 

Thanks a million. 

-Candice

Underneath the stress and frustration:

I like to have fun. I am adventurous. If I could, I would so jump out of a plane right this very second. I also have an organized side even though you would NEVER think that by the way my house is run.


I've been asked a few times "If money was no issue, and you had all the time in the world, what who you do"


My response is: I would get music lessons (voice, piano, guitar...) And then create music. Not for anyone else, just as an expression of who I am, where I am, and where I'm going. I also love to write/journal (hence this blog) I would also take tons of pictures of every day life (another thing I would love to learn more about) and somehow put everything together. Like animated picture albums.

But money is an issue and I really don't have all the time in the world.
Maybe I'll be able to pursue it some day but untill then I may jut have to hit my husband up for hand-me-down lessons that he's received so far. And I will continue to write out my journey because it really is cool to look back and see the progress you've made over the years. (If you're open to change of course) And I am.

For those who are reading this...
What would you be doing if money wasn't an issue and you had all the time and resources you needed?

Disappointed

Today is a day of disappointments.

I was supposed to go out with Mary and her boys to the Space and Aviation Museum because Joshua is off from school.
I was going to drive Tim to work, pay my mortgage, go to Target for batteries and then go to the museum.
Tim works really close so I was going to just pick him up right after the museum and go home together.
Right before I went to bed last night I started getting a bad headache and I had to take medicine to fall asleep.
I told Tim that if I was feeling anything like I was feeling then, I wouldn't be able to go out today.
Caleb woke up around 5am - coughing like crazy. Joshua's been coughing since last Sunday and it's been spreading ever since. Everyone seemed to be better and then literally overnight - everyone's coughing a lot again.

So that's how my day started. 

And because Joshua is home today - I knew there were going to be plenty of arguments to break up. 

And moms really don't get a break. I still have to cook, and change diapers and make sure Evan isn't getting into everything. My house is even more of a mess but what do I expect?

Tim called and asked if it would be ok if he worked overtime. And of course, even though I'm sick I said yes. We definitely could use the extra $$. So he won't be getting home until the boys are in bed probably. I'm disappointed about that but it's provision so that's a plus. 

And then I thought I had moved all my blogs from myspace to here because I saw them. But then I overlooked everything and nothing showed up. I even wrote a mini-blog on the beauty of copy and paste to go along with my final myspace blog saying I was going to blog on here. So I have to figure that out. 

Well I don't have to but I really would like to have everything in one place. 

See I have organization deep down inside of me. haha

Ok I hear Joshua yelling at Caleb again so I gotta go check it out. 

Maybe tomorrow I'll figure out how to get my myspace blogs on here. 

Myspace to Blogger

I like to blog so I'm trying to 'upgrade' to a real blogging site. 

I'm not exactly sure how I like it so far but new is good . 

I think I'm going to try and put the myspace blogs onto here so I can look back and see my journey. 

And you can share the journey with me. 

Here's to Blogging!

I made a checklist on what I want to get done today and I'm already behind because I'm making and writing this so I'm going to really really push myself today and then 'reward' myself by updating this blog. And we'll see where it takes me. 

Stay Tuned...