Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Repost: United Pursuit Band's Morning Thoughts



If we strive for holiness, we will find holiness impossible.
If we respond to Christ’s invitation to come and receive life, holiness happens.
If we reach for unity, we fill find more division.
If we pursue Christ with total abandonment, unity will follow.
If we attempt to build His Kingdom, we build ours instead.
If we ask for eyes and ears to see how the Holy Spirit is moving,
we will find ourselves on a journey building with our Father in heaven.

Everything we’re looking for is found in Jesus. He is the point.
He is not a means to holiness or unity. He is holiness and unity.
He is the life we are looking for. This is the Christ formation journey.
Gazing and finding ourselves changed.
Pursuing and finding ourselves in unity will others.
This is our united pursuit. Let’s run to Him. - nate



Thursday, May 13, 2010

Proverbs 31 Wife?

I've been reminded of this a few times this week and even though I'm sure it's to encourage me to keep moving forward - it's been doing the opposite right now. I'm having a overwhelming and "hopeless" day. I know it is not hopeless and there's lots to be thankful about and things I am doing right. My head is spinning and tired and I just want to find a quiet corner and just cry and yell it all out. But instead, I'm getting harder and building up a wall because I'm not doing anything with it. The fingers are pointing and I'm started to agree with what's being said.

I totally failed at being a wife, a mother and just a person today. I don't like this. At times I feel like a zombie. I'm alive but really dead. I could just sit in one place and just do nothing. It's paralyzing and I hate it. I don't want it to take a hold of me again. I'm tired of the up and down of emotions. I wish I could literally shake it off.

Tim's been so good to me. So loving and caring, so gentle and patient. I couldn't ask for a better husband. All I keep feeling is "Why?" "Why does he love me?" "I don't deserve it"

and I know the same goes for God... He loves me and I don't understand it. I don't know how to really take it in.

It seems so simple - but it's so hard. Just take it in. - What was I singing yesterday? "I was made for, I was made for love" and it's true. I don't understand how one day I can feel it and accept it and the next day I totally go the other way.

It makes me feel crazy.

I will never be perfect - I will never be a "Stepford Wife" - I may never even be a Proverbs 31 wife. But hopefully instead of trying to strive to be those things - I will stop trying and start receiving the love that will heal me from the inside out.

And let me hold onto: Verse 30 - Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised!

Proverbs 31:10-31

10A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman--who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls.D)

11The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently and relies on and believes in her securely, so that he has no lack of [honest] gain or need of [dishonest] spoil.

12She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her.

13She seeks out wool and flax and works with willing hands [to develop it].

14She is like the merchant ships loaded with foodstuffs; she brings her household's food from a far [country].

15She rises while it is yet night and gets [spiritual] food for her household and assigns her maids their tasks.

16She considers a [new] field before she buys or accepts it [expanding prudently and not courting neglect of her present duties by assuming other duties]; with her savings [of time and strength] she plants fruitful vines in her vineyard. [S. of Sol. 8:12.]

17She girds herself with strength [spiritual, mental, and physical fitness for her God-given task] and makes her arms strong and firm.

18She tastes and sees that her gain from work [with and for God] is good; her lamp goes not out, but it burns on continually through the night [of trouble, privation, or sorrow, warning away fear, doubt, and distrust].

19She lays her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

20She opens her hand to the poor, yes, she reaches out her filled hands to the needy [whether in body, mind, or spirit].

21She fears not the snow for her family, for all her household are doubly clothed in scarlet.

22She makes for herself coverlets, cushions, and rugs of tapestry. Her clothing is of linen, pure and fine, and of purple [such as that of which the clothing of the priests and the hallowed cloths of the temple were made].

23Her husband is known in the [city's] gates, when he sits among the elders of the land.

24She makes fine linen garments and leads others to buy them; she delivers to the merchants girdles [or sashes that free one up for service].

25Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure; she rejoices over the future [the latter day or time to come, knowing that she and her family are in readiness for it]!

26She opens her mouth in skillful and godly Wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness [giving counsel and instruction].

27She looks well to how things go in her household, and the bread of idleness (gossip, discontent, and self-pity) she will not eat.I)"

28Her children rise up and call her blessed (happy, fortunate, and to be envied); and her husband boasts of and praises her, [saying],

29Many daughters have done virtuously, nobly, and well [with the strength of character that is steadfast in goodness], but you excel them all.

30Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting], but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord, she shall be praised!

31Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates [of the city]!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

The elephant in the room



Today I've wasted my day away, avoiding all my 'duties' (besides feeding & getting the boys to school.) I have a few dishes to wash, a floor to sweep, a pile of clothes to fold and put away.
Besides running away from those things which would take me no time to just do it, I'm avoiding facing the emotion, pain, hurt, anger, shame etc. that's just running laps inside of my heart.
I'm aware of it all, I'm choosing to run away. Of course it's easier to 'not deal' right this very second, but I know I'm going to have to face it at some point. If I don't it's going to turn into a big mess and will affect everyone around me.

God, Help Me.
Again, and again and again.
My heart is raw, and broken.
It's still beating but it's wounded.



Take away the anger, shame, sadness, heaviness, anxiety that has grabbed a hold of me. Take it all. I don't want to carry it, and I know You don't want me to carry it. Speak life into me to replace the chatter of death. Break it off.
You love me despite what's in my heart. Heal me and clean me.
Thank You for loving me when it's hard to love myself.
Help me see myself through Your eyes. No more lies.
I'm letting go.

"Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go,
promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You,
I’m begging You to be my escape"

-Relient K


I want to be pursued, chased and captured by You



Lately I feel like God is wooing me. I've always heard "read the bible, pray, have quiet time and you'll get closer to God" And although I know all these things are true, I've been feeling so tired. Tired from daily life and tired of pursuing people. I've been asking God to start pursuing me (I don't know if that's selfish of me, cause He gave His life and all haha) & I feel like I'm just noticing that He has been. This week I was reminded of a wedding video I saw on youtube months ago. The whole wedding is beautiful and an illustration of the joy and pure intamacy of a relationship. There's a song in the background while they're washing eachother's feet and it's just beautiful.

The beginning is:
"Oh let me tell you, let me tell you I am lovesick

No other love is destined for my heart

So come on! Ravish my heart oh God,

Ravish my heart oh God... (I need you to)"


Another part that resonates so deeply is:
"I want to be pursued, chased and captured by You" ♥

Here's the myspace where you can listen to the whole song
(Captured By You/Lovesick Live & Captured By You")

http://www.myspace.com/rebekahfancher


And here's the wedding video:

Filling in the missing pages


I have about 7 blog posts that I've saved to finish later (works in progress ha) - some are from January, and I haven't touched them since I wrote out the title back then. I would like to make more time to keep this updated because it's a source of unloading everything that's in my heart and mind. It's a physical way to lay the burdens down and express my passion and joy. A lot of days I feel too tired to do anything, I feel overwhelmed with everything in front of me.

Hopefully this is the start to getting back to writing.
I miss it.
Now let me go back and try to finish the posts I've already started writing...